It was bound to happen sooner or later...

It was bound to happen sooner or later, so it finally happened on Saturday night. DH and I were watching a Russian version of Dr. House. There was one doctor’s wife who was pregnant and her baby was not doing good and almost died, and there was another couple who gave birth but their baby died shortly thereafter. And that was the trigger, the tears just started flowing down my chicks as I tried to explain to DH that it is so sad that you try and try and try to get pregnant, and then you carry that baby for 9 months taking care of it and making plans and then that is what might happen. He calmed me down a bit, but then I had pain in my uterus (since I am in the mid of my AF), so the next wave started. I started thinking that I am in so much pain because my uterus is empty, because I couldn’t make my little baby to hang on, and then I just couldn’t take my little embie out of my head, I was thinking about him over and over. He was better than I thought, he was a 5 cell not 3, so why didn’t he continue to grow. DH lost the battle in calming me down this time around. For the first time since BFN I was painfully aware that I was empty inside and it hurt so much (emotionally)… I was just sitting on the floor and wailing … there was nothing that DH could have done to make me stop. He was saying over and over that everything is going to be alright and that we will never ever stop that we will have a baby one day, and I should just calm down as I am ruining my nerves which cannot be restored. He did manage to get me to bed about an hour later, and after such an intensive outburst, I felt asleep almost instantly.

I did feel much better in the morning.

Traditional v. Western Medicine?

First of all, I am still not feeling well. Today, instead of bloating, I have an upset stomach and a wicked headache since this morning. I guess me barely eating for the entire day is the cause of no bloating.

So, we were a bit undecided whether to change clinics or not. The good news is that the apt with the new RE is tomorrow, and I already have my list of questions. Plus I sent him all information that my old RE provided on our failed 5 IUIs and IVF cycles. Both him and his staff responded right away. I am falling in love with this clinic more and more. :)

By the way, some bittersweet news --> I finally had a copy of the embryology report for my little embie, and I guess as I was reading it upside down both times I've seen it (as it was in the hand of my RE), I did mix up the number - it wasn't 3/5 it was actually 5/3 - which means a 5 cell of a grade 3 (with 5 being worst). So, I am a bit happy that DH and I can produce some decent embie, but then I start questioning myself whether there is something wrong with me that the little one didn't stick. The thought does linger in my mind.

But to get back to the theme of today's post. So on top of deciding with which clinic to go, now my parents (from the best of intentions) have added another decision - whether to go through IVF now or to got to an ayurvedic clinic.

You see a few years ago, my dad was supposed to meet with his business partner at an ayurvedic clinic in Hungary. He didn't know much about it and thought that they'll have tons of time to take care of business while doing some therapy sessions. Boy was he wrong! First of all, after running all diagnostics on him, the doctor (who is also a Western medicine doctor)told him that he had a mini stroke (yep, we were all very "happy" to hear that), then he started treatments with oils, massages, saunas, yoga etc. and of course herbs and pretty strict diet. In the week that he was there my dad changed drastically for the better. A year and a half later my mom went and it helped her a lot too.

So my dad contacted the doctor (he did ask our permission) and after reviewing several of DH's b/w and SA, the doctor said that he can help us, but I have to go there for 10 days and DH for 20. It would be nice to go there to get our health in check too, but the earliest that we can go there, realistically, would be in the Spring, plus it will take the sperm at least 3 months to renew, so now we are looking at the end of the Summer for seeing any results and then it is not a fact that we will get pregnant right away even if the sperm count is amazing, since even couples who have no issues take some time to get pregnant. So, that would delay us for a good 6 months, which I don't think I am ready to do. We have been trying for over 4 years now, so even a thought of waiting another year is giving me goosebumps. And there is no point of going there and then going through IVF.

So, DH and I kind of decided to do IVF #2 and if that doesn't work (yep, most of my positivity was buried with my IVF#1) then we would go to Hungary, most likely in the Summer. That's sounds like a plan, right? But try explaining it to my dad, who believes that it would be much better to have a natural child rather than one conceived through ICSI, even though I've been telling him over and over again that there will be nothing artificial in our baby given that it is my egg and DH's sperm and not something synthetically produced. All they need is a bit help to meet each other. Anyways, we are going to my parents tomorrow to discuss this AGAIN, but this time in person and not over the phone, and hopefully come up with a plan.

Yep, never a dull moment!

I am still here, barelly :(

I have been MIA for a while now, but I am soooo tired and exhausted. We have a big reorganization tomorrow, and I've been working very very long hours for the past 4 days (yep, including Sunday). So, there is so much that I wanted to write about, but that would have to wait until the weekend.

But, I have to share amazing news. So yesterday as I was on a train going to the office, my phone rang. Guess who..... my new RE's office. Somebody canceled and we got an earlier apt. - on FRIDAY at 8:30 a.m. I am so excited about it. Can't wait to meet him and see his office. Going to be preparing a bunch of questions for him as I want to be more thorough based so as not to allow a repeat of our last IVF experience.

