Happy New Year's Eve!!!

I was supposed to be celebrating the new year with a little someone inside, but that didn't happen. I have been surprisingly very good in handling the bad news. I haven't cried once. During the 2ww I was imagining what I would do if I get good news and if I get bad news, so I was supposed to throw my phone out of the window, cry hysterically for hours and lock myself in my bedroom for days not talking to anyone. But I guess, the meltdown the night before beta, the whole experience trying to get through and get results, really left me with no emotions by the time I did a HPT yesterday morning (OMG it already seems like so far away). I was in the office by myself last night, and I allowed myself to cry, but there were no tears in my eyes. I've been more hysterical after each failed IUI, so this completely non emotional self is really foreign to me. I am ready to start the new cycle as soon as we can, and I am looking forward to it.

The plan for today is simple, we are going to my uncle's house to meet the new years with my hometown in Europe (at 5 p.m.), then we are hurrying back to our house where all my nephews, niece and our friends kids are coming to play with Santa and his granddaughter and get their presents (we've done it last year and the kids just loved it), then at around 9 p.m. the grown up dinner will start, again at our house, so DH is cooking up a storm (everyone else is cooking as well). Last year we were full from all the appetizers before even getting to main course! We always have leftovers and everybody return on the first to finish those up :) then around 2 a.m. we are going to a party that my BIL is hosting at one of the restaurants nearby - just for music and dancing, and once we come home, DH and I usually curl up on the couch watching some New Years programming from Russia (yes, we both speak Russian, although were born in different countries), and go to bed around 5 or 6 a.m. (and if we are able to follow this, it will be a good New Years celebration).

There is another thing that I wanted to borrow from another person's blog :) and I have to do it here on the 31st, so sorry if this post is getting too big. So, she lists her top 10 things for 2010 and top 10 wishes for 2011. As most people on the infertility blogs, my life also involves around babies, and TTC, and IVF etc. You get the picture, so it is hard, but let me see how I do:

Top 10 things for 2010 (in no particular order)

1. DH and I went to Thailand for 2.5 weeks (we've been planning it for almost 6 months) in September;

2. We came to realization that we are emotionally ready for IVF right after the trip;

3. I got a good pay raise in February;

4. I grew even closer to my sister, as after she finished her maternity leave in May, we are taking a train together to work every morning;

5. I did learn most of the Hebrew letters and can read Hebrew (when the words have vowels);

6. I joined spark people, lost 4 kg in the summer (gained some of it back, but that's not the point);

7. I joined IVF.CA and found a lot of good e-friends;

8. I was introduced to blogging, found more good e-friends, and now am addicted to bloggin! Yei!!!

9. I celebrated my 30th birthday in a nice classy restaurant with lots of music and dancing!!!

10. DH and I celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary at the top of CN Tower!!!

Yep, that was hard!!! Now lets think forward to 2011:

Top 10 wishes for 2011 (again, in no particular order)

1. To get pregnant and give birth to a baby (or babies);

2. To lose weight (5-10 kg before the next IVF attempt);

3. Take classes to learn Hebrew;

4. Find a new job and/or work less hours;

5. learn how to cook;

6. attend 2 weddings (one in Barbados and the other one also in the Caribbean);

7. celebrate my sister's 30th in Las Vegas;

8. celebrate DH and I 10th anniversary of our fist blind date, and 5th anniversary of our wedding;

9. finish the basement in the house (that's more DH then me, but I am running out of ideas);

10. organize all paperwork at home.

So, I'll have to get back to this blog in a year's time and see how far I've gotten.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY!!!!! LOVE YOU ALL!!!! THANKS FOR YOUR SUPPORT!!!!

And its official....

I called the emergency number at the clinic first a receptionist was kind enough (after I told her my dilemma) to page a doctor on call, and then a doctor called back almost right away. I explained to her that I did the test as was required and that my doctor has not received the results, and that I cannot get a straight answer from anybody at Mt. Sinai lab, and that I only have enough progesterone for tonight, that the test in the morning was negative, but that I don't want to base my decision on that. She took pity on me, and even though she didn't have access to my file, she called the lab and after confirming my information with me, she told me that the results came back negative - with beta being less than 1. She said she was very sorry, but I held up pretty good. I already knew the results, so it wasn't such a blow. She asked if we had any frosties, and after I told her - unfortunately no, I think she felt even worse.

But, I've decided that for now, I'll try to maintain my blog, as we haven't moved far enough from where we started. I might not do it every day, as I've been doing it, but it is therapeutic for me too. So for now, to all my followers (and those who are lurking) I'll be honoured if you continue my journey with me.

And... our journey continues.....

Well, last night we decided that I'll POAS, and the entire night I was dreaming about POASing so when I actually woke up in the morning it took a minute for me to realize that I haven't done it. So I had 2 tests that were a bit expired, and I did those, I called the DH in and we both looked half a sleep at the lonely bright line, yep, you guessed it - it was a negative. Then, just to be on a safe side, I took out the only good test that I had, and surprise surprise - it was negative too. I checked and the sensitivity for the two first tests was 20, which is pretty sensitive. I've surprised myself that I have been taking it pretty good, haven't cried once - not even watering eyes. I asked DH how he felt, and he said that he is a bit upset but he is sleepy more, so he went back to bed and I went to the office.

So, not really anxious to get the results from the clinic anymore. I did put 2 more progesterone pills this morning. The brown spotting continues and I have a feeling it is related to the progesterone pills, as it comes with a vengeance an hour or two after I put the pills in and then subsides. Oh, well... I hope I can get the official BFN results later today, and start planning my life for next year and our IF journey, which unfortunately has to continue. I was so sure before starting IVF that for sure we will end up with a baby after the whole process, or at least with a few frozen embryos. I guess I was wrong - nothing in life is for sure, all the glitches that we had during the process and my tiny embie couldn't hold on tight enough. There is a little poem that I read on one of the blogs which I really liked: "An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth. Then whispered as she closed the book, "too beautiful for earth." -Unknown That's what I believe, my little embie that was supposed to be born on September 6, 2011, was too beautiful and too perfect and stayed with the angels...

Oh well..... life goes on.....

We are SOL for today!!!

So, passed by the clinic one more time before they closed for the night - of course we are SOL - no results. I am seriously considering just POAS tomorrow, can it hurt? - not really! And by the way, wanted to see Tangled in 3D - my friend saw it and loved it - this movie has been playing for over a month now! Showed up at the movie theatre 15 min before the movie, and you guessed it - SOL - there were barely any seats at the bottom part of the movie theater (not that I'll ever seat there again - yep, my experience sitting in the first row watching There is something about Mary is engraved in my mind forever). So, we decided to just vegetate in front of the TV.

Thanks everyone for your support, I really really appreciate it!

Hope I can offer you some news tomorrow!

SO FRUSTRATED!!!

