Numbers, numbers

2 full days are left until I start my stim injections, I am all psyched up that I can do them myself and I am already getting tired of waiting... and it is only a beginning!!! I can totally understand why everybody calls it a "waiting game".
It has only been 20 days since my last AF, and 18 days since I stared BCP, and 2 days since I finished it, oh my!!! once i start stims, who knows how long it will take to get my body and eggs up to speed, and then the dreaded 2ww.
Just have to be patient I guess. :)

Believe...

At some point during our TTC journey, DH and I got involved in studying Kabbalah and it helped immensely in dealing with the stress of TTC and other every day occurrences. Lately, we haven't been spending much time in our studies, but I do receive daily emails with quotes, and today i got one about wanting to have a baby. You would say coincidence - but i know there are no coincidences, interesting...

"When we want something in life one of the best ways to attract it is to show our Creator that we can care for that same thing when it belongs to others. You want a child, take care of someone else’s child; a house, help someone else get a home; want relief from your pain, take away someone else’s pain. Then our Creator will ensure that we’re taken care of." Yehuda Berg

With the Chanukah around the corner, and my sis doing a party for the kids (my niece and my nephews), I was thinking of just doing my own stuff, but I think I should buy some little presents and come over for the party to help out with the kids a bit, since DH and I only see them once a week on the weekend. When going through TTC, I've become resentful towards pregnant woman and woman with little kids. It's hard to see someone having something that you are really longing for, but I should (and somewhat try) to remember the words of our Rabbi who said that G-d is just trying to show me what is coming to me soon, so I should stop feeling jealous and feeling pity for myself, and G-d will take care of me.

Chanukah is a time of miracles, and all we have to do is believe that miracles do happen, and not just in stories or lives of other people, but in our own life too. I will be stimming for 6 out of 8 nights of Chanukah, and I believe that during this process a miracle is going to be created - strong healthy mature eggs, which will then all fertilize and will make me a mommy. This is going to be my Chanukah miracle, and I believe that this is going to happen!!!

Suppression - Check!!!

This morning I had my u/s after 15 days of BCP. I was kind of nervous as I did have symptoms that I usually do during ovulation. But, there was nothing to worry about :) both ovaries were quiet and the lining thin, so I am all set. When DH brought menopur from the pharmacy, I was concerned since there were no syringes. After I was done with the u/s, we were luck enough to be taken by a nurse right away (no waiting!). She brought a box and it had all the neat things for the injections - pamphlets, wipes, special thing to get meds from the bottle, needles, a pouch for needles and a DVD too. So I practice several time mixing the medication, as I will be all by myself doing this at 6 a.m in the morning. I've always thought that the difficult part is poking myself with a needle. Boy was I wrong! Apparently when it comes to the syringes and needles, its like i have two left hands!!! (btw, I am right handed) The nurse was great, she went over the procedure several times with me and made me do it over and over again, until my hands knew what they were doing (sort of). We spent a long time with the nurse, and i felt kind of guilty when we went out and there was a long line up to see the nurse. Ooops!
Then DH and I had breakfast downtown, he dropped me at the office and he went home. I had tons of things to do, but i wasn't feeling so great, i still left pretty late, but i couldn't take it anymore. DH has been sick for some time now, and it is not surprising that I caught something from him too. I have a light fever and caught a bit, but it's just overall feel like crap. So, I just took my last BCP - Yei!!! and I am going to bed.
I told my SIL that its the last BCP that I took today, and that i might not even get AF this time since it has only been about 2 weeks since my last one, to which she replied that she is praying that I will not get another AF for another 9 months. I wish and pray too....

Human Nature?

I was wondering why we always want more and are not content with what we already have? We want more follicles, more eggs to be retrieved, more eggs to be fertilized and then more eggs to be frozen. I don't think we want to have more eggs in, as there should be the limit (I don't really want to be like octo mom - not judging though). But looking at the numbers of eggs that ladies are reporting on the forum, I do feel that I want more, and scared that my body is not going to respond as well to the drugs as it is supposed to. But, what I read and what my brain keeps telling my emotional side that it is quality over quantity. Deep inside though I do want more, I guess it is the human nature, and being a very risk averse individual myself, I would really not be comfortable with putting in less than 2 embies. So those are my thoughts today.

Had a wonderful acupuncture today (as always), and can't wait for an u/s tomorrow (less than 8 hours away now) to confirm that everything is suppressing nicely and we are going to bring in a heavy artillery :) Since, I am not getting much sleep tonight - note to self: don't forget to take drugs with you to the clinic tomorrow!

TGIF!!!