By the way, I am still bloated. As soon as I eat my lunch in the afternoon (doesn't matter what I eat), I get bloated and am this way until I go to bed. AF is supposed to arrive any day now, but I've heard horror stories about it being delayed after failed IVF cycle, so will see. Praying that it will stay the same.

I am thinking about all of you and reading your blogs, as much as I can. I can't reply to most of the blogger blogs from the office, no clue why, and it is kind of hard to see on a tiny screen on my iphone (and I can only see 2 recent ones as the scroll thingy is missing for some reason). Anyways, got to go to bed now, as wake up call at 5:30 a.m. tomorrow.

What God Meant

I've been a bit behind on my blogging and on my commenting. I am in the office right now, but will try to hit my computer hard when I get home tonight (whenever that might be).

In the meantime, I've been lurking on the ivf site recently and found a beautiful article which brought tears to my eyes, so I wanted to share it with all of you, as we are all on the same road, some are further along and some are just at the beginning, but nevertheless on the road of IF.



What God Meant
Author Unknown

What do I think God meant when He gave me infertility?

I think He meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper.

I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down.

I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols.

I think God meant for us to find a cure for fertility.

No, God never meant for me to not have children.

That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on.

I've been placed on the road less traveled, and like it or not, I'm a better person for it.

Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let Him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God singled me out for special treatment.

I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.

While I would never have chosen infertility, I cannot deny that a fertile woman could ever experience the joy that I know awaits me.

Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own.

And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice, I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when He handed me infertility. I already know."

Panic/Anxiety Attacks

I don't really know if that's what they are called, but I manged to get myself to one yesterday. I didn't have them for a very long time, basically I had them before the wedding, when 3 weeks before the wedding I found out that uhmmm our Rabbi was dying in the hospital, and then that our photographer is sending somebody else instead of him, and that I lost my veil, and the night before the wedding AF showed up (a few days early), and tons of other little organizational things, none of them having to do with me actually wanting to marry my DH, I knew I would marry him 1 month after we started going out, it only took him 4 years to propose :).

And now what caused the feeling that I cannot take a deep breath, feeling like my chest is all constricted and trying to breathe even deeper and getting dizzy and panicky. I started thinking about the second IVF and our dilemma about which clinic to choose. I don't think I trust our RE anymore, I am sooo afraid that even with a bit bigger dose and slightly different mix of meds, it is still not enough, and that the fellows who do u/s would not catch it in time to do something about it. I feel like I blindly trusted my RE with my first IVF and she broke that trust by understimulating me. BUT If we go to a new RE would it be like trying for the first time again? Would he be guessing as well? All I want is to get a decent number of follicles and a decent number of eggs and embies - oh, and of course a baby (or two). Nobody can guarantee that.

I was so confident getting into the first IVF never even considering that it might not work, and now I am scared. What if... What if it doesn't work AGAIN what are we going to do? Try and try again... I was so ready to dive into the 2nd IVF as soon as I got a BFN but this waiting game is playing tricks with my mind and my confidence in this IVF ever succeeding. It feels that this always searching, trying, hoping for a baby is the status quo and would remain this way. It has been so long now, as we are going into our 5th year of trying. Our friends and everybody we know are getting pregnant, giving birth, getting pregnant again and giving birth to their second children, they talk about day cares, schools, changing the nursery to a toddler room, and we are still at square one - a family of 2.

My BIL called today, and asked if we can find a space to put a crib, a chest and a changing table as their kids are now outgrown this furniture, and it is bad luck to keep it in our house (and I am superstitious too). Both DH's brother and my sis are waiting (somewhat impatiently) for us to have kids so that they can unload tones of boxes and drawers full of baby staff that they've been storing for years now, and it is just not happening. We don't store anything for our future baby in our house, but if you come into our house you would think that we have a kid or two, as it is full of toys which our nephews and niece have brought over for the last couple of years, we even have four little plastic chairs for them so that they can sit down and watch TV. We love them, but when they leave the house is quiet again. All I want is to have baby sounds in my house too, the cries, the laughter, to have somebody call me "mommy" and come to me to make all the things better. All I want is a baby....please.

Welcome ICLW!!!

Welcome everyone who found their way to my little blog.

It's my second time participating, and I am again very excited!

So, to make it easy, I'll just tell a bit about myself here.

DH and I have been married since August 2006 (after being together for 5 years).
We have been TTC for over 4 years now (since December 2006) and I have never been pregnant.
2 years ago we were diagnosed with MFI (male factor infertility).
After 5IUIs and a surgery for DH we decided to proceed with IVF.
Our first IVF in December last year was a disaster (understimulated, threat of cancellation, only one poor quality embie), and as expected, ended in BFN.
We are considering the second IVF probably in March and are pondering whether to change the clinics.

