I am NOT watching any more TV!!!

It's not like I watch TV regularly, I rarely do, as I work long hours, but today decided to relax a bit in front of the TV as DH needed to step out for a bit. I was flipping channels and stopped on TLC - Cake Boss - amazing, I love Ace of Cakes and Cake Boss is the same idea - it should be about CAKES!!!. Well, what do you know, the entire episode was about BIRTH - his wife was very very pregnant and gave birth (they actually showed her in labour and during her giving birth) to a baby boy on Valentine's Day - and it's his 4th kid. Hmmm. Of course, I've been bawling with tears streaming down my chicks through the entire episode (I should have turned it off, but that's an after-thought), and it took some time for me to finally calm down by the time DH came home. I thought I was over this type of behaviour a long time ago, but I guess I am still fragile. I was asking myself why I was crying, and at least I am happy to say that it was not because I felt sorry for myself and I am trying to be honest. But I started thinking how my family would be happy when I give birth, how my SIS will be calling everyone with the announcement, who would come to the hospital etc. etc. Oh, well, better get to bed and remember that even food shows are not as innocent as they seem. I guess that's life of an infertile couple....

Jinx It

I wrote before about me being happy and hopeful again after the first IVF, and in the past couple of days I actually catch myself thinking that yes, this is it! It is going to work! and I feel happy. Even though it is gloomy and snowy/rainy outside, I feel like my sky is clear and blue. And by the way, BDing still continues to be wonderful - it feels like we are dating again ;)

When we were on vacation, DH and I were talking about having our baby(or babies) first b-day at a Caribbean resort, and we were actually planning a road trip with the baby (or babies) from Canada down to Florida when I will be on my mat leave as we would not have to worry about taking time off and could spend more time on a trip and exploring little towns along the coast. We would actually love to take the trip along the Pacific coast too, but that will have us flying all the way to Vancouver and then renting a car. But, these are just thoughts - happy thoughts! (my SIL said that we are crazy even thinking about it, baby would not enjoy a car trip and we would have to take tons of baby food to Caribbean blah blah blah, but we are not listening as we are in our happy place now :) )

Then from time to time the thought creeps in, am I jinxing myself by thinking like this IVF is a done deal (before it even started)? I really hope not! It is like a very fine balancing act - I should be positive, but not too positive to jinx myself. I think I am confused!!! I am thinking, is it possible to jinx yourself by being happy with starting IVF, or with an amount of follicles? We were doing great at the start of IVF#1, with great odds, great AFC, and great number of follicles developing and I was happy about it, so did I jinx myself? I am hoping that it just wasn't my time yet to have a baby, and my little angel just went to a different couple instead.

We all know that getting a BFP is only winning half of the battle, carrying the baby to term is another. For now I am really concentrating on finally getting to see the 2 lines for the first time in my life!!! I am a bit worried about the second part, but if I look around - my sis has 2 kids (no mc), my SIL has 2 kids (no mc), out of all of my friends and relatives who have kids only 1 had a mc. So why should I be any different? I will get my BFP and I will carry the baby(or babies) to term. PERIOD (not the bad kind). That's my thinking and I am trying to stick to it for as long as I can!

Happy International Women's Day!!!

Today is the International Women's Day!!!

I know it is not celebrated (or known) much in Canada and USA, but for those of us who came from across the ocean it is still an important day and occasion. I reminded DH to buy flower for my mom (he does it every year). So he did, but he also bought a bouquet for me (awwwwwww), so I made a photo. In the front is my bouquet and at the back are flowers for both moms - my mom and MIL. Isn't my DH the best???



I've copies some information from Wikipedea:

"International Women's Day (IWD), originally called International Working Women’s Day is marked on the 8th of March every year. It is a major day of global celebration of women. In different regions the focus of the celebrations ranges from general celebration of respect, appreciation and love towards women to a celebration for women's economic, political and social achievements.