If I don't write this blog right now, I am going to BURST, literally!!!
So, I waited somewhat patiently until 4 p.m. when my clerk left the office and call my doctors office. SURPRISE SURPRISE - haven't received anything. So, I thought, let me call the Mt. Sinai lab to confirm that they will fax it to my doc's office. I usually get results very quickly. Well, let me tell you that getting through to someone at the lab is like calling some secret pentagon base!!! After 30 minutes, I managed to get a person who actually does BETA testing - well, she cannot help me either, she doesn't know what happens to the results after she does them, cannot give me the results(that was expected) and cannot even confirm whether they will be faxing and when. I told her that if the results are positive I have to redo the test in 48 hours, and all she could say is sorry, sorry, sorry there is nothing I can do. and the fertility clinic is closed. I talked to DH and we decided to drop by my doctor's office after he picks me up from a train (I am taking an early train home). So, fingers crossed, by that time we will get the results. Tell you the truth, I don't really care now one way or another, I just want to have a final result -- wait for it being some kind of an ambiguous number!!!! That's just my luck. Believe me, my entire family is on edge, too. I have been chatting with my sis as I was on the phone with the doctor's office and mountsinai - her argument - she is a blood relative - so she deserves to know first - they've been joking like that with DH for a while now, LOL, So stay tuned for an update.

Beta Day (12dp3dt)

Well, after having a meltdown last night, my emotions and feelings are somewhat dull. I am not optimistic (TMI: the brown spotting continues together with progesterone leakage), and I think now I am more ready to accept a negative result, although some tiny part of me does hope for a positive.

I've already stopped by Mt. Sinai lab to have my blood drawn, but don't expect any calls until late in the afternoon. I think it is only fair that DH and my family know first, so I'll post an update after I get home tonight.

Thank you all for your wishes, hopes and prayers.

11dp3dt (totally freaking out now)

Ok so it is now 10 p.m., and I am totally freaked out!!!
TMI, just got a bit of brownish spotting, so can it be implantation or beginning of AF? Can I even have AF if I am on progesterone? The only thing that keeps me kind of sane is that my e-friend S. said that she also had a bit of spotting 1-2 days before her beta, and she is pregnant, so I am thinking if the embie was very little, can it be that it is just implanting now? but then if it is, will it going to show on the beta tomorrow, and if it is too early for this little one, and beta is negative, and they tell me to stop taking progesterone, is the little one going to have a chance? I am sooooo confused in my head - just questions with no answers. Yep, a complete basket case!!! Plus now it feels like cramps similar to when AF usually arrives. DH told me not to worry about it as everything will be known tomorrow. Ughhhhh. Now, I hate not knowing, even considering POAS tomorrow to end my misery - but then again, whats the point!!! Both my sis and SIL called in the past hour asking how I am feeling, I didn't tell them that I spotted, everyone is on edge waiting for the results. Why can't life be not so complicated for a chance? Hope I can keep myself occupied for the rest of the night and tomorrow. Had to do this post to calm myself down a bit!!!

11dp3dt

Well, today was supposed to be my beta test, but most labs are closed, and we decided to wait until tomorrow when I can go to Mt. Sinai and get my results the same day (fingers crossed). Although it was an interesting morning. I woke up in the morning to go to pee, and as I was returning back to bed DH was looking at me with his sweet big blue eyes, and asking me what's the result. He was soooo sweet. I told him gently that I didn't POAS, that I decided not to and that if he wanted me to, he should have told me something the night before (so that I had everything ready for the morning). We only have one more day to go, but I don't want to know. I am in such a weird place right now, I kind of act like I am pregnant and like I am not pregnant - I don't know if it even makes sense. I just want to continue this way - in a blissful ignorance. I guess seeing BFN a few too many times, makes me want to delay this test as much as possible. That's how I feel, but I know it is unfair to others - to my DH who is patiently waiting with me, to my parents, my sis and BIL, my SIL and BIL, and DH's mom. They all have been waiting for a very very long time for any good news from us. I really hope we'll have something to celebrate this New Years, otherwise, I am just getting really really drunk on champagne.

I do have weird bouts of emotions now and then, I just start crying or laughing for no reason, usually due to a realization that I may be pregnant or not. I even surprise myself sometimes. Oh well, that's the beauty of all the hormones and meds to make this one little miracle.

10dp3dt

Today is 10 days past the 3 day transfer and..... I feel GREAT. Yep, no bloating, no sore bbs, no cramps, no nausea, no symptoms all together. I even forgot that I am PUPO and on my 2ww! I danced a bit at the party last night (nothing crazy, since during some moves my ovaries let me know that they are not 100% yet). So, this begs a question, is the little one still holding on? An e-friend who is cycling with me (almost exact) posted that her symptoms disappeared too today, and then another e-friend who is a few weeks into her pregnancy posted that she doesn't have any symptoms either and her RE told her not to worry as most symptoms (pregnancy related) appear only around at 6-7 weeks. That made me happy again.

The only difference is that I managed to sleep for 2 hours during the day every day this weekend (i.e. on Saturday, Sunday and today). DH and I did clean the house (I was vacuuming and he was washing the floors, but nothing too strenuous for me). I am home again tomorrow, but really need to have some work done. So not in a mood to work, but have to make myself. I guess these holidays bring out the worst in me - a very lazy person LOL I've done aprox 20 min of work today (I do have to docket my time), but now I am thinking of decorating the rest of the house, I usually do the staircase, and now the house is clean, so I can finally do that. I am in a good mood, and hope that everyone else is as excited as I am for the upcoming New Years party!!!

Let's see if I can hold on to those happy emotions all through my beta results!!!

9dp3dt

Ok, it's been 9 days already, 9 days, so 3 more days to go before Beta, and .... I am getting impatient (read: a bit crazy). I was reading a forum that I belong to and 2 girls got BFP results over Christmas (both POAS). It's amazing how we can be happy for total strangers. I guess knowing that each of those BFPs was a result of long years of TTC, tests, procedures and in some cases losses, makes me able to relate, feel like it can happen to us too, and may be for a few moments live vicariously through them :) So, for a few seconds there I was like - let's do it - but then my rational mind took over, and I told myself that I have to wait and see. There is no reason to torture myself with a BFN. Ugh... But I am getting anxious and am now counting days, hours and minutes before I get my results. The good news, I only have to go crazy for another 3 days. Wednesday is going to be the worst - I remember with each IUI waiting for a phone call would be like torture, every time a thought crossed my mind, I would feel the waive of anxiety cross my body. When I would eventually get my call the hands would shake - scared, anxious and hopeful, and every time it would start "I am so sorry, but..." I've had this happen 5 times in the past 2 years, and I really really wish with all my heart that this time it will be different, I hope to here those 4 words that I'll remember for the rest of my life "Congratulations, you are pregnant". For now, I can dream about it, and play in my head different scenarios of how I am going to announce it to DH. I am probably crazy, but every time I imagine this conversation in my head, I always cry for real. Whatever drugs I was on, completely messed up my head!!! :)

We were very lazy today, spent most of the day in the kitchen drinking tea, first with my MIL, then with my parents, and of course, most of the discussions revolved around me and TTC and IVF. But now I have to get dressed, put make up on, go to a restaurant for my friend's husband's 30th birthday, and pretend like everything is just peachy, that we are not going to TTC until after the new years etc. etc. etc. Since we've been married for almost 4.5 years, friends do ask about us having kids. Out of our closest friends only a handful knows that we are trying and that we have problems, and only one knows that we are doing IVF (she works at the RE's office). Well, let's hope that this party is going to be better than I expect it to be, although I am in no mood to dance (and I can't drink!).

8dp3dt

Today is kind of a slow day - everything is closed!

I did get some sleep, which is good. We had breakfast at my sis' mad house (with all 4 of my niece and nephews there, plus my 12 y.o. brother, and a little dog my sis is dogsitting). The plan is pretty simple for today start cleaning the house plus laundry, and then a party for DH's company.

I found this on one of the infertility forums and liked it, so decided to share with you (I put in italics my responses) Enjoy!