So that's where we are right now.

All your comments, thoughts and questions are always welcomed and appreciated, so stop by to say "hi" often!

I am bursting!!!

I have been soooo bloated for the past few days (or almost a week), it gets worse in the afternoon and I feel like the buttons on my dress pants are going to burst! I also have cramping, so basically feeling like I did just before ER. In addition, it also hurts to do high impact aerobic movements, like running and jumping. So today decided to take it easy. I don't know if this is lingering effect of stim medication, although, even my RE admitted that I was understimulated. I wish I could just go for an u/s and see what's going on. It would totally suck if I now have more than one follicle (without any meds) and after we paid 12K I only got 4. As you can see I am still not over my anger about the failed cycle. My AF is not due for another week, and I've been told that the first cycle after IVF is longer than usual. I am so afraid of my cycle being irregular due to IVF (it was pretty regular), oh well... I think I starting to slowly enjoy not doing much about IVF. We are getting together some documents for the next cycle. I can't update my b/w now, as I need to do it on CD 2-3, so still a week away. Apt with the new RE is not until March, I scheduled a physical with my new GP and it is still 1.5 weeks away. So, just hanging, didn't make a decision yet about clinic and for some reason don't want to think about it now.

Tomorrow is Friday - TGIF and beginning of ICLW - both of those make me somewhat happy!

Don't feel like it....

It is strange, but for the last couple of days, I just don't feel like writing a blog. I don't really know why, because once I start, I do enjoy putting all my thoughts "on paper". I have wanted to start doing more to take care of my weight problem, but it is getting very hard to stop myself from eating and getting my butt to exercise. Yes, on top of being cold (see my previous post) I am also hungry all the time. BUT, I don't feel like exercising, and generally don't feel like doing anything once I get home, mind you, I do get home around 8:30p.m. if I am lucky. Sorry, this turned out to be another bitching post, and I had so many ideas for writing a few entries, but I guess I'll keep them for later, as right now I just don't feel like it. My brain is foggy (and I might be getting a cold or something), so I am going to get up now, get changed (yes, I am still in my dress pants and shirt), and do 10 min boot camp video. If I feel like it, I'll update this blog tonight and tell you if I actually got my fat butt out of the chair or did what I usually do in the evenings - go an pilfer the refrigerator. :(

****UPDATE*****
Yep, I've done 10 minute boot camp workout AND 15 min running on a treadmill (for the first time in a very very very long time !!! If only I could do it every day...

Plus, I think I figured out whats happening with me - after the worst AF in my life (following the disaster of the IVF#1), I am having the worst PMS (although, my AF tracker app says that I have 10 days left until my next AF), whatever....

one month ago...

One month ago today we were having our ET procedure. We were still full of hope that our little embie would hang on and make it during the following two weeks. I just realized that if he would have hang on, we would have been able to see him by now and probably hear his heartbeat. (for some reason I believe it was a boy)

Instead, we are left with nothing - just feeling of failure... It doesn't help that we are in our 5th year of trying, 5th!!!! Our baby could have celebrated his or her 3rd birthday by now. My YOUNGER sis' kids will be turning 4 and 2 this year, I love them to pieces but so wish they could have been my own.

Plus, it is sooo freaking cold, it was -26C this morning when our train was late and in order to get a seat on a GO Train we had to stand in line (my sis and I were first in line) on the platform and freeze! My eyelids were cold (and believe me that's never happened before). I love to be outside, but this winter there were days when DH and I would not leave the house. I am also pissed because I am always cold in the winter. I wear layers of clothing, I have an additional personal heater in the office, plus a thick pashmina, so that I can keep my hands warm and get some drafting done.

My only saving grace was our annual trip to Caribbean every year in February, it made the winter so much more bearable. But not this year, we had to cancel it as (a) if I would have been pregnant (which we were sure I would be) we didn't want me flying in the first trimester, and (b) even though I am not pregnant, we have to save money for the stupid second attempt at IVF. It just SUCKS!!! I always thought that I would miss winter if we would move somewhere where it is warm all the time (not crazy warm - as I don't like hot temperatures either), but somehow this winter I just want to move somewhere South closer to the Equator..... just dreaming, as we would not leave all of our families and extended families here in Canada. Oh, well.... getting to bed, hopefully it will warm up tomorrow (a girl can hope...).

Did you miss me?

I just noticed that I haven't posted any thing since Wednesday, and it is so not like me :).

