So, its the first for me, my sis is turning 30 today and we are not celebrating together. Feel kind of sad, although we've been texting back and forth through the day. The reason, she wished to have her birthday in Las Vegas (and that's where she is right now), but since the booking was done before IVF, I didn't want to risk flying to LV with an early pregnancy. The end result - no baby, my sis is having fun in LV and I am stuck at the office.
My relationship with my sister is an interesting one. We are only 1 year apart - both being born in May, but our characters are polar opposite of each other. When we were little and in our teens, we used to kick the crap out of each other (although there were periods when we played nicely together too). After we immigrated to Canada, all of our friends were the same and we started to hang out more. But our relationship did not develop into a more close one until my sis decided to get into a Business School and figured out how tough I had to be to get into law school, and especially after we both started dating.
She was always an outgoing party girl, always wanted to go out and hang out with friends, and I was shocked how after my niece was born she changed 180 degrees. The baby was supposed to be in bed by 7 p.m. at night so she had to be home to put her to bed, she prepared all baby food from scratch and became a hands-on mom (at least for the time before she went back to work).
Her first pregnancy was a shock to me. They were married a year before DH & I and I knew that my BIL wanted kids but that my sis was not ready and didn't really want them. About a month or two before our wedding (that was 5 years ago), I went to my family doctor to start preparing for pregnancy running tests and getting advice on vitamins. I think deep down inside I was afraid of my sis getting pregnant first, as she got married first, but when 2 weeks before our wedding she announced her pregnancy, I was totally out of it. It was the worst timing for me, as I was already stressing out about the wedding and having panic attacks as things were not going smoothly to put it mildly.
Well, I sucked it up and spent the entire day in the hospital when she was in labour. I was just outside the delivery room when my niece was born and heard her first cry. When my sis wanted the second one (by that time we've been trying for a while), she called me in the office and asked me when they should BD, I gave them a date and about 2 weeks later she called me to tell me that she did an HPT and it was positive. I guess because I felt responsible for it, for the first time in my dark IF days I was actually happy for her (without any reservations). My nephew was also born in May (he-he-he). She was due in June and DH & I were leaving for Paris for a week, so she called me at 5 a.m. the day we were leaving and told me that since I forbid her to give birth while I am in Paris, so she was on her way to the hospital. This time, I didn't get a chance to be close by when she gave birth, as she didn't even have time to change before she started pushing - no epidural, nothing! But i did ended up spending a few hours with my nephew before flying to Paris - stress free.
The thing is that being able to get pregnant so easily, she doesn't really get what I am going through. To her IF is kind of like a joke, not in the sense that it is funny, but in the sense that it is easy. When our old RE suggested IVF right away, and both DH & I were just not ready for it yet, every time I would complain that I got AF or that IUI didn't work, she would tell me to do IVF, like this is just a walk in the park. Don't get me work, she cares deeply about me & DH and she also gets upset at all our BFNs and cries with me, but she just doesn't get how it is. And because of that some of her actions and words can hurt and be upsetting.
It's strange, I was complaining to DH that lately she's been getting on my nerves. As we travel to work together, i see her every day, and every day it is something. "Your eyebrows are not plucked properly", "you talk with your eyes", "your dress pants look like slacks", "this shirt is too tight" etc. etc. So, I was getting annoyed. But now, she's been gone for 3 days and I really miss her, and am pretty down all day cause I can't be with her. I even imagined that I got a call from someone who would offer me a different job and put me on a plane to go to Vegas to surprise her. I do daydream A LOT, I guess I find it relaxing and it's my place away from this world. I am sorry if I sound crazy, but back to my sister.
Today, she told me that the best birthday present for her would have been me telling her that she will be an aunt in 9 months. Can't do that, so all that she'll get is money and a surprise party. Which reminds me, my BIL emailed me and said that he forgot the cake, so tomorrow I'll be looking for a place where to order a cake for her. The guest list is finally nailed down and the sitting plan is also finished, so besides having a crazy day at the office and figuring what to wear, I am pretty set.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
Little aches and pains
On the non IF related fronts - I have been preoccupied with planning a surprise party for my sis' 30th birthday. My BIL got the venue and the decorations, and I have been doing a guest list, and calling and emailing everyone to nail down the number, which is not such an easy task as the guest list was over 50 guests with a party being on a Thursday night. Plus, I have to take care of the final details as both my sis and BIL travelled to Vegas for her birthday which is tomorrow (and warrants its own little post). So there is very little time to think about my own problems or be on blogger or on my other favourite site ivf.ca.