FELLOW PUPOS - You might have 2WW syndrome if you have one or more of the following symptoms.

Symptoms

Familiarity with the acronym POAS and using it frequently in a messageboard setting. (yep!)

Repeated questioning about when to take a home pregnancy test (HPT) while knowing the answer. (ha-ha, my question is to pee or not to pee)

Wishing hCG will go away fast then come back even quicker. (yes, that's for sure)

Stockpiling evil test kits. (nope, not a big fan)

Complete disinterest of anything unrelated to an IVF or pregnancy Google search. (100% true)

Knowing what 6dp3dt means. (again 100% true)

Persistant dreams about two red lines. (no, just weird dreams)

Urinembryophobia - the fear of peeing out embryos. (surprisingly, never had that, i guess the comment about the uterus being like a peanut butter sandwich with an embie securely snuggled inside really stuck with me)

Possible desire for 10 days of bed rest or hibernation. (oh, yes hibernation or coma or anything away from reality)

Being wished 'sticky thoughts' by complete strangers. (ha-ha, again very true)

Obsessive analysis of every body twinge. (yep, guilty of that too)

Being certain of pregnancy signs at any given moment. (yep, can always find those)

Being certain of a negative result the next minute. (oh, that's true too)

Not sure if one should laugh or cry, for no reason whatsoever. (yes, ask DH I am acting completely irrational - well more than usual0

The desire to hide from in-laws. (just not that keen on seeing my MIL right now)

Belief that some food groups conspire to attack embryos. (I think I am over that one, as i finally had chocolate (just to make me feel emotionally better))

Talking to a higher power, even if not religious. (I think we all pray and hope and wish}

7dp3dt

First of all want to wish a very very Merry Christmass to all my friends who celebrate this holiday!!!

Today is exactly one week since my little embie returned "home". I thought I was handling the 2ww pretty good... but, now paranoia reared its ugly head. Yep, I am completely paranoid now. The bloating has subsided by most part, although after a heavy dinner I do feel gassy (but who's not), but overall I feel pretty good. The only symptoms that I continue to have are nausea and night sweats. I woke up drenched in sweat third day in a row, plus yesterday I had a hot flash (hadn't have those for a while), but that might have been too much shopping. We spent 2 nights in a row in the malls and stores and finally bought our 2 secret Santa gifts and little gifts for my niece and nephews. Today, I was meeting my sis in the mall where my BIL picked us up to go to my cousins for late lunch. OMG!!! It was a mayhem, I never ever want to set my foot in a mall on the 24th, people just turn crazy, line ups EVERYWHERE - just to enter any store - you'll need to stand in line. I need to buy something for DH, but that will wait to after Christmas, I am not crazy enough to shop on Christmas Eve.

On another hand, "to pee or not to pee, that is the question" :) I made a decision (as of now) I am NOT going to POAS. I was thinking of doing it tomorrow morning due to it being Christmas, but I feel it in my gut that its too early. I talked with my mom, and she told me the same thing, why would I want to put myself through another BFN test. And since I am not doing it tomorrow, I don't see a point in doing it at any other time. I still believe that my embie is a bit behind the schedule being so little when it was put in, so do I want a heartbreaking BFN - AGAIN!!!? I don't think so, or at least not until I have solid numbers as prove. And if I do get a BFN on Tuesday, well.... so be it.... and I'll get totally drunk on New Years. I have to remind myself - POSITIVE THOUGHTS, POSITIVE THOUGHTS!!!!

I wonder if someone can be pregnant without any implantation bleeding - (TMI) so far the only stuff that comes out of there is melted progesterone pills :)

6dp3dt

I am at 6 days now, and for the past day or two my little embie is in a blastocyst stage and is attaching itself deep into my uterine lining to begin implantation. I am telling it to burrow deep and hold on tight! Burrow, burrow, burrow, burrow!!!

The good think is that after today, my long weekend is pretty full. DH is going skiing tomorrow and I am invited to my cousins for dinner, and later to my SIL's house with my sis to discuss new years plans. [as an aside: New Year celebration is a very very very big deal for me. We celebrated it since I was little. It's not connected to any religion, but a great reason for a party and to stay up until the morning!] On Saturday DH and his partners are having a holiday dinner for their company. On Sunday a friend of mine is turning 30, so we are invited to a Russian restaurant with lots of food, dancing and booze (I guess, I'll be holding the same wine glass for the entire evening, and no dancing). So my hibernation plan is not going to work out as I planned, but I still might do it on Monday!

The only other thing is that I've been feeling very emotional today - sad and teary. We went to a few stores to buy 2 gifts for secret santa, and for some reason I couldn't pass anything baby related without getting teary. Imagine a beautiful tree ornament which says "Baby's first Christmas!" Awwwww. I thought I was passed that very long time ago!!! And just now, was watching Ace of Cakes - love that show, and then there was a commercial of McD's and they were talking about kids and dad, and I just started crying. I really hope that my little baby is burrowing in and staying for a while, don't know how girls can go through this a number of times. But, just writing about my emotions, makes it sooo much easier - I feel better already!

On the subject of POAS - I just don't know, yet. My mood is swinging like a pendulum from one extreme to another - one day I am happy and positive, the other day I think that it can't possibly work, and other days like today, I just don't know and I am sad. I was thinking I'll be more excited during the holidays, hmmm. So DH does want me to POAS, I was thinking may be Christmas morning- it is a time of miracles and great energy (and since Chanukah is long gone, this is the only one I can place my hopes on), but then it's only going to be 8dp3dt. So what will I take from it? If it's going to be positive - I'll suspect that it might be the end tail of the HCG shot, and if it is negative - I'll be thinking that it is too early. The worst part is that ALL labs are closed on the 28th in my vicinity there might be one open in another city but I'll have to check that. [Sarah, thank you getting the info to me and trying to help - really appreciate it!] So, I was talking to DH and we decided may be it's for a reason I cannot do a test on the 28th, and have to wait for 29th (12dp3dt), as the embie was just so tiny, it might need more days to let me know he/she is sticking around for 9 months. And that's another reason, why I am really on the fence about POAS. So stay tuned.... :)

5dp3dt

Did I tell you that I love my parents? They are the best and the coolest. Since, I was a teen all our (my sis' and my) friends loved to hang out at our house and loved my parents too. My mom is amazing, she is such a positive person. She has been a great support, especially when I found out that not so good info regarding my little embie. She is the reason why I am positive and not losing hope. In the past two weeks, my parents came over almost every other day. They do worry. Not that they will not be grandparents, as they are (my sis has 2 kids), but they worry about me and the toll IVF has on me both emotionally and physically. My dad is actually a joker (and so is my DH) and trying to make jokes of the entire process, but since I've known him for 30 years (yep, I am that old), I can see behind that facade and how worried he actually is. I'll always be my daddy's little girl, and I love him for that.

I hope that one day my kids can write something similar about DH and I, how cool we are and how much they love us and can't live without us. I keep hoping and praying that the little "bean" is making himself(or herself) at home and sticking around for the next 9 months. It is 5dp3dt and I am not losing it yet, but do wish that I could know for sure...

As a little aside, I did talk to the clinic today, the nurse told me that the bloating, cramping, pain and nausea are the result of medication taken during the cycle and retrieval plus the progesterone pills. She said that even after all liquid is taken out of the follicles at retrieval, it is immediately replaced by the body, so my ovaries are still enlarged, hence the pain. AND that it can take up to TWO months for it to get better, unless I get pregnant... :) Well, when you put it this way, I DO NOT want the symptoms to go away just yet (my pregnant friends are probably saying, be careful what you wish for LOL).