In my defence, after working only 3 hours on Tuesday, both Thursday and Friday were just crazy at the office. So no energy was left to get back to the computer once I was home. Well, the good thing that we did BDed on Friday (so really crossing my fingers). Plus, I've read in a few books, that to increase the sperm count the guy has to get in the mood and up to but not come (a few times before the actual time for BD). I was too chicken to try it before any of our IUIs and definitely not before the IVF, so I told DH about it and we decided to try it this time around. I was thinking that if he goes a bit too far, nothing big will happen. We went ahead and did it on Wednesday - tell you it was an interesting experience.... but we did it :). So will see how it goes.

I have also signed up for fitness classes (my SIL and I bought 20 classes for $20), I used about 7 before IVF, and want to use the rest of them before IVF in March (they'll expire in April). So, today's class was gravity hybrid circuits, and I loved it. They have two classes one from 9:30a.m. (which is early for me) and the second one from 10:30a.m - and the first one was all full and at the second one there were just two people - me and my SIL, HA!! We had our own private class. So, I registered for all Saturdays until February 26. And I feel so great, my legs, abs and arms are hurting (I'll probably would not be able to move my body tomorrow :). A thought did enter my mind - what if I did get pregnant now, may be I should take it easy and not do much exercising between ov and AF. BUT I've been playing it safe for 4 years, so decided to just concentrate on my physical well being - and continue with all my exercise, and if I get pregnant and it is confirmed by HPT, then I'll take it easy. So that's the plan!

I'm sorry if my post a bit incoherent, as I've been listening to Ace of Base as I was writing it, I just LOVE, LOVE, LOVE all of their songs. and I loved them since I was a teen, since before I moved to Canada. So, found a string of videos on youtube, and am indulging myself. I deserved it today (after morning at the class, afternoon watching a hockey game where the teen who lives with us was playing, and now back into our nice warm house!!)

And just one more thing that I have to share with all of you. I wanted to post it on Friday, but instead I went to my parents and played Wii with my brother for 2 hours :) So you'll get it today. Enjoy!

Hopes Springs Eternal

How stupid can I be? After over 4 years of trying (about 49 cycles), after 5 failed IUIs and 1 failed IVF, I still have a lingering hope that we can get pregnant naturally. Why do I set myself for disappointment and heartbreak AGAIN? Before IVF, I cried pretty much every time I would get AF...

I am not sure how IVF affected my cycle, but based on my old cycle, I supposed to ovulate in the next several days. I've been very bloated and crampy (feeling pretty much the same as before ER), I don't know if those injections are still affecting my body - but it sure feels this way. DH and I have already BDed several times, but we have to time it a bit to make sure that we gather the best of the little swimmers, so the next one is on Friday (when according to my calculations I should ovulate). So, once again, I am planning I am hoping, thinking that "may be....". Although, it would be soooo cool to get pregnant the old fashion way. I live by the proverb "Hopes Spring Eternal" or if you translate the similar one from Russian it says "hope dies last", yep. The story of my life. I am an optimist (although sometimes I tend to forget about it).

All I need now is one little miracle!!! Please pray for me...

Not my normal day

I am feeling a bit down again, and lazy, so lazy that I didn't even type a post yesterday. Just spent the evening vegetating in front of the TV again yesterday. I wasn't commenting much either. My ivf.ca forum for November/December IVF turned into pregnancy discussions and I feel a bit resentful and self-pity, so I decided to skip it for now.

Today turned out to be a very stressful day. It started last night, when my sis called me and told me that her husband's grandmother passed away. The fact is that she's been with her DH for over 12 years now, and we are very close to his family. They were there when my FIL passed away almost 6 years ago.

In Jewish tradition when a person passes away he or she should be buried within 24 hours, unless it is Shabbat. So I knew that the funeral is going to be today. I couldn't sleep, as I was trying to figure out how to plan my day. This morning at 9 we had a follow-up appointment at Mt. Sinai (better known as WTF happened appointment), then I was planning to stop by Hannam Centre to get one blood test out of the way. And I had to get to the office at some point, either before or after the funeral. So, it ended up that I went to the office before as the funeral was scheduled for 2 p.m. and since I had to leave by 1 p.m. and it was around 10am when we were done at Mt. Sinai, I just went straight to the office and skipped Hannam. I'll go there at lunch one day, but I wanted for DH to see that clinic too.

At our appointment, Dr. G acknowledged that we were disappointed, but didn't really say want went wrong. She said that she did give me a small amount of medication due to my young age and the tons of follicles that I had as she did not want to overstimulate. She also said that for the first 6 days they were growing pretty slowly (at which point I was thinking, so why the hell didn't they raise the amount of medication - but i kept my cool - what's the point to argue anyways). She recommended that for the next cycle we don't do BCP (as to not suppress the ovaries, plus I have a regular cycle so that's not a problem), she said we can start again in March. She set the dose at 75IU Menopur plus some other drug, and after I told her that I had a reaction to cetrotide, she switched it to another drug as well. But, I still don't know if I want to do another cycle at Mt. Sinai (unless we can get some funding). I also saw a fellow that did both my retrieval and transfer, and she just passed by - yep, too many patients to remember. I don't know....