On the IF related front, I am now on CD25 of my natural cycle. I've tried to toy with OPKs albeit unsuccessfully and tracking my cm, as well as BDing around the right time just for the hell of it. I was hoping to track my basal temperature but forgot to start when AF arrived so decided to skip temping this cycle. So, I am on CD 25 and for the past 3-4 days have been having AF like cramps plus a pain in my ovaries. I usually don't get AF cramps until after AF shows up, so this is very weird for me. With respect to pains in my ovaries, I figured one of two things (or both) either I have a cysts (which would suck as I would not be able to do FET in June if I have cysts) or my ovaries hurt because they are decreasing in size post IVF. I guess will see what the future brings.
On the IF related front, I am now on CD25 of my natural cycle. I've tried to toy with OPKs albeit unsuccessfully and tracking my cm, as well as BDing around the right time just for the hell of it. I was hoping to track my basal temperature but forgot to start when AF arrived so decided to skip temping this cycle. So, I am on CD 25 and for the past 3-4 days have been having AF like cramps plus a pain in my ovaries. I usually don't get AF cramps until after AF shows up, so this is very weird for me. With respect to pains in my ovaries, I figured one of two things (or both) either I have a cysts (which would suck as I would not be able to do FET in June if I have cysts) or my ovaries hurt because they are decreasing in size post IVF. I guess will see what the future brings.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
I see FET in our near future... or WTF apt - Take 2
I guess we are doing FET with my next cycle if it is not too delayed as Dr. H will be away at certain times over the next two months.
For the first time in 4.5 years of us TTCing DH was very impatient and while we were waiting for our RE DH suggested we do another IUI if we have to wait for FET for a few months. I was shocked that he brought it up as I was thinking that after 5 IUIs we were done with them. DH's argument was that we haven't done them at the new clinic and may be they use different technique etc.
So, it wasn't surprising when at the first opportunity DH asked about his sperm count at IVF. The answer stunned us both, it was was 22 mil!!!! with motility of about 80%. Which is unheard of for us, as the last IUI it was the highest at 15 mil with motility of just 30%. DH was so proud - you should have seen how his face lighten up (even though he says that he is not bothered by all this IF stuff :D )
Dr. H. did say that our blasts looked great and he was really surprised that they didn't take. He reviewed the tapes and it didn't appear that there was anything wrong with the transfer itself. As he was reviewing our file, I saw that he made certain notes of how to improve the transfer technique for the future, and really appreciated that. If we assume that I am healthy (which I should be) then the only other reason that he can suggest is that the lining was at 1.6 cm which apparently is too thick. It was due to my Estrogen level which just before the retrieval hit over 24,000 (they actually didn't measure by how much over). We did get 19 eggs and with a cyst, I should not be surprised that E2 was so high. The RE said that since naturally the lining doesn't reach such a size, it might have impeded the implantation and he has seen cases where FET was more successful than fresh IVF. (Oh, G-d, let this be our case PLEASE!!!)
A e-friend of mine who also goes to the same clinic told me that for her FET Dr. H puts her on 7-10 weeks BCP. I was mindful of that when I was trying to plan our summer thinking of FET at the end of the summer or beginning of fall. It turns out that in our case, Dr. H does not recommend going on BCP or any other suppressants and we can start as early as my next period. Yei?!? Definitely didn't expect that.
So the plan is to do FET first. Hopefully my little snowbabies would thaw nicely and we would only need to use 2, although Dr. H was not that optimistic and he did say that not all of them will make it through the thawing process. The good thing is that nice people at the lab froze each of the 4 separately. So they can be defrosted one by one until we have 2. If 2 good blasts are going to be transferred on FET and it is not successful, we will do much more testing to ensure that there are no other problems with me personally, like my immune system or with embryos themselves.
I don't know if I am ready for another IVF soon, but if DH's numbers are going to stay as high as they are right now (which is getting close to a "normal" range), we might try another few round of IUI before going into IVF#3.
We then talked to our nurse, and as she was explaining the cycle the word "biopsy" came out. I wanted to ask Dr. H about a biopsy as many girls on the forum had great success with it, but forgot all about it. So, I thought it was a mistake which I pointed out to her, to which she said that when Dr. H was preparing our FET protocol she actually asked him if he wants to do something different before transfer - like a biopsy, and he agreed. I am so happy that all staff at our clinic know what they doing. I told our nurse that I was thinking about a biopsy too, and she said that we should always bring up everything that we know or find out, as the IF world is always evolving and many times the patients who are active on different forums (GUILTY!!!) find new information contemporaneously with the REs.