Started as a Socialist political event, the holiday blended in the culture of many countries, primarily Eastern Europe, Russia, and the former Soviet bloc. In many regions, the day lost its political flavour, and became simply an occasion for men to express their love for women in a way somewhat similar to a mixture of Mother's Day and St Valentine's Day. In other regions, however, the original political and human rights theme designated by the United Nations runs strong, and political and social awareness of the struggles of women worldwide are brought out and examined in a hopeful manner.

Female members of the Australian Builders Labourers Federation march on International Women's Day 1975 in Sydney

The mimosa (technically, the Silver Wattle) is the symbol of the celebrations of Women's day in Italy and Russia

The first IWD was observed on 19 March 1911 in Germany following a declaration by the Socialist Party of America. The idea of having an international women's day was first put forward at the turn of the 20th century amid rapid world industrialization and economic expansion that led to protests over working conditions.

In 1910, Second International held the first international women's conference in Copenhagen (in the labour-movement building located at Jagtvej 69, which until recently housed Ungdomshuset). An 'International Women's Day' was established. It was suggested by the important German Socialist Clara Zetkin, although no date was specified. The following year, 1911, IWD was marked by over a million people in Austria, Denmark, Germany and Switzerland, on March 19. In the West, International Women's Day was first observed as a popular event after 1977 when the united Nations General Assembly invited member states to proclaim March 8 as the UN Day for Women's Rights and International Peace.

Demonstrations marking International Women's Day in Russia proved to be the first stage of the Russian Revolution of 1917.

Following the October Revolution, the Bolshevik Alexandra Kollontai persuaded Lenin to make it an official holiday in the Soviet Union, and it was established, but was a working day until 1965. On May 8, 1965 by the decree of the USSR Presidium of the Supreme Soviet International Women's Day was declared a non working day in the USSR

If you are interested, there is more information available on this site.

So HAPPY INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY my dear friends!!!!

Cycle Update (BCP#5)

Today I had my 5th BCP, it is nice to see the pack slowly getting emptied out. 19 more to go!!! I am happy to report that I don't have any s/e (for now at least). Last time BCP gave me headaches, but I was told that Alesse is milder than Marvelon, and it shows :)!!!

I've received a package of documentation from the clinic with all the forms and descriptions. I was reading a description of ER procedure (I did do it once already, but still...) and it get me very anxious. It did say that they are going to do local injection into a vaginal wall, but did not say anything about anaesthetics through IV to make me "consciously sedated". So, I turned to my favourite site ivf.ca and I have a friend there who actually just did ER at the same clinic. Thank G-d for these sites and for people who are there and ready to help!!! She did say that Dr. H does use anaesthetics through IV and she said it was a breeze and she didn't feel anything. Hearing that made me feel much better.

On another front, since I started taking BCP (and feeling much better after the cold) our BDing is great (although not sure if I can still call it BDing since technically no baby can come out of it, but I don't want to be vulgar on my own blog, so BDing it is). It has been 3 days in a row of BDing and not because we had to but because we wanted to and it was great! It's the first time in a very long time BDing is not calculated and therefore, much more enjoyable ;)

So, I am happy and optimistic today!

Fun in the Sun!!!

I had almost 12 hours of sleep today, and have been on the computer pretty much since breakfast (which we had at around noon :) ). It is rainy and gloomy outside, and it brings me joy to remember hot sunny days in Mexico.

We arrived late on Thursday. I was sick and once I put my head on a pillow I couldn't get up. The check in was a breeze and we got to our room pretty quickly. My MIL's room was next door. We ordered room service as everything else was closed by that time (and room service was included!). I did get feverish and my body temperature was around 37.5C - the worst, if you ask me. I took some pills and was somewhat capable of going outside the next morning. I couldn't refuse a few dips in the pool and the ocean during the day, so by the evening on Friday the fever was back. I started spotting on Friday night and decided that I will not use a tampon as I need to know when AF shows up (I am always worried that I am not going to understand whether it is just spotting or it is flowing full force). So Saturday was fun - me not able to wear a bathing suit + being feverish. Even though I was feeling like shit, we decided to go to the gym on Saturday as well - it was all worth it :)

The good news, this time around AF decided not to play any games and started pretty quickly, so DH and I decided to go to Playa Del Carmen on Sunday. My MIL went with us (which did not make me a happy camper, as she has problem walking) We spent half a day there and decided to skip the gym this time around.