4dp3dt

Today is exactly one week since the ER, so I officially finished my 1st week of a dreaded 2ww. All I have left as a reminder of the ER is a pretty big bruise on my wrist and bloating, and hopefully one little "bean" inside. On top of being bloated all the time, I do continue having cramps plus pain in ovaries. I even emailed my RE for any suggestions.

Now I understand why the 1st week is so much easier then the 2nd :) in the first week I was too preoccupied with the number of eggs retrieved, fertilized and actually growing, plus pains and aches from both procedures. In the 2nd week, its going to be just me and my body and all my thoughts, doubts and hopes. Let's see if I can slide through the 2nd week, just as easily. The good thing, is that I just have to live through Thursday and Friday, as I am planning to go shopping tomorrow after work, and just sleep as much as possible on Saturday, Sunday and Monday :). I think it's a good plan. Then Tuesday, I can wake up from my hybernation and go for my Beta test (really hoping that the Mt. Sinai lab and my family doctor's office is open).

Welcome, ICLW!!!

This is my first time participating in ICLW week, and I am very excited!!!

I am in the middle of 2ww after my first crazy IVF.

All of your comments, thoughts, suggestions and questions are welcomed and appreciated.

My daily post will follow later today.

3dp3dt

In the first three days the embryo continues to grow and develop, turning from a 6-8 cell embryo into a morula, then the cells of the morula continue to divide, developing into a blastocyst and by day three, the blastocyst begins to hatch out of its shell. I've decided that since my baby was only a 3 cell when it was returned "home", I am giving my little baby an extra day, and am considering it to be at the morula stage developing into a blastocyst.

I have taken an advice of my e-friend, and decided to stop any more searching on the internet. I am not looking for any success stories or other clinics. I have decided that there is nothing I can do to change it now, and by accepting this fact, it makes me feel calm and relaxed. I did get a bit stressed out when talking to DH yesterday, and him actually voicing what I had on my mind: Why I was given a small dose of drugs? Why wasn't that does adjusted when they saw what was going on? Why didn't they keep me going on stims longer? Why only 1 got fertilized? Why that one was put in at such early stage, and not waiting for it to develop further? We are both a bit frustrated with the clinic, as we were not consulted at any point in time, but simply were given decisions by the RE. I cannot do anything about it at this point and thinking about those questions and especially discussing them, really stresses me out, and I told DH not to talk about it anymore. So, that's why I was looking at different clinics. But not anymore. I will deal with it only if it comes to that. For now, only positive thoughts - my baby is growing into a blastocyst, and starting hatching out of its shell. We actually spent a great deal of time yesterday talking about various parenting and educational techniques for our children, based on our own studies and experiences with our niece and nephews, and it was so inspiring. :)

2dp3dt

I didn't realize it but it has been a month since I started writing my daily blog. Congrats to me for commitment and actually going through with it. This is my 30th blog.

I had a weirdest night, full of dreams, and I only remember bits and pieces. I had to get up a few times to go pee, and every time I would fall asleep a new dream would take place. I think all of those dreams just show the total chaos that is in my head right now. I want a baby, that's number one, and then the whole drama with my little embie, I was also reading some posts about cats being great help during TTC and I really want a kitten too (I had one when I was little, and the other when I was a teen), but DH is not that keen on any pets, and now we have a teen living with us who is allergic to cats, so definitely - No Cat for Me!

We are only at 2dp3dt, and DH and I were already started thinking whether we will POAS. I know it is too early now, but I was thinking the 25th which will be 8dp3dt, that way even if it’s going to be negative, we can say that it’s too early. I don't know, these are just thoughts that come to my head.

Luckily, I don't really feel the stress of 2ww - yet. I just go with my day to day activities as always. The mind does wonder, but not much. The only ongoing joke is DH referring to me as x number of hours pregnant. So this morning it was 48 hours pregnant. I hope someone "upstairs" is listening. :)

1dp3dt

I don't know how people lived without computers and internet before. But the internet can be a good friend or a worse enemy. I spent a few hours on the internet researching the only information that I remember about my little embie, which was "3/5". Now, when I know what it means, I am asking myself why did I need to know that. It only made me feel much worse. Basically, the top number is the number of cells, so my little baby was 3 cells when it got put back, hmm, most have it up to 6 or 8 cells. Then the next shock, 5 is the grading of the cell, and that's with 1 and 2 being the best. The next question is why did they put it in? but then, there was nothing else left. So, I felt completely bummed and on a teary side for most of the day. Then came the doubt, was it 3/5 or 5/3, I was not on drugs at that time, so I think I remembered it correctly, but then if I was mistaken, then the numbers are much better, but I think I did remember it correctly. Arghhhh. And DH didn't see that sheet of paper.

Later on I found stories on the internet of 2 cells being implanted on day 2 with success, so my little baby does have a chance. And I know that my lining was perfect (that's what the doctor said). So, my mood changes from one minute to another, I am afraid to be optimistic as if it doesn't work the news would be devastating, on the other hand I do have to think positive. I am completely lost, and I think from that I continue to feel somewhat numb emotionally. And the only symptoms I have are very sore bbs - but that's from those little round progesterone tablets. So, for now, all I have left is hoping and praying for a miracle...

ET DAY - PUPO

Today was my transfer day, and as of 9:45 a.m. I am PUPO. You would think that I am elated, but I just feel numb. I am not happy but I am not sad either, just no feeling at all. We got to the hospital with the "comfortably full" bladder by 8:40a.m. and waited until 9:40 a.m. to actually get into the procedure room (as there were 3 couples ahead of us), so by that point in time the bladder was uncomfortably full, and all I could think about is how I want to go pee and if they press the u/s harder I will pee right there and then. But the first order of business was to discuss our embryos. What a joke! Apparently I completely misunderstood (or may be just chose not to hear it), and out of 3 eggs only 2 were matured, and out of the 2 matured eggs only 1 fertilized. There was an experienced RE and a fellow in the room and they told me that my only embie is a bit smaller than what they would want it to be, but since I am young (I am 30) they reassured me that it will develop in my body. Somehow, they didn't sound very optimistic. But as I was looking at the u/s screen during the procedure, the nurse pointed out a little bright speckle which she said was my embie, I would not lie, my eyes got a little watery. The nurse also paused and took a picture at that stage, which I carry now with me.

I went back to the office, because I couldn't take any more days off without arousing unnecessary suspicions. I did put my legs up on my computer, so kept them elevated for most of the day, even though the nurses said that we can just go about our daily activities as the little embie is snuggled pretty tight. The only good part of the work day was that an e-friend got a BFP, which actually put a smile on my face. I was deliberating whether there is a point of going to acupuncture, but after feeling a bit on the up side, called my acupuncturist and made an appointment for later in the evening. And that turned out to be a very good decision, I feel more positive now and less stressful - acupuncture can do miracles.

We also had to go to our friend's b-day party, and none of them know what we are going through. First, I was thinking of not going, but in our group of closest friends that would have arose too many questions. So I went. When I was offered alcohol, I asked for wine, and only made 2 sips through the evening. Although I did have sushi - i know, i know that raw fish is not allowed, but I am trying to gradually move to a "pregnancy diet", which even if this doesn't take would be good for me in a long haul.