As we were going through my FET protocol and dates, it turned out that if my AF does not show up when it is supposed to, being the first week of June, we would have to reschedule FET to the following cycle as our RE will be away from the clinic during a few weeks in July. So crossing my fingers and toes that AF cooperates. I know that after my 1st IVF my cycle was not affected, so hoping beyond hope that the history will repeat itself.
The good thing is that on average from the day I call my day 1 it will take approximately 20 days to complete the whole cycle, as at this point my RE does not recommend that I go on BCP prior to the cycle (good for me - less chemicals in my body). The only drugs involved are estrace and prometrium which I have left over from our last IVF cycle. And the monitoring is much less, if I remember correctly – day 3 u/s & b/w, 1 time for biopsy, and I think another 1 or 2 times before the transfer to check lining.
Another good thing is that the day of the transfer may be manipulated by a day or two by starting to take one of the hormones a bit later or earlier. The reason is that I want the transfer to be on a Friday, so that I can take Friday off and take it very very easy over the weekend (and to give my boss an excuse that we are going to a cottage and not come into the office on Sunday either :) ). I would note be able to use this excuse (or take more than one day off), if the transfer is going to be in the middle of the day.
The next meeting was with the financial person, and a pleasant surprise was that the RE adjust his price down a bit for the transfer as he strongly feels that we should have gotten pregnant from the IVF. Another good thing is that for FET the full amount is not due until the day of the transfer, which is amazing, as we paid the full amount for IVF BEFORE starting stims. The reason is that there might be a little tiny chance that none of the snowbabies make it through thaw, but I am not letting this thought to enter my mind. We will have 2 perfect blasts on the transfer date - PERIOD!!!
So here it is in a nut shell. Entering an uncharted territory with FET and as always praying for a miracle!!!
For the first time in 4.5 years of us TTCing DH was very impatient and while we were waiting for our RE DH suggested we do another IUI if we have to wait for FET for a few months. I was shocked that he brought it up as I was thinking that after 5 IUIs we were done with them. DH's argument was that we haven't done them at the new clinic and may be they use different technique etc.
So, it wasn't surprising when at the first opportunity DH asked about his sperm count at IVF. The answer stunned us both, it was was 22 mil!!!! with motility of about 80%. Which is unheard of for us, as the last IUI it was the highest at 15 mil with motility of just 30%. DH was so proud - you should have seen how his face lighten up (even though he says that he is not bothered by all this IF stuff :D )
Dr. H. did say that our blasts looked great and he was really surprised that they didn't take. He reviewed the tapes and it didn't appear that there was anything wrong with the transfer itself. As he was reviewing our file, I saw that he made certain notes of how to improve the transfer technique for the future, and really appreciated that. If we assume that I am healthy (which I should be) then the only other reason that he can suggest is that the lining was at 1.6 cm which apparently is too thick. It was due to my Estrogen level which just before the retrieval hit over 24,000 (they actually didn't measure by how much over). We did get 19 eggs and with a cyst, I should not be surprised that E2 was so high. The RE said that since naturally the lining doesn't reach such a size, it might have impeded the implantation and he has seen cases where FET was more successful than fresh IVF. (Oh, G-d, let this be our case PLEASE!!!)
A e-friend of mine who also goes to the same clinic told me that for her FET Dr. H puts her on 7-10 weeks BCP. I was mindful of that when I was trying to plan our summer thinking of FET at the end of the summer or beginning of fall. It turns out that in our case, Dr. H does not recommend going on BCP or any other suppressants and we can start as early as my next period. Yei?!? Definitely didn't expect that.
So the plan is to do FET first. Hopefully my little snowbabies would thaw nicely and we would only need to use 2, although Dr. H was not that optimistic and he did say that not all of them will make it through the thawing process. The good thing is that nice people at the lab froze each of the 4 separately. So they can be defrosted one by one until we have 2. If 2 good blasts are going to be transferred on FET and it is not successful, we will do much more testing to ensure that there are no other problems with me personally, like my immune system or with embryos themselves.
I don't know if I am ready for another IVF soon, but if DH's numbers are going to stay as high as they are right now (which is getting close to a "normal" range), we might try another few round of IUI before going into IVF#3.
We then talked to our nurse, and as she was explaining the cycle the word "biopsy" came out. I wanted to ask Dr. H about a biopsy as many girls on the forum had great success with it, but forgot all about it. So, I thought it was a mistake which I pointed out to her, to which she said that when Dr. H was preparing our FET protocol she actually asked him if he wants to do something different before transfer - like a biopsy, and he agreed. I am so happy that all staff at our clinic know what they doing. I told our nurse that I was thinking about a biopsy too, and she said that we should always bring up everything that we know or find out, as the IF world is always evolving and many times the patients who are active on different forums (GUILTY!!!) find new information contemporaneously with the REs.