The funeral was uneventful - it was very called, so thank G-d, I put pantyhose under my pants and a tank top under my sweater. The only problem - my toes and fingers got frozen. My BIL's grandfather passed away 3 days after my FIL, so they are buried very close together, so today my BIL's grandmother was buried next to her husband, so DH and I went to visit his dad too. I became very emotional as it reminded me of my FIL's funeral almost 6 years ago. How sad. When I got home, I was just tired from not sleeping well, so I had a nap, and thereafter decided to undecorate the christmas tree.

I actually took down all decorations in the house too, and DH moved the tree outside. The house is slowly starting to look normal again. The cleaning lady coming this Saturday (can't wait), so it will be back to normal. The holidays are gone, and hopefully it will take all the bad staff with it. I cannot comprehend how it is possible that after this IVF we have nothing! nothing! I was sooooo sure that we will either have a baby or some frozen embryos, I couldn't even fathom that I would not have anything. Now, I am afraid - what if the 2nd IVF doesn't work, what are we going to do?!? There was a discussion on one of the forums about setting limits on how many IVFs to do. and I like most girls am not able to do it, but what would it take for me to have a baby? My optimism is escaping me today, I guess all I need to do, is read a bit and get my sulking self to bed.

Cats and kittens

I am not going to lie, I am a cat person. I am ok with dogs, but I love cats much more. When I was little I had a male cat and his name was fluffy (if you translate it into English). He was an amazing cat, I could do whatever I wanted with him, and when he died at the age of 3, it was very hard to get over. He was the first living thing I've lost in my life and I cried for months for him (I was 12 years old). When we immigrated to Canada, my sis managed to convince my parents to get a cat (since it is less trouble than dog) and we got a female kitten. She would always sleep in my bed in my legs, and once DH started staying at my house, she would be jealous and would try to push him off :) she would also get up at around 5 am and would start crying so that we open the door to let her out. Oh, how he hated that. She went for a walk one day and never came back, and DH was there to help me through that loss. Since then, I really wanted to have another kitten. My parents had a dog that we brought from Europe so they didn't want anybody else (the dog passed away 2 years ago he was 17 years old)- so my parents do not want another pet (they have fish!). DH and I have been living in our house for over 3 years and I still cannot convince him to get a kitten, and now we have a teen living with us (long story) and he is allergic to cats, so we definitely cannot have one for another 1.5 years. hmmmm. Why am I telling you this? Because, I finally got around to open another gift left over from the New Years that my aunt and uncle gave me - I knew it was a calendar (my sis got an identical one, but hers had destinations on it), and surprise surpirse - mine has cats and kittens - it is sooo adorable, I love it!!! So I have almost 365 pictures of cats and kittens in my house!!! I'll tell you, I felt a bit jealous reading blogs about how cats helped their owners to alleviate pain (both physical and emotional)during the IVF. Oh, well, hopefully I'll have a baby soon, so I will have someone to keep me occupied :) and after that, hopefully be able to convince DH that kids need a pet!

iPhone 4

I got an iPhone 4!!! Well, it was supposed to be a NewYears present from DH, but we've never got around to it, so last night he bought me one. Yei!!! and it's sooo cool. I was playing with his for awhile. My sis, SIL and BIL all have one, and love it. I was hoping blogger would have a nice mobile version to see the dashboard and all your posts, but I can do it through safari - which is a bit painful. If blogger has a mobile version, I can't find it. It's OK, I can send my posts by email, but I prefer to type them up on my PC instead, as the keyboard is much better (and I type with amazing speed - thanks to grade 10 typing! - the most useful course ever in high school!!!). So, I am in a good mood.

Plus, I've done my first 30 min cardio since after IVF, and that helped to improve my mood too, and I figured out how I can connect my iPhone to a TV in the basement to see exercise videos from sparkpeople, so I will start the 4 week boot camp challenge tomorrow. Now we are going to my parents to help them set up Wii, its for my brother (who is 12), but also I want both my parents on it since both of them are overweight (if not obese!).

All in all a great day today!!! I am sending all of you some positive energy!!! Enjoy the weekend!!!

fertility etiquett

I want to thank Krista and Lori B. for posting the article about fertility etiquette. It is funny how we all are in sync with each other. I had an idea for the post which I've been mulling around in my head for some time now, and it is somewhat related to the article that was posted. I've forwarded this article to my sis and SIL, and sis responded: "Wow! I guess everything we do is wrong." Not everything, but it does get to me sometimes. Since I haven't told my friends or my sis or SIL about this blog (this blog is my safe heaven!), there is no point for me to post it here (although, if anyone else wants to read it, I trust Krista or Lori B. would welcome you on their blog).