What I also noticed is that in the past few weeks (since we started this IVF process) I completely alienated my friends and cousins - basically anyone who doesn't know about IVF. It feels that I have nothing to talk to with those people as all of my discussions with my family who do know revolve around IVF. It is constantly on my mind and its hard right now to have a simple small talk - i know, just tried having a few this evening.

So that's were I am right now, 0dp3dt and the blood test is scheduled for 11dp3dt, which is 28th which I believe is a statutory holiday, as Xmas and Boxing Day fall on the weekend - I hope both Mt. Sinai lab and the walking clinic by my house will be working, so I can get the results right away. But for now, I have to take this one day (or hour) at a time.

Fertilization Report (48 h. past ER)

So, yesterday I started "taking" the progesterone suppositories, and was wondering why everyone referred to them as "messy". What I didn't realize was that I spent most of the day in bed or on a sofa. Today, I fully experienced the yakiness and messiness of those little round pills.

Since the time I got to the office, I was literally glued to my cell phone checking all the time if there was a phone call. And of course, for some reason, it didn't even call, just beeped that it had a message. The voicemail was simple - they are following 1 embryo, and want to see me for transfer at 8:45 a.m. with comfortably full bladder. What's "comfortably full bladder"??? I was so anxious waiting for this phone call, that when I got the message, I felt like all the energy was drained from me. This constant waiting is cruel and unusual punishment!!! I was feeling pretty down, was hoping that the second embie would pull through. Later when I calmed down a bit, I figured that whatever happens happens for the best, may be it would hurt my health or the babies if we would have two embryos. At least my conscience is clear that the only "baby" that made it is going to be in me, and I would not have to worry about my babies being kept frozen.

Well the only thing that could keep me last night from thinking about IVF, my little babies and everything IF related was decorating the tree. And yes, DH and I are Jewish and we don't celebrate Christmas, BUT its a fur tree and since I was little we had it decorated for New Years - every year! And it makes me happy!!! This year we are celebrating New Years at our house, so DH got us a real one (we have a couple of artificial trees too). So this is the picture of the one I decorated last night (well DH helped with lights). I like it more eclectic with lots of "icicles", and of course it has over a kilo of chocolate candies!

Fertilization Report (24 h. past ER)

I tried to sleep as much as possible today, and only got out of bed when the clock showed 11 a.m. I only got up once at 8 a.m. to take the progesterone, but since I went back to sleep, I didn't experience much of the messiness that all girls are talking about. From 11 a.m. I was glued to my cell phone waiting for a call from a clinic. I was constantly checking that I have receptions as we have bad reception in some parts of the house. The wait was painful and agonizing and the call finally came just before 3 p.m. The verdict..... only 2 out of my 3 eggs fertilized, and only 1 went on to divide and grow. The nurse told me that they are still keeping an eye on the one which fertilized but didn't start dividing, so may be it will start growing. I am praying to G-d that it is. But for now we only have 1 growing embie. They will call tomorrow with the report and will schedule ET on Friday.

DH and I did talk about the possible what if.... I am still positive and just taking it one day at a time, I am not considering any scenarios.... I am afraid I'll jinx it if I start making plans for Friday, but on the other hand, I am afraid of being negative and influencing the outcome with my negative thoughts.

After the phone call, I've been talking to my little ones a lot. When we started our TTC journey, I was talking to a Rabbi and asked him when does the soul gets into an embryo and he told me that part of the soul descends at the time of conception. So I am telling my two little "babies" to hang in there for just two more days and thereafter, mommy is going to take care of them. I am telling them that their daddy and I have been waiting for a long time for them. We have a nice house that everybody loves and they'll have a nice room which is waiting for them. All of their uncles and aunties are very anxious to see them too. They will have 4 cousins to play with. Their grandmas and grandpa also are very eager to hold them in their arms. Once they come here, they will be surrounded by lots of love and care. All they have to do right now is just divide and grow, and mommy will take care of both of them from Friday on. I love my two little embies already and can't wait to have them inside me...

I just have to live through tomorrow and Friday. G-d please give me strength.

ER DAY

So today was the day of ER. I was pretty calm last night, but when I woke up at 5a.m. a wave of nervousness hit my body and I couldn't fall asleep again. The roads were a mess after the snow was falling since yesterday, so we left at 7 a.m. (plus we needed to be in the parking before 8:30 a.m. to get an early bird discount). When we got to the clinic, the nurse led us to an area where we have never been before. It's pretty nice though. The good thing I got a chair next to the window - it was good because we got to the clinic at about 8:15 a.m. and my retrieval was not until 11 a.m. (although they told us to be there for 8:45 a.m.). I figured I was the last one to go, as there was another couple and two more couples came in, and all of them got their IVs and I didn't have one until much later. Then when the last couple was taken into the procedure room, the fun started. The nurse took my blood pressure and started to get the IV in - after various exercise, relaxing techniques etc. I had a hole and a bandage on each arm, a bubble of solution under the skin on one arm and no IV. So she called another nurse. The second nurse again tried various techniques, but couldn't see the vein - hopefully she gave up before trying. So nurse number three came - she did take her time and managed to fine a vein that she was happy with, she put the IV in but it started to bubble up so she stopped it. So, at this time nurse number four came and as she was looking at the thing that nurse number 3 did, they realized that it is actually in, started the IV very slowly and yei! it worked. So, I didn't have any time to relax as we were kind of running late with this whole IV saga, so they took me into the procedure room with DH by my side. I was impressed on how hightech that room was. The nurse gave two shots of drugs into my IV and after a few moments I felt a bit dizzy, but otherwise I was pretty conscious. I felt some pressure and a bit of uncomfortableness, but no real pain. The procedure was done and over with in 15 minutes. The result - 3 eggs. I was a bit disappointed and asked the doctor why? She said that one of four follicles was empty :( . Then the nurses and DH helped me up and I went back to my comfy chair, feeling dizzy. They told me that they will not let me go until I pee (TMI), which is usually not a problem for me, BUT this time around it took over 40 minutes, 1 litter of liquids in IV, 2 bottles of water and 2 bottles of juice. I was feeling ok, but had pain in my ovaries and was both tired and still a bit dizzy. On our way home we stopped by the pharmacy to get the next medication, and met by BIL for a quick bite to eat. The traffic was very bad (and that's at 2 p.m. on a weekday) I almost peed my pants by the time we got to a restaurant (which was close to our house). Once we got home, both DH and I went to sleep. I was out for over 3 hours, so feel pretty restful :). The good thing - i don't have any bleeding, that's probably because there was not much poking around.

I am a bit anxious about fertilization report tomorrow. I am staying home, although I do feel ok enough to go to the office, but DH suggested that I should take it easy. I am afraid to plan for Friday (as this would be day 3) without getting the news of fertilization back. I was told successful stories of girls getting preg with only 2-3 eggs retrieved, but my little eggs have never met my DH's sperm. I am hoping that ICSI will be a success and will have 3 beautiful embryos. Now, my little "babies" are in a dish in the lab, by this time probably already ICSIed.

So to my little ones - fertilize, divide and grow, grow, grow!!!

Needle Free Day

Today, there was no more needles. Yei!!! I am so calm about tomorrow's ER that I even surprise myself. My acupuncturist released stress from my body and I got a lot of support on line from my e-friends, and I feel so blessed and fortunate to have found this community of people who understand and who know what to say to make you feel better. They posted positive stories of what happened to them and what happened to people close to them. I had tears in my eyes just reading that. We only need one good embie to stick and grow (I would want two to be on a safe side, but whatever happens, happens).