Well, I am thankful its Friday. I am busy at the office and the fact that i spend a lot of time thinking and/or looking at ivf.ca site, doesn't help much :)
DH went to the movies so I spent time with my parents. Apparently they recently watched a Russian program describing how IVF is done (what are the chances???), so I was going over the procedure with them one more time. Plus I had a good dinner there as well :)

When I got home I remember that DH picked up menopur today, so I found a package and started reading the instructions. I was really surprised that I would have to combine two things and i need two vials of menopur (150UI) for each shot, and it completely unnerved me. I do feel sad that I have to do this, and I would likely be too stressed to do it myself. Another surprise was that they did not provide syringes. When I took and Ovidrel shot during one of the IUIs it was a pen. Where am i going to get syringes? Another cash grab? I think I am feeling a bit sad and depressed right now. This whole procedure is such an emotional rollercoaster, even before starting the heavy duty drugs. What kind of mess I am going to be once I start the injections??? I guess DH will be happy to not be in my company :), just kidding, it's not his choice, and there is nothing he can do to stay with me, aside from me going with him (which is also impossible, as its busy at the office plus i would have to do the injection thing God knows where? OK, I guess enough venting for today, I am just going to go downstairs, get my tea and watch the program about IVF that my parents watched (we have a computer connected to TV and watch it on-line).

Boot Camp

I had such a nice boot camp class tonight, such a work out, i loved it (I'll be hurting tomorrow though :) ) But, I only take classes on Wednesdays and Sundays, and next Sunday is my u/s, so I am not going to a class, which means that I only have one more boot camp class left before starting stims on Dec. 3. I am sad... :( I am not a fitness fanatic, its hard for me to get into the gym (which is just downstairs in our basement), and I so love this class. However, I keep telling myself that it’s for a good cause!!! I'll have to try to have some physical activity when I am on stims and thereafter, but I guess, time will only tell.....

Welcome!!!

Just wanted to say Welcome to my 2 followers! Yei, I am growing!!! Though, it's not a popularity contest for me, it's nice to get some feedback, sometimes :).

I posted the link on my ivf.ca profile and signature, but I haven't told any of my friends or relatives (even my sis and SIL do not know). As many people are not even aware of our IF issues, I am thinking that keeping incognito is a good thing for now.

Question: Did you tell your family and friends about your blog?

and I am cold and I am hot.....

Well, I am completely at a loss.... last week I was extremely cold, all the time. So I turned on an electric heater in my office and found a second blanket for my bed. I also went to sauna with my mom on Friday (for the last time in a long time - hopefully ;) ). Fast forward to yesterday, and I get a hot flash, and now I am officially hot - all the time!!! I do get hot flashes between ov and AF, courtesy of being on Clomid a few times. I've read through the list of side effects of BCP and hot flashes were not on the list... oh well...but I started doubting whether BCP actually works for me (as I've never taken it before), and I do get hot flashes after ov, and my breast are tender (TMI :) ). Apparently I have a good chunk of side effects that are listed :) so I am telling myself that those are only side effects of BCP and it is a nappy time "down there" - nice and quite :).

On the other topic, or actually just a different branch of the same topic, today was my 11th BCP (4 more before u/s), time sure flies. And I am realizing that u/s is THIS SUNDAY and I start injections NEXT WEEK Thursday !!! Wow, that's coming up quick! So, of course, minor doubts (or anxiety attacks) if I am ready for this. I think I am, though, I called the clinic to get the dosage of menopur (as they want me to bring it with me on Sunday). So they called back in the afternoon and I am on 150units of menopur a day (its 2 vials, but hoping only one shot). I got a quote for drugs at the clinic and I called around to a recommended pharmacy and Costco pharmacy - and (drum roll please...) Costco wins by $50 (for 10 vials - which should last me 5 days including the day of the next u/s and b/w) The problem is that I supposed to start injections on the 3rd and DH is leaving on the 2nd and only coming back on the 5th (don't even know at what time), so I am doing my injection myself (or with a help of my SIL, haven't decided on that yet - my sis is a whimp when it comes to me and pain). DH was great when I needed an Ovidrel shot for IUI (it was completely painless), so I am pretty upset that he is not going to be here, I've never poked myself with anything. But I guess there is a first time for everything....

Peace....