My sis is a very outgoing person and an extrovert (vs. me who is more shy and a bit introverted)and I do love her and her DH to pieces. They tried for 6 months for the 1st baby and one time for the second (yes, they BDed 1 time, and yours truly actually calculated when they should BD, so I was very happy when she told me she was pregnant - I was the 1st to know, even before my BIL, and was proud in taking a part in it). So she has absolutely no clue on what it feels like to try for years with no results. I am happy that she got the article, as after 2 years of trying when we were not ready for IVF, she was constantly pushing to us to do IVF. And after the fiasco with the first IVF, I guess she and my BIL didn't know how to react (although everybody were very upset).

The day we found out for sure, they asked us to come by their house and spend time with them. My BIL just hugged me a bit longer and kissed my head, and without him saying this I understood that he is sorry and would do anything for us. I've known him longer than I have known my DH. He was a shoulder to cry on for both my sis and me when our mom went into a very early labour (at 27 weeks) and he spent a night at our house consoling both of us. At one Shabbat dinner that we had at their house (before the IVF) they were lighting candles and saying prayers and he asked God for a baby for us, he was so genuine that I almost cried.

But going back to my sis and the day of our bad news - she was trying to make us feel better, we were talking about this and that, and then jokingly she said that she and my SIL were deciding which one of them is going to carry our baby. She repeated it again when our DHs joined the conversation. and that statement hurt me, I told her that there is nothing wrong with me, and the problem is not that I cannot carry a child, but that DH's sperms cannot get to my eggs! That statement really stuck with me, I was quick to rebut her presumption that the problem is with me, too quick. I was thinking later why I had such a reaction, and it made me realize that I am afraid that since we've never gotten to the point of me being pregnant may be on top of DH's problems there are problems with me, and I am more sensitive to the comments regarding me being a problem (although, I have never ever ever blaimed DH for our IF struggles).

I remember in grade 11 or 12 English we had a very peculiar teacher, and I don't remember what we were reading, but he was saying that people make a big deal of issues that they are struggling with. So, if somebody jokingly calls me stupid, I would not be offended, as I know that after graduating from law school at 23 (being the youngest in my year) I think I do have some brains, but try to make a joke about my weight, and I will bite your head off (I've been struggling with weight pretty much all my life). So, my conclusion is that I am insecure about our infertility struggle and am afraid that once we overcome DH's problems we will have other ones with me. I keep telling myself to look around at people who did struggle and now have healthy babies and healthy pregnancies, but it does feel that this constant struggle to get pregnant is now a status quo and are going to continue like this forever. I guess I am depressing myself again. :(

The only good news is that today is Friday!!! and I can really use some sleep this Saturday as this week has been crazy busy at the office (and today is not an exception).

blog commenting and some thoughts

I feel like I have a bipolar disorder or something (not sure if I am using the right term). I am sad one day and happy the other. Well, today I am sad! I guess because I am very tired. Had a long day at the office yesterday, and when I get tired I get upset very easily and cry for no reason. So here we are, today is not a very positive blog, just filled with my doubts. Plus, I think I have a lingering cold, my throat hurts a bit and my ears hurt and are popping too (and my ears usually don't hurt when I have a cold), and because of that I feel a bit dizzy all the time. Yep, that's me whining.

I found that I am addicted to blogging. I've been keeping it up to date with at least one blog per day, and I haven't run out of things to say (as my head is filled with thoughts, doubts, questions, comments etc.), and I usually write a few blog entries as soon as I have a thought in my head, so I can stop thinking about it - like a therapy. I am happy that 6 people decided to publicly acknowledge that they are interested in what is going on with my life. Every time I get an email that I have a comment posted on my blog, it's like opening a little present for me.  So, why do I feel most of the times that my opinion doesn't matter much? I guess when I see a blog where there are already 18 comments, does the writer really want to hear another "congratulation" or "so sorry to hear your bad new". It sucks that for some reason I cannot leave comments from my office computer, so all of the commenting has to wait until the evening. I do tend to leave more comments for people who I am more familiar with (like you) and if I have something to say, but I follow a few more blogs and constantly find second-guessing myself whether the writer really wants to hear from me (mostly after ICLW is over). I guess I do have a low self esteem...  What are you thoughts on blog commenting?

busy bee

I've been very busy emailing back and forth with the new clinic and completing all sorts of forms and questionnaires. The RE responded himself to an email I sent him and copied his staff for different issues. I am SO excited and looking forward to this new experience.

My mantra right now: new year, new clinic, new baby!!!

The only little disappointment is that this RE can only see us on March 9 (although I was assured that we are put on his cancellation list, and he does have some cancellations), but I was hoping to do a cycle in March and to hopefully have a baby in 2011.