As we were going through my FET protocol and dates, it turned out that if my AF does not show up when it is supposed to, being the first week of June, we would have to reschedule FET to the following cycle as our RE will be away from the clinic during a few weeks in July. So crossing my fingers and toes that AF cooperates. I know that after my 1st IVF my cycle was not affected, so hoping beyond hope that the history will repeat itself.
The good thing is that on average from the day I call my day 1 it will take approximately 20 days to complete the whole cycle, as at this point my RE does not recommend that I go on BCP prior to the cycle (good for me - less chemicals in my body). The only drugs involved are estrace and prometrium which I have left over from our last IVF cycle. And the monitoring is much less, if I remember correctly – day 3 u/s & b/w, 1 time for biopsy, and I think another 1 or 2 times before the transfer to check lining.
Another good thing is that the day of the transfer may be manipulated by a day or two by starting to take one of the hormones a bit later or earlier. The reason is that I want the transfer to be on a Friday, so that I can take Friday off and take it very very easy over the weekend (and to give my boss an excuse that we are going to a cottage and not come into the office on Sunday either :) ). I would note be able to use this excuse (or take more than one day off), if the transfer is going to be in the middle of the day.
The next meeting was with the financial person, and a pleasant surprise was that the RE adjust his price down a bit for the transfer as he strongly feels that we should have gotten pregnant from the IVF. Another good thing is that for FET the full amount is not due until the day of the transfer, which is amazing, as we paid the full amount for IVF BEFORE starting stims. The reason is that there might be a little tiny chance that none of the snowbabies make it through thaw, but I am not letting this thought to enter my mind. We will have 2 perfect blasts on the transfer date - PERIOD!!!
So here it is in a nut shell. Entering an uncharted territory with FET and as always praying for a miracle!!!
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Life after BFN
I was so upset after losing my post that I didn't want to continue blogging, but I think I should. I will not repeat the post that I lost (at least for now), and will start catching up from the day after my b-day being May 9, 2011.
DH and I decided to start a cleansing program as my body was feeling very tired from all the hormones and medications that I had to inject during the last IVF. AF did start about 5 days after I stopped progesterone and estrogen suppositories, and it was in full swing on my birthday. Although AF was vicious, it did feel liberating. We've done the cleansing for about a week and I've lost almost 3.5 kg. I believe that most of it was water, since I do think that I might have had a mild case of OHSS after retrieval. That was last week (May 9-15), the next week we tried to keep eating healthy, which mostly worked as I barely gained anything back. Then comes the long weekend... DH & I did do a lot of walking, but we also relaxed our eating rules too (nothing too extreme, but still..). So the weight did creep up a bit. The good thing is that we do go outside much. on Saturday, we went to Lakeshore and while DH and his brother were on roller-blades, my SIL, both nephews and me were walking along lake Ontario. I even got sunburn to prove it. Yesterday (Sunday) it was raining in the morning, but in the afternoon I forced DH to take a walk around the neighbourhood which resulted in a 5.5 km walk. As a reward, we went to the movies afterwards :) Monday, was raining on and off again, but we went for a walk in a park (and didn't get wet) with my SIL and nephews. Our boys (DH & his brother) decided to cycle back from the park and ended up caught in the rain. Overall it was a good long weekend as I had not touch my computer and didn't go to the office. Which meant that today I was pretty busy at work :)
I got a call today from our RE's office. He had a cancellation and our WTF apt was moved from next Monday to tomorrow. Yei!!!
Emotionally, I do feel a bit better, although I still cry sometimes, but not on a daily basis. We tried to catch my Ov this month, but I haven't been diligent enough in taking OPKs and didn't start temping but instead relied on ewcm, which I don't think is a very good indicator. Oh well, just need to rest from all the IF start. DH & I decided that next cycle I'll start to chart with AF and will do OPKs more diligently. I should Ov around day 14-16, but who knows what 2 IVFs did to my body.
On a happier note, my sis is turning 30 at the end of the month, and I love b-days!!! They will be celebrating her actual b-day with a few friends in Las Vegas, I wish we could go too, but when they were booking the trip, we were going through IVF and didn't want to take a chance to fly there pregnant. So now no trip and no baby, I guess the joke is on us... But my BIL is planning a surprise party for my sis at home, and of course, yours truly is very much involved in planing. The guest list as it stands right now is 50 people and tomorrow, I'll have to start calling everyone for a "save the date" call. That's a good distraction from anything IF related.