I didn't go swimming on both Sunday and Monday and my cold was getting better. We did manage to get to the gym on each of Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday (Thursday was our last day).

The weather was gorgeous - it was hot, hot, hot and sunny!!! ALL THE TIME!!!! It only got cloudy on Thursday at 4 o'clock, just before we had to start packing!

Overall, it was a great vacation, although I could have used more alone time with DH. Spending so much quality time with my MIL was not that easy since we are not the best of friends (we are not enemies either, but she is my MIL, who can be very annoying), plus add me feeling sick and PMS on top of it - yep, I snapped a few times too many (DH was not impressed), but I did improve as my health improved too.

My thoughts on the hotel -- Iberastar Paraiso Lindo
it is a 5 hotel complex - Lindo supposedly was 2nd from the top

grounds and architecture: breathtaking
service: mostly pretty good
rooms: nothing special and definitely not a 5 star hotel - no internet in the room!!! that was a shocker - only in the lobby and even in the lobby we had to pay for it, but since we would go to the lobby only to eat or for show we would take our iphones with us (and would not carry our little laptop) - so very limited access to internet. For DH it was a harder blow since his business is on the internet. Needless to say, if we go back to this resort we will not be back to the same hotel.
beach: great, but too busy, and if you do not get there very early there would not be any lounges left. it was windy most of the time, so there were huge waive - which I loved (even though I don't surf or anything).
pools: were pretty good, that's were we hang out most of the time, they had a pool bar, a waive pool and a lazy river!!! We did take a leisurely swim in the lazy river a few times (just DH & I)!!!
food: The buffet was the worst ever. We tried to watch what we eat so for breakfast I had a little sandwich (bread with cheese) and cottage cheese with fruits. The rest of the foods was fried (their omelette and poached eggs weren't great either). The buffet for lunch was good with lots of grilled vegetables, although finding some fish was a challenge. The a la carte restaurants for dinner were great - can't complain there.

Overall with going to the gym 4 times during our stay I lost about 2 kg which made me very happy. Now have to make sure I can keep it and make it go down more!!!

I am posting a link to a short video that DH made from photos of our trip (there is one or two of me, but after spending all the time in the sun and in the water, I do look a bit scary - consider yourself warned!!!)

Here we go AGAIN!!!

So, AF did make an appearance on the 26th (just one day late), and I emailed the clinic my day one. And while I was basking in the sun I got an email back from the clinic --- my cycle calendar!!!

I started BCP on my Day 6 being Thursday, March 3, and I actually had to do it on the plane heading back. Here is my little pack, the start of our IVF#2 - which is going to be THE cycle :)

The plan is that I am going to continue with BCP for 24 days with the last one to be taken on March 26, 2011.

On March 24th we will have a cycle review appointment to sign all the forms, pay the fees (uuuuhhhmmm, as we are still repaying our line of credit from the first one), and review the cycle and any unfamiliar medications (in my case ALL).

Pre-stimulation Assessment - April 1, 2011, and if everything goes as planned -- starting stims on April 2, 2011 -- Day 1 -- Gonal f 187.5 and Luveris 75 in the evening and L-thyroxine 50mcg in the morning.

Orgalutran will be added around Day 6 (April 7, 2011)

Trigger shot of ovidrel on Day 10 -- April 11, 2011

Estimated ER --- April 13, 2011 Estimated ET --- April 18, 2011 (my SIL's b-day) which would theoretically lead to BETA test day of April 27th, 2 days before our 10 year anniversary. Oh, please please please please please let it be the best anniversary ever!!!!

I am BACK!!!

I am back in TO and back in the office with only 3 hours of sleep :(
Will post a more detailed blog and some pics later on or on the weekend.
The other great news - got my schedule!!!! and took 1st BCP last night on the plane.
Miss you all, can't wait to catch up.