I had a long day at the office. My boss knows that I am having a "surgery" but he doesn't know for what (and of course doesn't dare to ask). I told him not to tell about this to anyone else in the office, so for the rest of our small firm, I am going to be sick (especially since I cough and sneeze all the time anyways - I might have something lingering). I had a nice dinner an hour ago, and drank a bottle of water, and that's it for the next 12 hours, except for antibiotics at 6 a.m. tomorrow with a bit of water. So, I am going to bed. I hope, I will be in an ok state to report by the end of the day tomorrow on how it all went.

So keep your eyes and ears open...

I can breave again... Trigger Day

This morning I was very nervous. I sang (quietly) while taking a shower, to keep my mind from thinking of what is going to be said today during my u/s. The clinic was pretty empty (as they triggered close to 10 people yesterday). I told the nurse that I want DH in with me during u/s as I would not handle any bad news. So he was siting right by my side when the doctor started giving out the numbers. She started with 2.2 and i thought, "Oh Oh the 2 cm one grew again", then was 2.1, 1.9 and 1.7 and then I think a few at 1.1 and 1.3 or 1.4. The doctor (same as yesterday) look at me and DH and said that yesterday my RE said that if they would not get 4 good ones today, they will be canceling the cycle, BUT she sees 4 good follicles today. YEI!!! She was telling us that if we have a drug plan and didn't spend too much money we could still cancel and do a next round with another mix of drugs, that because I had 30 follicles at the start, they gave me a very low amount of stims. Well, we paid for drugs out of our pocket, so there was no way we were canceling this cycle. She was saying that they will probably would not get more than 4 mature eggs, and that no all mature eggs will fertilize, and not all fertilized eggs will divide and grow, so we should be ready for that. I told her that we know the odds and we are ok with it. DH nodded. I am in such an optimistic place of mind that there is no space for negative thoughts. We are in the game, the cycle is continuing!!!! Then she said that they'll call me with the time to trigger, but there is a small possibility that they might want me to stim for another day and trigger tomorrow.

We left Mount Sinai and went pretty much straight for my acupuncture appointment. Yesterday, I called her to tell her the bad news, and she was very worried when I got in today, and extremely happy that we are going ahead. She is an amazing woman, who can put me at easy. She prepared me for ER and released stress. I have been feeling so calm and mellow for the entire day today. The good thing is that after the meltdown yesterday and an acupuncture today, I am completely not stressing out about ER, I don't have any rashes of panic that gripped me last night and this morning. Although, when we were driving from the cinic, I finally realized that we are doing it, and there is a very very big chance that we are going to have a baby!!! The thought made me cry (but happy cry) and DH was worried a bit.

So, I got the call as I was driving from the acupuncture appointment. We are to trigger tonight at 11 p.m. (I wanted to tell the nurse that it was past my bed time, as last night I felt asleep at 10 p.m., but then decided against it), and we are due at the clinic at 8:45 a.m. on Tuesday (me not drinking or eating from midnight, but at 6 a.m. taking an antibiotic pill with just a few sips of water).

I've done the shot at exactly 11:00 p.m., started mixing it 10 minutes before and was ready by 10:59 p.m. (they did say to be exact). I've packed the rest of the syringes and needles to take back to the hospital as this was my LAST needle!!! It is finally coming to a first break point.

I am bloated and feel constant pressure below the belly button. I also feel pain in my ovaries but it comes and goes, with the worst when I walk or move, and it gets worse during the evening. I just need to hang on for one more day.

The plan is that I will work tomorrow, and then take at least Tuesday and Wednesday off (not sure about Thursday), but Friday would be ET (if I calculated correctly), so I'll need to have Friday off, and then would come back to the office on Sunday, and the following week will be a week before Xmas and my boss will be flying out. Which should work out perfectly for me to hopefully have a small number of stressful days.

Stims - Day 9 (Threat of Cancellation)

I got to my morning monitoring appointment with a few minutes to spare. It still took over an hour before having my u/s done. There was a commotion between the doctors and nurses as apparently 10 people were due to trigger today for ER on Monday (which they cannot handle), so they were trying to sort out, who will trigger today and who tomorrow. When the doctor (a fellow at the clinic) was doing my u/s, I was blissfully trying to keep count with the help of my hands and memorize the sizes. The end result was somewhere between 9 and 11 with sizes ranging from 1 to 2 cm. I was happy to hear that they were growing. Then came the shocking announcement, as the doctor reviewed the notes made by the nurse of the sizes and follicle number, she turned to me and told me that unfortunately my cycle might be cancelled, because 2 of the follicles are growing too fast and the rest of them are growing much slower. She continued telling me something about 5 follicles ( I remember the number, but completely don't remember what she was saying), basically after she uttered the word "CANCEL", my mind just went totally blank, not registering any information. I completely didn't expect it and was totally ambushed by the news. She was talking about converting it into IUI - and all i could hear in my head is "Oh, no!! We already had 5 BFNs from IUI!!!". The last thing she told me that if the progesterone goes up they'll continue for another day and make a decision tomorrow. So, I got my prescription for today, called DH barely holding it together as I was still at the clinic, and got my completely heartbroken soul to work. Well, after about 3 hours of nerve-wracking wait, I got a call that the progesterone is up, from 1,400 to over 2,000, so I still have a chance. I am trying to think rationally and telling myself that whatever happens, happens for a reason, and I will only be better off if I just go with the flow and stop stressing out. I've already lost 1.5 kg. from stress, as I barely could swallow any food. I willing my big follicles to stop growing for now and wait for their sisters and brothers, and to my little ones, I just say: grow, grow, grow. After the call, I felt completely exhausted, I haven't had my 12 hour sleep in a very long time, I am nauseous and bloated all the time. I don't know what I want anymore, at least some clarity. May be just tag along until Monday, trigger on Monday and have an ER on Wednesday and ET on Saturday. That's sounds like a nice plan, I really hope somebody up there is listening! All I can do at this point is take it easy (easier said than done) and get some sleep. I had to reschedule my acupuncturist from tonight to tomorrow morning, as I couldn’t finish all the work assignments in time, I am now going to go to my mommy, have my 8 p.m. shot, get home and go to bed, and we'll see what tomorrow brings.

Stims - Day 8

Today started with a nice surprise - I am down 1 kg and that's with no restricting my food and no exercising. The morning menopur shot is part of the routine now, so nothing new to report there. We had a holiday party today at work, all 6 of us went to a restaurant for lunch (for over 2 hours) which was a nice break in the day. I do however feel somewhat bloated and gassy all the time, but I am not inconvenience by it just yet. The Cetrotide shot this evening again resulted in a red burning and itching spot, so I'll have to talk to the clinic tomorrow after my u/s and b/w about this.

I was thinking today, how interesting life is, how everything is interconnected, and you get what you need when you need it. In the summer, I decided to lose weight (well, I've been fighting that battle pretty much since birth) so I went onto the biggest loser website, but it wasn't free. I started looking for a Canadian site, and found X-weighted. I wasn't that thrilled with the site, but someone on that site recommended another site - SparkPeople, I registered there and fell in love. It's an amazing site with lots of useful information AND it's free. SparkPeople has various teams including those dealing with infertility, I made some e-friends and one of the friends suggested ivf.ca, which is a G-d send to keep my sanity during this process. And of course, through ivf.ca I figured out how to do this blogging, which as well really helps me mentally.