This month I've decided not to participate in ICLW as I am not in a good place right now emotionally and even though I am happy for my e-friends, it still aches in my heart when I see what could have been me. I know it's not good, but that's the truth right now. I hope to get involved more in blogging when the time comes closer to our FET, but for now will stay content with blogging about my everyday life.
DH and I decided to start a cleansing program as my body was feeling very tired from all the hormones and medications that I had to inject during the last IVF. AF did start about 5 days after I stopped progesterone and estrogen suppositories, and it was in full swing on my birthday. Although AF was vicious, it did feel liberating. We've done the cleansing for about a week and I've lost almost 3.5 kg. I believe that most of it was water, since I do think that I might have had a mild case of OHSS after retrieval. That was last week (May 9-15), the next week we tried to keep eating healthy, which mostly worked as I barely gained anything back. Then comes the long weekend... DH & I did do a lot of walking, but we also relaxed our eating rules too (nothing too extreme, but still..). So the weight did creep up a bit. The good thing is that we do go outside much. on Saturday, we went to Lakeshore and while DH and his brother were on roller-blades, my SIL, both nephews and me were walking along lake Ontario. I even got sunburn to prove it. Yesterday (Sunday) it was raining in the morning, but in the afternoon I forced DH to take a walk around the neighbourhood which resulted in a 5.5 km walk. As a reward, we went to the movies afterwards :) Monday, was raining on and off again, but we went for a walk in a park (and didn't get wet) with my SIL and nephews. Our boys (DH & his brother) decided to cycle back from the park and ended up caught in the rain. Overall it was a good long weekend as I had not touch my computer and didn't go to the office. Which meant that today I was pretty busy at work :)
I got a call today from our RE's office. He had a cancellation and our WTF apt was moved from next Monday to tomorrow. Yei!!!
Emotionally, I do feel a bit better, although I still cry sometimes, but not on a daily basis. We tried to catch my Ov this month, but I haven't been diligent enough in taking OPKs and didn't start temping but instead relied on ewcm, which I don't think is a very good indicator. Oh well, just need to rest from all the IF start. DH & I decided that next cycle I'll start to chart with AF and will do OPKs more diligently. I should Ov around day 14-16, but who knows what 2 IVFs did to my body.
On a happier note, my sis is turning 30 at the end of the month, and I love b-days!!! They will be celebrating her actual b-day with a few friends in Las Vegas, I wish we could go too, but when they were booking the trip, we were going through IVF and didn't want to take a chance to fly there pregnant. So now no trip and no baby, I guess the joke is on us... But my BIL is planning a surprise party for my sis at home, and of course, yours truly is very much involved in planing. The guest list as it stands right now is 50 people and tomorrow, I'll have to start calling everyone for a "save the date" call. That's a good distraction from anything IF related.
This month I've decided not to participate in ICLW as I am not in a good place right now emotionally and even though I am happy for my e-friends, it still aches in my heart when I see what could have been me. I know it's not good, but that's the truth right now. I hope to get involved more in blogging when the time comes closer to our FET, but for now will stay content with blogging about my everyday life.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Missing Post
I am so upset. I wrote a long post last Wednesday detailing the events of last week including my birthday party. Then blogger had an issue and was unavailable for a few days, and they removed all the posts from Wednesday on. Now they are saying that all posts are restored, but mine is still missing, and I have no idea how or who to contact for help. I hope that it will be back in the next day or two.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Sad...
I am just so sad tonight... Just want to bang my head against the wall... I get this feeling sometimes after the BFN, at least I remember feeling this way after one of the failed IUI's just want to break something... I think I still cannot comprehend how such a perfect cycle resulted in a BFN... I can't wait for AF to start have my body rid itself of all the hormones that are driving me crazy. Everything and everyone are annoying me today. I am pissed of that when I sent an invitation for 3 p.m. for my b-day on Sunday most of my friends replied that they are going to be late. WTF - I want this day to be about me and if I am too much of an inconvenience then may be I don't really want those people in my life. How rude!!! I have to get up at 5:30 a.m. on Monday (and every weekday, including tomorrow) so I don't want people in my house past 8 p.m. I don't know, just have to calm down and live through the next few weeks until our appointment. It is just hard to continue going like nothing happened. Have so many unfinished blogs but just don't want to bother right now. Going to bed, so hopefully tomorrow will bring AF and more positive thoughts.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Picking Up the Pieces of My Broken Heart
I am sad, I am moody, I am mad, so it's not going to be a happy post.
Yesterday when I got to the clinic there were tons of ladies and I waited for my b/w for about 30 minutes (which is very unusual for them). I guess because I knew what the result would be, the whole atmosphere there was depressing. I was still hoping I only have to come back for another b/w and a couple of u/s.