Off to the airport!!!

OK, I did ended up working till 10 p.m. (for those who are counting - that's 14 hour day again!) yesterday and then going to my parents to pick up a car so I can run errands in the morning.

The cold is still there and I do feel like shit (somewhat). I had my eyebrows done, managed to get to the bank and more money into RRSP (the deadline would pass by the time we are back). We are all packed and just waiting for our pick up.

I'll try to log in if will get internet in our room.

Will miss you all.

Love,

R

Sick & Tired :(

This post is just a shorty as I am still at the office with tons more stuff to do before I leave tonight. I did talk to my boss that I am not going to come in tomorrow even though initially I said I would (just until noon) before leaving for the airport. I did spend 10 hours on Monday (the "Family Day") and another 14 hours yesterday in the office, and today is going to be another 13-14 hour day.

Nothing is done - no laundry, ironing, packing, manicure, pedicure etc. all will have to be done tomorrow morning (we are leaving at around 1 p.m.)

Plus, the cold that was lingering for the past week, for some reason decided to switch from mild to moderate - my throat hurts and my ears are popping (basically I already feel like I am on the plane + a headache).

Yep, sick and tired --- I do deserve every single minute of this vacation.

Why am I special?

I've been a bit on a sad side since I am not participating in ICLW, but I think it will only be fair for me not to participate in ICLW as I'll be away for a big chunk of it and would not be able to comment for a few days. But then I was thinking that maybe I should have done all the commenting in the first few days that I am home, and get upset at myself. On top of that, weight is a constant struggle (which I manage to lose more often than win). It is just so frustrating to see the weight coming down 100 grams at a time through the week, and then have it all come back after the weekend. UGH!!! Plus, since receiving an email from my IVF nurse about thyroid mediation, I can't stop thinking that there is something else wrong with me. So, it was a breath of fresh air when I received the following words of wisdom from Yehuda Berg:

"Reminding yourself of your shortcomings, troubles, and transgressions will only trick you into a state of sadness. And bring you further away from your dreams.

Be kind to yourself today. If that sounds impossible, then ask a friend to help remind you of why you are so special. (And notice how much easier it is to ask people what’s wrong with you.)"

That made me think that in our constant struggles during TTC we get frustrated at ourselves first of all - why it takes so long to get pregnant, why my body is not reacting to medication the way it should, why my body didn't hang on to the little embie last time around, and in all that negativity we do forget about ourselves, how special we truly are.

I started thinking about how special I am and what makes me special, and it is pretty hard to think of a few things. Well, after some thought, my list is as follows (in no particular order): I am kind, supportive, loyal, smart, caring, honest and loving. Here, now I have to repeat this every time I feel down! :)

Some nice memories :-)

It has been cold and snowing outside through the entire weekend, and only a few things keep me warm inside - the thoughts of our trip to Mexico in a few days AND my memories from Thailand. So I decided to bring some warmth on this cold day and post a few pics from Thailand. Enjoy!!!

This beach is where the movie "The Beach" was filmed. Not the most tranquil place, and that's not a high season!!!

The nature is just stunning!!!

This island they call the "James Bond" island. Apparently from the movie called "Golden Gun" if I remember correctly. I haven't seen that movie, but better take a look.

Our last sunset on the beach in Phuket, minutes before we had to leave... sad... very sad...to leave this place

Let's get this party started!!!

So, I am way behind in documenting our Monday RE's protocol apt as it is now Sunday evening, so here it goes.

On Monday afternoon, DH & I met at our RE's office (that's our new RE, as we did decide that we are switching clinics and going with Dr. H). We did end up waiting for over an hour, but I was ok, as I was reading my book and had nothing urgent going on in the office. RE started by reviewing the latest test results. Apparently, my uterus is a textbook example (I am so proud LOL). My AMH was 45.2 which is way above the average, and RE said it shows that I have quality eggs as only good eggs produce AMH. Then we went on to DH and discussed his results being 10% for DNA defragmentation, which is again totally awesome. So he gave us 70% chance of pregnancy this time around. On one hand, I am happy with such prognosis; but on the other hand, Dr. G (our old RE) also was saying that we have very very good chances of success, and here we are doing it again). Dr. H did say that the problem was not with us, but with the medication that was used for stimulation.