I love that I can share my journey with others like me on ivf.ca, I can give whatever support I can give, and receive support when I need it. We had some amazing stories, miracles and good news on our forum. I am surprised by myself that I am so emotionally attached to my friends on this forum, I am so happy for every BFP, especially if it is a person who has been active on the board, and today, when I read a not so good ending to a nice story, I was heartbroken and had tears in my eyes. I was hoping and praying for her that everything is going to be ok. May be it was selfish - I needed to know that there are miracles, that there is always a happy ending, regardless of circumstances. It was uncanny that most of the miracles where during the week of Chanukah, the time of miracles, and I refuse to believe that just because this holiday is over, there is no more place for miracles. I really really want a little miracle in my life and trying to do everything possible to make it happen.

Stims - Day 7 (more needles)

Today was an interesting day. This morning was my second u/s and b/w during stims. It was a different doctor. The good thing, she was slowly telling the nurse the sizes of my follicles, so I managed to count them. I have 11 follicles ranging in sizes from 0.9 to 1.2 (I think it refers to mm, but would not bet on it), but she said that I have a "bunch" of small ones on both ovaries, so I guess that's where the 5 other follicles that the doctor saw on Tuesday. I was also told that I have to start cetrotide at 8 p.m. today. The whole procedure took about an hour, so I was hurrying out to get to work. This morning the temperature dipped to -15. I had to take menopur with me and was afraid that it will be too cold for it, so I put it in my insulated lunch bag where I had my oatmeal which I just made. I leave my shoes, clothes and lunch bag in the change room and only carry around my purse. So, I was running out and into the subway to go to the office (it would take me about 20-10 min to walk, which time I didn't have). I was standing on the platform when I realized that I forgot my lunch bag together with my medication in the change room. Of course, once I told DH, his comment was that he was surprise I didn't forget my head, yep I tend to do that.

The other hurdle was that I realized that ER is going to be next week. I asked around and figured that a good proposed day would be next week Wednesday. I got a call from the clinic that I am to continue with menopur and start cetrotide, did my shot in the lady's room (again) and started thinking on what to tell my boss. I was so stressed out that I didn't even have my lunch, plus I don't think my stomach is reacting nicely to all the drugs in my system. Well, I worked up the nerve and told him that I just got a call from the hospital (the clinic is part of a hospital) and that my doctor is going to be schedule a surgery next week, just not sure for which day as they are waiting for cancellation. I told him not to tell any other people in the office, as I didn't want to respond to any questions or get into any explanations. He told me 5 times that if I don't want to, I do not even need to tell him what is going on. Of course, I didn't!!! I also told him that I need to take drugs at 8 p.m. and that I had to be out of there by 6:30 p.m. (which, is somewhat early for me). So, now that's taken care of.

The next thing was cetrotide. It doesn't have a nice q-cap that menopur has, and I was freaking out about mixing it. Plus, the brochure that I was given for cetrotide and instructions that came with the medication, all said that I have to get some air into the syringe, a small amount 0.1 cc, so that all of the drug would get out, as the air would stay in the needle. DH said absolutely no air and left the house to go to a meeting, so I was freaking out about that too. Boy was I freaking out about the wrong thing. I mixed it with big needle no problem. I did have some air inside the way they said (although it doesn't have grading so hard to say what is 0.1 cc). I did the shot, which didn't hurt as much, and then the problems started!!!

OMG what do they put in there???? It didn't hurt as much going in (menopur hurts much more), but thereafter... first I had to put a bandage because the little needle hole didn't stop bleeding (I've never had that with menopur). Then I had to get out of the house to run some errands, so I put my jeans and i could feel my tummy itching and slightly burning. When I got back home and looked I had a pretty large red spot. So remembering some of recommendations on the fertility forum, I took some ice cubes and tried to ice the red spot for a good 20 minutes, the redness went away somewhat, but some of the burning remained for much longer. And I have to take this drug every night until the trigger!!!! Needles, needles, needles!!!

Stims - Day 6 (waiting for pain)

Am I crazy? I got into my head that if the follicles are growing, they should hurt. So, I am waiting for pain to start, and to go further, I am willing the pain to start. Who would do such a thing? I am happy when I can feel minor pangs of pain where I think my ovaries are, but those pangs are pretty rare, and I am constantly thinking whether the drugs are working.

Today, I decided to give DH a break by not waking him up at 6:30 a.m. to give me my shot (yep, did it myself), plus took my mom's car and drove myself to the train, and then to the doctor's office. I've read a note at the clinic which said that it will be closed from 24th of December to January 4, and if a patient needs to get their beta results they should provide the clinic the number of their family doctor. The problem is that since we started TTC (4 years ago), I haven't been at my family doctor, plus we moved north, the office hours are not great and it's hard to get a hold of someone (the line is usually busy). So I made an appointment at a family practice 2 min drive from my house. I spent 2 min with the doctor, told him the problem and he even gave me a requisition for a pregnancy test. Yei!!! He also told me that I can just call the office to get the results. So at least that's done with, check! one less thing to worry about.

The rest of the evening I spent with my niece and nephew as my sis is away, we lighted all candles today with my 3.5 year old niece as today is the last day of Chanukah. And to be honest, I've seen plenty of miracles on the fertility forum I am following. My SIL also came by with my two nephews, so we had a full house :).
When I got home, DH and I lighted candles at our house, and I just sat there watching the flames, so peaceful. DH was by my side and I was imagining little ones running around in our kitchen... I am hoping it's not just my imagination, but a vision from the not so distant future... we are so ready for you, our little one(s) ....

Stims - Day 5

After I got home last night, I just didn't feel like getting in front of the computer. Just read for a bit in bed and went to sleep. So, posting yesterday's news today. 2 posts in one day - that's a punishment for being lazy yesterday :)

So yesterday was a bit unusual as I didn't have to do a shot in the morning. Thankfully the train was on time, and I got to the clinic 20 minutes without my appointment, had my b/w done, and waited for about 45 minutes for u/s. When they got in and the RE started telling follicle sizes to the nurse, I tried to keep count on my fingers, but soon lost count. Thereafter I had to talk to a nurse, and asked her how many - she said that there were 16 follicles, but they are all small with 5 being the smallest. The funny part is that 8 is my favourite number, and a few days ago I was thinking that 8 follicles would be too little, but 16 (8 for each ovary) would be a good number, and ta - da, I have 16, power of suggestion???
The nurse also explained how to take cetrotide (which I would have to administer at 8 p.m.), but I was not to take any drugs until they call me. I had a crazy busy day at the office as we had a closing and got a call at 2 p.m. that it’s too early for cetrotide as my estrogen level is low, and I was to continue with the same (150IU) dose of menopur - which meant that I had to take my shot at work. My office does have a door (but it doesn't lock) and a huge window looking straight into another office building, so the only place - ladies room. Tell you the truth, I don't really remember how I did that shot, but I did it (Thank G-d for a little purse shelf in the stall where I could spread out a bit :) ). I am back on Thursday for another u/s and b/w.

On our way home we did stop by Glen Shields pharmacy, even though Costco quoted me a much better price over the phone, when I actually got there the price was a bit higher then Glen Shields, plus Glen Shields is closer to our house and open longer hours :) and they sell by vials too - RE gave me prescription for 6 vials of menopur - and each package has only 5. So from now on, Glen Shields it is!!!

On the other note, the side of my leg still hurts - no bruise though, i guess I can't see it through all the padding I have!