The call from the nurse came in around 1 p.m. as was expected. The time between noon and 1 p.m. was the worst. I was so anxious and fidgeting that I couldn't concentrate. Since, I already emailed my nurse on Friday with the test result, she started with that there are no surprises and that my Friday test was confirmed with a beta of zero. She told me to stop all the medication and asked if I scheduled an appointment with the RE (which I did, just didn't want to confirm until her call).
I then called DH, my hands were shaking, and even though we kind of expecting this result it was still hard for me not to break down in the office. It was good that his brother was not around when I called so DH also had some time to compose himself until breaking the news to his brother. I emailed my sis and SIL and told them that I want to be left alone. My SIL responded with one email that she was very sorry and if and when I would be ready she was here for me. My sis, on the other hand, bombarded me with emails about asking what she can do, telling me that everything is going to be alright etc. which actually made me feel sadder. I asked my sis to call our parents and she said that they were both shocked and very upset.
At about 6 p.m. while I was still at the office, my cell phone rang, and it was Dr. H. He told me that he was surprised that we had a negative result. He said that he reviewed our file and the embryos that we made were very good and that before our appointment in a few weeks he will be reviewing the DVD of our transfer (apparently they record all procedures!!!) to see if there is anything else he can do to improve the transfer next time around. He said that he was really sorry for the results but that he is optimistic. Needless to say I am shocked. I didn't expect to hear from him. I guess it's true that you get what you pay for, as this clinic is a bit more expensive, but our experiences between the two clinics differ like day and night. Notwithstanding the result, I am very happy that we found Dr. H.
I called my mom on the way home, trying to be cheerful. My mom being a mom said right away that she is coming over and my subtle hints that I don't want to see anyone didn't really work and apparent my sis decided to come over too. When I told DH about that, he was not too happy as he was afraid that they would knock me out of my temporary new found equilibrium. I asked DH how if he told his brother and it turned out that his brother also didn't take it very well (which was expected). Our families were so full of optimism it sucks that we had to make them feel bad.
The evening turned out to be not so bad. I managed to force my DH to walk to the polling station and vote, so we had a nice stroll. My sis came over with a box of chocolate and the four of us (DH, I, sis & mom) almost finished it :). We were watching a competition of parodists on Russian TV and didn't talk about IVF or any baby related staff.
Today was a normal working day for me. DH & I are figuring out a strategy in moving forward and I've been emailing a few people from the same clinic to get the info on FET. We are going to my parents tomorrow to hopefully figure out the plan.
I have no sign of AF not even spotting, even though I had no hormones since yesterday morning. I do have various cramps and I also have shooting sharp pains in my ovaries especially in my right one (which had more follicles) which comes and goes. The pain gets so bad that it shoots into my leg. I actually emailed my nurse about it tonight, so will see what she says tomorrow.
Yesterday when I got to the clinic there were tons of ladies and I waited for my b/w for about 30 minutes (which is very unusual for them). I guess because I knew what the result would be, the whole atmosphere there was depressing. I was still hoping I only have to come back for another b/w and a couple of u/s.
The call from the nurse came in around 1 p.m. as was expected. The time between noon and 1 p.m. was the worst. I was so anxious and fidgeting that I couldn't concentrate. Since, I already emailed my nurse on Friday with the test result, she started with that there are no surprises and that my Friday test was confirmed with a beta of zero. She told me to stop all the medication and asked if I scheduled an appointment with the RE (which I did, just didn't want to confirm until her call).
I then called DH, my hands were shaking, and even though we kind of expecting this result it was still hard for me not to break down in the office. It was good that his brother was not around when I called so DH also had some time to compose himself until breaking the news to his brother. I emailed my sis and SIL and told them that I want to be left alone. My SIL responded with one email that she was very sorry and if and when I would be ready she was here for me. My sis, on the other hand, bombarded me with emails about asking what she can do, telling me that everything is going to be alright etc. which actually made me feel sadder. I asked my sis to call our parents and she said that they were both shocked and very upset.
At about 6 p.m. while I was still at the office, my cell phone rang, and it was Dr. H. He told me that he was surprised that we had a negative result. He said that he reviewed our file and the embryos that we made were very good and that before our appointment in a few weeks he will be reviewing the DVD of our transfer (apparently they record all procedures!!!) to see if there is anything else he can do to improve the transfer next time around. He said that he was really sorry for the results but that he is optimistic. Needless to say I am shocked. I didn't expect to hear from him. I guess it's true that you get what you pay for, as this clinic is a bit more expensive, but our experiences between the two clinics differ like day and night. Notwithstanding the result, I am very happy that we found Dr. H.