I am fortunate that with time my memory does not regain bad memories. Looking back at IVF #1, I will tell you that overall it wasn't a bad experience in terms of physical pain, and I am already looking forward to this new cycle. I know it's going to be different drugs for sure, as the new RE (from a little synopsis that I provided to him of my story) thinks that my low response might have been due to cetrotide, which might be true as all hell broke loose after 2 shots of cetrotide. So, I am being optimistic that next time around we will have lots and lots of eggs.

For now, both DH and I are impressed by the new RE and his office's efficiency. I have almost 20 emails going back and forth.

I also rescheduled an apt with my current RE to next Tuesday. We just want to know what she thinks happened. I don't think that we will continue with Mt. Sinai, but we will make a definitive decision after that appointment.

I do feel optimistic today, and being a busy bee really helps!

Oh Christmas Tree!

Looking back at when I was decorating our Christmas Tree, I was so happy and hopeful. I remember thinking that next year I'll have little someone to decorate the tree with me. I've always loved Christmas trees. We would usually put it up right after Christmas and keep it until the old New Year(January 13th). It always brings happy emotions in me, but not this year. I was surprised when on the 1st of January, I had an urge to take down all the decorations, right then, and I still want to do it. The problem is that we only have Christmas tree pick up next week, and until then it has to be in water, otherwise our entire garage will be filled with needles. I started to analyze my reaction to the Christmas tree that I loved just a week earlier, but I think now it just serves as a painful reminder of what happened on the eve of one of my most favourite holidays. I am still doing much better than I expected (at least not showing it), but now I start to wonder whether the hurt is just too deep inside me. I am not happy and feel depressed and unsatisfied. It is hard to concentrate on anything, including work. I started obsessing about finding a new clinic and new RE and getting on with IVF#2. IVF#1 physically was a walk in the park for me - but emotionally, I think I am more scarred then I let myself know. In the past couple of days the tears are back. I cry in the evening and in bed before falling asleep. That's the time when I am tired and the most vulnerable. It is hard to let go of those crashed hopes...

I wonder when the tone of my posts would be less bitter and more hopeful. I want to feel airy, bubbly and happy. I also want to see everything in colour again not just shades of gray and unseasonably warm but gloomy weather is not helping much.

Adding Insult to Injury

Caution: this post will have TMI!!!

It is day 4 of AF and it is still raging like crazy. It is one of the worst AFs in my life. I usually have it heavy on the first day, then it slows down on day two, almost stops on day 3, and then spotting day 4 and 5. Well, today is day 4 and it is still pretty heavy and chunky (without stopping for a breather on day 3). I guess it was supposed to be a very cozy place for my little embie, as I overheard the doctor saying that my lining was perfect. Yep, too bad it all went to waste! I have also been in pain pretty much for the entire time, but I am holding strong on not taking any medication!

In addition, I am up 2 kg :( I do feel sorry for myself, and that's were the food comes in. I figured myself out, unlike most people, I lose my appetite when I am stressed, but when I am in pain (emotional and/or physical), I start feeling sorry for myself and allow myself the little pleasures of eating chocolates, ice cream and pastry (not the best of foods). And I am not a thin person to begin with. To tell you the truth I am overweight - well, if you look at my BMI, I am on the fence between overweight and "obese" - the word that makes me shiver as I am typing this - unfortunately it is more on obese side of the fence. So, additional kgs are not really helping!

Today, I am starting eating healthy (thanks to sparkpeople.ca) and trying to get more exercise in. I decided to wait a month from ER before starting more vigorous bootcamp exercises. Hopefully AF would subside soon, and I'll feel like a normal human being again.

Changing clinics???