Stims - Day 4

So, DH arrived home last night safely (notwithstanding the snowstorm), so guess who had to get up at 6:30 a.m. to do my shot this morning - you guessed it - my DH! It still hurt, but a girl gotta do what a girl gotta do, right?

U/s and b/w is tomorrow morning - the good news - I don't have to do my shot in the morning, the bad news - I will have to do it thereafter, I guess in the ladies room at work.... hmmm... not liking this possibility. But what can keep a girl's mind off IVF? A crazy busy day at the office, yep, left work at 9 p.m. took GO Bus home. And the perfect ending to such a day.... imagine... it has been snowing since last night, the bus doors opened, I am the first one ready to get off and all I see is virgin snow everywhere (not even an inkling on where the sidewalk starts)... and you probably guessed the ending of this story - I miscalculated the distance from the last step to the ground and ended up falling in to the snow. I was helped up by a nice gentlemen who was getting off after me, while DH sat in the car (he told me he was going to get out, but there were people around who were helping me already). The end result - nothing is broken, but my right thigh hurts when I sit, so might get a "nice" bruise tomorrow, just in time for my u/s. But, it was actually funny when I think about it in the comfort of my home - me and getting off any mode of transportation don't go together (I'll spare you the details of my other falls).

Stims - Day 3

This morning the shot hurt the most - it hurt when the needle was going in and when the medication was going in, although there was no bruise. I am extremely happy that DH is back tonight, and we agreed that I'll be mixing the drug and thereafter he is going to administer the shot, and I don't even need to look at the needle - Yei!!!

AF is continuing its course, but I have no other symptoms from drugs, so a bit worried whether it is working or not. I really hope it is, I am willing my follicles to grow and mature and envision them getting bigger, like flower buds in the field. Now that the shots are kind of an everyday occurrence, it is no longer sinking in. I saw my acupuncturist today again and she was great as always, and we were looking at the calendar and she was already talking about next weekend being my pre ER visit, where she would concentrate on preparing my body for ER, which she is thinking going to be mid of the following week (i.e. Dec. 14-16) which is what a nurse in the clinic also said. But those are all guesses (albeit made from experience). I will only know how I am progressing on Tuesday morning when I am due for my b/w and u/s. Can't wait, just want to know that it is working.... oh, the waiting game....

Stims - Day 2

Well, nothing much to report today. I did get up at 6:30 a.m. to do my shot, which for some reason was more painful this time and caused more bleeding and a slight bruise. I also did get back to bed to sleep for an hour and then cleaned my house before the cleaning lady (which comes in once a month). It's funny, but DH and I usually do tidy up the house before she comes. I had to get out of the house, so first i went shopping (which i don't really enjoy doing by myself) and then for a long walk with a friend of mine, we spent over 1.5 hours outside and considering it was below zero, got a bit frozen :)

My sis asked for help with the kids at a Chanukah lighting ceremony and party, and when I got home I lighted the candles here. I love to watch candles burning, I feel warm and in peace.

I liked the following quote, as I do equate the creation of a life to a miracle, and miracle are all around us, we just have to take a closer look and believe.

"There’s an explosion of miracles happening every moment. The ceaseless motion of the ocean; the Earth rotating around the sun; the way our heart circulates blood through our body without us even thinking about it. Today, be aware of the miracles happening all around you and celebrate the awesome power of God." Yehuda Berg

Stims - Day 1

Well, I did it!!! I woke up, made myself breakfast, ate a banana, mixed (or as they call it "reconstituted") menopur and.... poked myself with a needle!!! I was holding my tummy so hard that I didn't even feel the needle going in. I only felt some pain when I was injecting menopur. The result - I have one tiny red spot on my tummy and I guess its the first one of many . I'll be in a competition with my acupuncturist - who can stick more needles in me :) And later in the day as I was going over the events of this morning in my head, it hit me - we are actually doing this! In about 3-4 weeks, my eggs will finally meet DH's sperm and we will finally make a baby, and I'll be pregnant!!! (positive thoughts, people, positive thoughts)

So, for the entire day I felt some cramping and dull pain in my ovaries, and I was thinking that it is probably all in my head since it was way to early for the drugs to kick in and actually have an effect. And then... surprise, surprise, AF showed up!!! Why? I finished BCP 5 days ago, an was thinking that this 5 day period between the last BCP and injections is to allow for AF. I guess I was wrong. Go figure... I am contemplating whether to call the clinic or not, they did say that it might or might not start.... It is kind of early (with my regular cycle, I would have had it a week to ten days from now), but I guess IVF procedure is full of surprises.

On the other hand, it explains the weird mood swings that I've been having for the past couple of days - PMS - ha! I am sad that I am alone, I am pissed at my boss for first telling me to work on Sunday (I usually do, but I asked him not to this week), then that it's ok to work from home and then again the he needs me in. I am usually a pretty calm and professional at work, but I think even the boss was aware of my displeasure. I do need a new job!!!!

I was considering being a nice girl and telling him of my "surgery" ahead of time, but now I am pissed, so all he will get is a 36 or 24 hour notice (after I get my trigger shot). It's hard, as nobody at the office knows what I am going through, plus the boss himself doesn't have kids and is very critical of other professionals who spend more time with their kids rather than work. Uhm-uhm. I know, you'll ask me what the hell am I still doing there, but it is a great experience, plus I figured if I get pregnant, I'll just work for 9 months, and then look for another job after maternity, not that I am not looking now, but so far, no call backs. Anyway, now my priority is this procedure, so tomorrow, I'll be up at 6:30 a.m. to do the shot, and those who know me, know that this will be a colossal task for me, as Saturday is the only day I can sleep in, so I rarely get up before 10 or 11 a.m. Hoping my mood will improve a bit, now that AF is actually here.

Rollercoaster

I am equating this whole IVF procedure to the rollercoaster ride.
We've bought our ticket for the rid, when I called in my Day 1 - there is no turning back now. Then we were patiently (sometimes) waiting in line getting closer and closer to the platform - while I was taking my BCP. And today, I am on the platform and the train is approaching. I will be getting on the train tomorrow when I start my stim shots and thereafter, buckle your seat belts (as i was told by many) it will be a very very fast ride.

I am by myself in our big house and its so quite :( , I've already watched the DVD with the instructions 2 times, and they make it look so easy, and I am just petrified. I keep telling myself that I have to do this, there is no other option. So, I will get up tomorrow, mix the medication and give myself a nice shot in my tummy before getting to the office for what is expected to be one crazy day. If I am so nervous about the shots, I can't think of how I will be feeling before ER. Not to get ahead of myself or anything....

Happy First Day of Chanukah!!!

Today is the first day of Chanukah, so DH and I went to my sis' place for Chanukah dinner (latkes included) and lighting the first candle. I bought chocolate coins for the kids (my niece and nephews - both my sis' and my SIL's). And all I could think about, how cute would it be when my kids will be playing with my niece and nephews, and looking at the candles, and boys in kippahs. Sigh!!! Our full house will be a mad house. LOL.

After the dinner (a bit later), I went for my last boot camp class today. I was sad a bit, I love the workout - I am sore, but happy sore :) This is the only place were I get pushed to have a decent workout. I love myself too much.

But, I am all psyched up for my injections on Friday morning. One more day left!!! DH is packing to go out of town tomorrow afternoon, so I'll have the entire house to myself for the weekend... and I told my boss that I am not working this Sunday. My real reason is that I don't really know how injections will be affecting my body.

Happy Chanukah again! Hoping for a little miracle (or two) this year!!!