I called my mom on the way home, trying to be cheerful. My mom being a mom said right away that she is coming over and my subtle hints that I don't want to see anyone didn't really work and apparent my sis decided to come over too. When I told DH about that, he was not too happy as he was afraid that they would knock me out of my temporary new found equilibrium. I asked DH how if he told his brother and it turned out that his brother also didn't take it very well (which was expected). Our families were so full of optimism it sucks that we had to make them feel bad.
The evening turned out to be not so bad. I managed to force my DH to walk to the polling station and vote, so we had a nice stroll. My sis came over with a box of chocolate and the four of us (DH, I, sis & mom) almost finished it :). We were watching a competition of parodists on Russian TV and didn't talk about IVF or any baby related staff.
Today was a normal working day for me. DH & I are figuring out a strategy in moving forward and I've been emailing a few people from the same clinic to get the info on FET. We are going to my parents tomorrow to hopefully figure out the plan.
I have no sign of AF not even spotting, even though I had no hormones since yesterday morning. I do have various cramps and I also have shooting sharp pains in my ovaries especially in my right one (which had more follicles) which comes and goes. The pain gets so bad that it shoots into my leg. I actually emailed my nurse about it tonight, so will see what she says tomorrow.
Monday, May 2, 2011
14dp5dt - the end of the road for IVF #2
Yep, just got a call that the beta is at 0. Even though I knew that it is coming, it still hurts. I can barely compose myself and keep my tears at bay. DH & I have a lot to discuss. For now I just sent an email to my SIL & SIS and told my SIS to tell our parents. My sis is bombarding me with emails but I am in no mood to talk to her or to anyone about it, even reading her emails of support makes me cry...
Sunday, May 1, 2011
11dp5dt - 13dp5dt
On Friday morning DH & I promised that we are going to keep the news of BFN to ourselves and let our families to be blissfully ignorant over the weekend.
I managed to keep tears back at the office, but the moment DH picked me up from a train and we were alone in the car the tears started flowing again. I was crying on and off pretty much the entire night. We found a an Italian restaurant for out anniversary. The mood was a bit sombre as we are both not taking it that great. We were discussing options that we now have and all the money issues as DH's business is not doing that well. We are both worried about telling our families on Monday as they've been very excited about how good this cycle has been for us. We both feel like we are under a microscope as our families , from good intentions, are very into our lives and we would not be able to do anything without them knowing as our every day lives are so intertwined. My sis and I travel to work every day and DH is in business with his brother. Just feel a bit trapped.
After the restaurant, we went to Baskin Robbins and bought a big ice cream cake and ate almost half while watching TV.
On Saturdays we usually host family breakfast and I was secretly hoping that when we get a BFP on Friday we will let everyone know at the breakfast on Saturday. Luckily I didn't arrange anything, and I definitely didn't want to see anyone. We didn't have breakfast, but it was a trying day. We had to go to my parents' house to finish all our taxes and my sis was there too. I cried on the way there, but managed to compose myself, and even though DH thought that they will tell that something is wrong by looking at my face, I passed with flying colours. Although both my sis and my mom asked if I POASed.
Then was a dinner and theatre show with my BIL and SIL and again both of us had to put a brave face. When they ordered a bottle of wine I wanted a huge glass too, but since I am supposedly pregnant, I was drinking water all evening. The show was hilarious and it took my mind of things just for a bit. After the show we all went to our house and finished the ice cream cake. My SIL also asked how I was feeling and if I POASed.
Today was a bit easier. DH was crazy busy as he had to drive MIL to see a doctor, then the kid to driving school, then me to subway to go to the office, then to my parents' place to finish taxes and then pick up the kid. We got into an argument in the car as I was telling him that it is OK to ask for help when he has so much to do, like asking his brother to pick up the kid as my parents' house is so far away from where he was. I guess our emotions are on high right now as we are waiting for the final verdict tomorrow. The kid had a tryout tonight so DH asked if after he picks me up from the subway I can pick the kid up and he would go to the movies. And with everything he was going through I wanted him to have some time off to unwind with guys. Although, driving in the rain on a highway is not my favourite pass time.
I am a bit torn right now - the realist in my knows that tomorrow beta will just confirm that it is a BFN, but the other half of me is stupidly thinking that may be just may be we get a positive beta on Monday, but it is stupid as it should have shown something by 16dpo. In about 12-14 hours I will have the answer.