I seem to be losing faith in Mt. Sinai... We were a bit taken aback with our doctor when she was pushing IVF during our initial appointment (without even telling us about IUI). We were both not ready emotionally for such a procedure at that time, and there were other options, including DHs surgery and IUI. Fast forward 1.5 years, and we still had some doubts about the clinic, as there was a feeling that someone screw up during one of our IUIs that was initially turning out to be like a perfect cycle. During our initial appointment re IVF, we were told that based on our test we are perfect candidates for an IVF with ICSI, at that point in the conversation the debate about single vs. two embryos transfer ensued. It turned out that the doctor is a great proponent of a single embryo transfer, and she was telling us about having many frozen embryos after the first cycle which we can later transfer at the fraction of the cost. So that was the prediction... the result - barely 4 follicles, 3 eggs, 2 mature, 1 fertilized - one 3 cell lowest grade embryo transferred on day 3. And during the whole process no one asked for our input. If I would have known what I know right now, I would have asked many more questions during the whole procedure. I know that the amount of medication prescribed to me was very very low. Since I had ovarian reserve count at 30, she was probably afraid of OHSS, but EVERYBODY who we talked to at ER and ET stages at the clinic had over 15 eggs, which begs the question, were we supposed to be consulted and given options with respect to the medication dosage, since going through an IVF cycle is hard physically, emotionally and not the least, financially? I was also concerned that the medication was not adjusted during the monitoring, and all decisions were made by fellows who were doing the u/s, and not by my RE. From what I understand, she only got involved when there was a threat of cancellation - and there is nothing they could have done at that point, my estrogen was rising, so more follicles were developing. I don't know why they decided to trigger when they did, instead of may be waiting for another day for others to catch up (as was mentioned at some point by a fellow). I also understand that Mt. Sinai is a teaching hospital, but with me only having 4 follicles, why was it a fellow doing ER? I am not blaming anybody, but could it have been that one egg was just lost or not collected. And I know that fertilization rate for ICSI is 75% and if out of 3 only 2 were mature, why only 1 fertilized and was of such a poor quality. I know, this rationalizing and blaming is probably part of my healing process, getting over the loss of my little embie who probably was transferred just because there was nothing else left. I am upset about the whole experience, and cannot call it by any other name but a TOTAL DISASTER! The cycle that was almost guaranteed to leave us with baby and a few frozen embies, left us with nothing - just 10K hole in the pocket. I actually liked all the nursing staff at Mt. Sinai they were great and very compassionate. I just think that may be it's too big and too institutionalized and not catered enough to deal with something that goes wrong during a planned cycle. I don't know.... I hate change, I really do and it's hard to know whether what we will get will be better or not. Although a few people I talked to do tell me that efficiency wise Mt. Sinai is at the bottom of their lists, especially during monitoring. Yes, it did suck waiting for an hour for an u/s and seeing people who were 30-60 minutes late taken first as they were first on the list. It also sucked waiting for 30-60 minutes to talk to a nurse, sometimes just to get a prescription. It did bother me somewhat when after allowing over an hour for b/w and u/s, I still had to make up excuses why I was coming in to the office later than usual, but I was prepared to let it go, if I didn't feel being let down by my doctor. May be it is still hormones from drugs and now AF, which is in full force for the third day (and me in a lot of pain and cramping), and that's why I feel like blaming someone, but can I trust them to do better the second time? Is it going to be better the second time around? DH and I are going to discuss it in more detail today and do some research on the other clinics that came highly recommended in Downtown Toronto, and start acting on Monday/Tuesday, as I want to have another cycle as soon as possible. I am soooo ready. We haven't decided yet whether or not we will be going to our follow up appointment with our current RE. Probably we will, but without committing to another cycle with the clinic.

the 1st day of 2011

The New Years Eve did go according to plan (well, mostly). We ended up leaving the dancing at the restaurant at around 2:30 a.m. as my SIL and BIL had to go home as their children were to get up early the next morning (and they were driving all of us), so after that we decided to visit our friends and actually got home around 4:30 a.m and to bed by 5:00 a.m. - in my view this New Years was a success!

Now for much sadder part... Sometime in between decorating the house, watching all the kids meet Santa and his granddaughter and helping the kids with songs, riddles and games, I realized that I was still thinking that by the next New Years I am going to have a 3 month old baby. Even though we did get a BFN, my mind just continued this life which I lived during 2ww - that I am pregnant and there will be a baby, that my little 3 cell grade 5 embie will pull through. I don't think I completely let go of that "life", but I did have to go upstairs a few times during the evening just to pull myself together. Nobody noticed anything. But, when DH and I were alone on a couch, he hugged me and I quietly sobbed on his chest, in his big strong embrace. I couldn't say a toast to say good bye to 2010, as the moment I opened my mouth, my eyes started watering - and there were a few people who don't know what's going on, so the rest of my family just took over. They were sooo sweet. My cousin, who immigrated to Canada in the summer, told us that last New Years eve, she and her DH made a wish, wrote it on a piece of paper, burned it and drank it with their champagne when the clock was striking midnight. So, we all tried to do that - the paper was too thick, it didn't burn properly, so we all were chewing those pieces of paper. You all know what my wish was, but that was also the wish of my entire family, they all ate those stupid pieces of paper just to make sure that we have a better chance in our wish, and I am so grateful to all of them. Nobody brought up the IF and IVF topic though, except for my MIL, she had to mention it just before she was leaving - she had good intention, but that brought me to tears, when there were other people around, which I wasn't that happy about.

Anyways, I guess I am slowly coming to terms with the BFN and failure of our first IVF. AF is in full force and I am in a lot of pain. I usually just pop an Advil in and it all gets better, but after having so much medication in my body for the past month, I am giving it a rest and suffering silently (well not that silent as DH hears a lot about my cramping) plus I got a magic bag that is heating in the microwave right now, and that helps too (both for my kidneys that hurt and cramping). Everybody came back for breakfast at 10 a.m., and now we are just vegetating in front of TV watching all New Years programming from Russia. We might go out tonight to visit our friends, but don't know yet. Just taking it easy and hoping that all the heartbreaks and sorrows were left in 2010.