Saturday, my day was planned by the minute, but at the end of the day, i felt more in peace than I've felt in a long time. I had my first acupuncture for this cycle and the lady is amazing, she makes me feel calm - and that's important. She was showing me pics of "her" ivf babies and that gave me more confidence that its going to work for us too. Plus she said that I am in a much calmer and happier place comparing to where I was in July (when we did our last IUI), she asked me what I do different, and all I could think of (beside stressing due to IVF) is eat tons of stuff that I am not supposed to (i.e. chocolate :) ), well, if it makes me happy may be i should....
So after my acupuncture, I picked up my mom and we went to a classical music concert. Her best friend's daughter was narrating, there were amazing pianist and opera singers (one girl was only 14 y.o. but her strong voice made me shiver). Through the concert, I was like in a trance, it was amazing. I felt so calm and in peace..... It was nice to have this oasis of calmness during the stress of IVF and crazy workload at the office. It's Monday now, but even after a crazy day at the office, inside I still feel in peace, and I am loving it!!!! Now, need to hold on to this feeling for as long as I can, to remain sane :)

Should I just relax???

I took my 6th BCP tonight, and am thinking that there are still 9 more until my next u/s on the 28th, and I am so anxious to get this whole show on the road!

Come to think of it, I've been anxious all my life, anxious to finish school, anxious to finish law school and to find a job, anxious to find the right guy, to get married and to have kids. When our Thailand vacation in September ended with a miserable BFN, I was anxious to see our RE (I went as far as rescheduling our appointment for a week before, to make sure we can go through IVF before our clinic is going to be closed for holidays, then I was anxiously waiting for AF so that i can start BCP (which, of course, showed up late). So when is it going to end? NEVER!!! If I don't change my attitude, I will be anxious to get the drugs, then ER, ET and 2ww, then the 1st, 2nd and 3rd u/s, my baby's birth, brit (if its a boy), first b-day and so on and on and on. But I was thinking that I should just relax and let it be, and enjoy each step of the process, rather than rushing to the next step. I am so preoccupied with IVF that I have no time to think or do anything else. I am surprised that my boss hasn't complained yet that my productivity deteriorated substantially in the past few weeks :) I guess it still doesn't register in my brain that we are finally doing this (we decided that IVF is our last resort - and in my head it is a sure thing (don't know if it’s good or bad)).

This whole experience is making me more emotionally unstable (even before I started taking BCP), I am constantly on the internet, on fertility sites and blogs, I became more sad and cry more. I don't really feel bad about myself or my situation, at least I don't think so. I stopped asking "why me?" question long time ago. I have a loving and supporting DH and both my sis and SIL are very supportive as well together with my mom. But I feel like I am a house of cards, it stands strong until one card is removed and the entire construction collapsed. Same with me... one little thing can completely disturb me for a few days, until I get a courage to gather all my cards and build the house again. Just recently, I was at b-day party for a 4 year old, so everything was going nicely all my nephews, my niece and my 12 y.o. brother were there, so I had my hands full. Then a lady comes in looking slightly pregnant with an infant car seat and a toddler in tow. I turn to my sister and ask whether this lady is expecting her 3rd child, but it turned out she only gave birth 7 days ago. Seeing a 7 day baby completely unnerved me, and i cried all the way to the house. I don't know why it happened by looking at the baby, as I already came to terms with seeing all preg ladies around me. I guess, I just have to try to deal with my emotions, and just relax and enjoy life, and my little miracle will come along (hopefully sooner rather than later).

I am starting a blog!

Well, I decided to start a blog. Why?  I have tons of thoughts and fears in my head and I am going over and over them all the time. I just need to "write it out" to give way to this emotional overload, and I do feel better thereafter.

So, today was the 5th day of BCP.  The headache is gone, so it might have been all in my head, who knows? I do feel emotionally unstable though, and thinking that this is probably not the effect of drugs, but the whole experience of finally going through IVF.

I am thinking, though, how fortunate I am, to have such a loving and caring DH.  He doesn't talk much about this whole experience, but his actions speak louder than words.  It's the first time that I am taking BCP - ever! Which is sooo ironic.  Who would have thought that I will be taking BCP to get pregnant, when I've never taken it to not be pregnant...  But, I digress.  I was told to take BCP every day at the same time, so I set an alarm on my cell phone, but those who know me, know that I don't keep it next to me when I am in the house. So we also set another alarm on DH's phone (he is glued to his iphone all day - and sometimes night). Last night he was actually away at 10 p.m. when the alarm rang on my phone, but he actually made a point of calling and making sure that I took the pill. It's the little things like that make me remember why I love him so much, and why we are doing this for the past 4 years.

I am also trying to get a bit more into shape for the next 2 weeks (or more) before the ER, and just got back from a boot camp.  I am kind of sore right now, but I am afraid to think of what is going to happen tomorrow :).

Well, I better get my beauty sleep right now, and will try to keep this blog going on a daily basis!

Yei!!! Good luck to me!!!