DH is now blaming himself for all the pain that we've been going through. He said that he will never ever push me to POAS again. I told him that it was my doing too because if I wouldn't want to I wouldn't do it. Although doing it on a Friday meant that we are both miserable for the entire weekend, and unsure of what Monday will bring. We agreed that it would have been double hard to hear a BFN on Monday at the office, and I told him that some girls actually POAS in the morning of beta so that they can take care of their emotions at home and be ready for that phone call at the office.
I've been playing in my head various scenarios about how we are going to tell our families. I think for this Monday there are only two possible courses of events - (i) the beta is negative, or (ii) the beta is positive but the number is too low. So, DH will get a phone call and the rest of the family will get an email. I will not be able to break their heart and listen to them trying to console me.
I am also seriously thinking of cancelling my birthday party next Sunday. I told DH that and he is against the idea. He thinks that we can survive through it and even if we cancel, everyone would still show up just on a different days and times, so better have it all in one shot. Hopefully the weather is going to be nice and we will have a nice bbq on our backyard. And if I get a BFN tomorrow, I just get really really drunk!!!
I managed to keep tears back at the office, but the moment DH picked me up from a train and we were alone in the car the tears started flowing again. I was crying on and off pretty much the entire night. We found a an Italian restaurant for out anniversary. The mood was a bit sombre as we are both not taking it that great. We were discussing options that we now have and all the money issues as DH's business is not doing that well. We are both worried about telling our families on Monday as they've been very excited about how good this cycle has been for us. We both feel like we are under a microscope as our families , from good intentions, are very into our lives and we would not be able to do anything without them knowing as our every day lives are so intertwined. My sis and I travel to work every day and DH is in business with his brother. Just feel a bit trapped.
After the restaurant, we went to Baskin Robbins and bought a big ice cream cake and ate almost half while watching TV.
On Saturdays we usually host family breakfast and I was secretly hoping that when we get a BFP on Friday we will let everyone know at the breakfast on Saturday. Luckily I didn't arrange anything, and I definitely didn't want to see anyone. We didn't have breakfast, but it was a trying day. We had to go to my parents' house to finish all our taxes and my sis was there too. I cried on the way there, but managed to compose myself, and even though DH thought that they will tell that something is wrong by looking at my face, I passed with flying colours. Although both my sis and my mom asked if I POASed.
Then was a dinner and theatre show with my BIL and SIL and again both of us had to put a brave face. When they ordered a bottle of wine I wanted a huge glass too, but since I am supposedly pregnant, I was drinking water all evening. The show was hilarious and it took my mind of things just for a bit. After the show we all went to our house and finished the ice cream cake. My SIL also asked how I was feeling and if I POASed.
Today was a bit easier. DH was crazy busy as he had to drive MIL to see a doctor, then the kid to driving school, then me to subway to go to the office, then to my parents' place to finish taxes and then pick up the kid. We got into an argument in the car as I was telling him that it is OK to ask for help when he has so much to do, like asking his brother to pick up the kid as my parents' house is so far away from where he was. I guess our emotions are on high right now as we are waiting for the final verdict tomorrow. The kid had a tryout tonight so DH asked if after he picks me up from the subway I can pick the kid up and he would go to the movies. And with everything he was going through I wanted him to have some time off to unwind with guys. Although, driving in the rain on a highway is not my favourite pass time.
I am a bit torn right now - the realist in my knows that tomorrow beta will just confirm that it is a BFN, but the other half of me is stupidly thinking that may be just may be we get a positive beta on Monday, but it is stupid as it should have shown something by 16dpo. In about 12-14 hours I will have the answer.
DH is now blaming himself for all the pain that we've been going through. He said that he will never ever push me to POAS again. I told him that it was my doing too because if I wouldn't want to I wouldn't do it. Although doing it on a Friday meant that we are both miserable for the entire weekend, and unsure of what Monday will bring. We agreed that it would have been double hard to hear a BFN on Monday at the office, and I told him that some girls actually POAS in the morning of beta so that they can take care of their emotions at home and be ready for that phone call at the office.
I've been playing in my head various scenarios about how we are going to tell our families. I think for this Monday there are only two possible courses of events - (i) the beta is negative, or (ii) the beta is positive but the number is too low. So, DH will get a phone call and the rest of the family will get an email. I will not be able to break their heart and listen to them trying to console me.
I am also seriously thinking of cancelling my birthday party next Sunday. I told DH that and he is against the idea. He thinks that we can survive through it and even if we cancel, everyone would still show up just on a different days and times, so better have it all in one shot. Hopefully the weather is going to be nice and we will have a nice bbq on our backyard. And if I get a BFN tomorrow, I just get really really drunk!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)