RE said that he wanted carefully balance my medications as he was also very concerned with me developing OHSS (i.e. overstimulating me)as potentially I do have lots of good eggs. I asked him what is the worst case scenario if I do get OHSS, and he said that with severe OHSS they would not do a fresh transfer since pregnancy makes OHSS even worse, and all embies will have to be frozen. He said that the rate of success of FET with the labs that he is using is ony 10-15%, which I found shocking as I was secretly hoping that we can get some frosties for the future so wanted a bit more follicles than 4 that we got last time.

Then we actually went through the protocol itself, it is still an OCP - controlled antagonist protocol.

I will start again with the birth control (Alesse, this time around as it is milder than Marvelon - I was told) on the 5th day after AF, which should arrive just around our vacation (not a biggie though). When we were talking about dates with the nurse, she was telling me that they want to see me for a day 3 b/w and baseline u/s before I start BCP on day 5. The problem is that in most likelihood we will be in Mexico by that time, so I asked her if it is possible to skip it, as I didn't want to postpone starting IVF for another month. She agreed to check with Dr. H as I have done tons of tests in the past couple of weeks, and most likely he will say yes. After I emailed the nurse to confirm my understanding she did say that RE approved me not having a day 3 preliminary u/s and b/w. Yei!!! Little victories!!!

I will be taking BCP pretty much for the entire month of March until told to stop by the clinic. I will start stims beginning of April and this time around I am on 187.5 Gonal F and Luveris 75. Dr. H said that Gonal F is a stronger medication than Menopur, which I was on during my last cycle. He did say that that dose is higher with the view of lowering it. It is nice that he actually listened to me as I told him how petrified I am about being understimulated again. He also added Lthyroxine 50 mcg/day, which apparently is a low dose thyroid medication. I've only found out that it is a thyroid medication when I emailed a nurse to confirm my understanding of the cycle and asked her what that drug is. Now, I am a bit nervous if some of my test showed a problem with thyroid, which might suck as I have been tested for it before and everything was clear, but might explain why it is so freaking difficult to lose weight.

I will also take the antagonist at 1/2 of a dose that I took for my previous cycle, as Dr. H also believes that it had an effect on my follies, as he has seen it happen before, especially since I had an allergic reaction to it. Dr. H actually switched me from cetrotide to orgalutran to avoid another unpleasant allergic reaction.

If everything goes according to plan (I did stim for about 9 days last time) the retrieval will be the week of April 11 (apparently this is the week that the clinic does retrievals as they do it in a 3 week cycles, and they only take a maximum of 18 ladies per cycle, but I was told that so far they are not even close to being to a maximum - another good thing!). The transfer (hopefully of 2 nice blasts) 5 days thereafter.

Our RE told us that he will cancel (or convert to IUI)if my estrogen level (E2) is less than 6,500 (indicating less than 6 eggs). We did review my E2 levels from the last IVF cycle and it turned out that my E2 levels were just about 3,000 the same as with two previous medicated (Clomid) IUI cycles, which also indicated that I only had 3 eggs - which was the case. I do get upset when I think about it!!! Nobody took their time to explain it to DH and I at our old clinic, everything was rush rush rush all the time. Always busy busy, tons of people, waiting waiting waiting. Oh, well, I really hope this will be a much more pleasant experience.

Oh, there was another funny moment when Dr H asked if DH wanted his "boys" frozen before the procedure (we were never offered that before). So we asked why would one considered doing that, to which Dr. H replied that some men cannot "perform" under pressure - and we assured him that DH has done it before and will do it again under pressure - no problem :). Then RE mentioned that the only other reasons is if DH got sick since its the flu season, so DH got all worried and asked what would happen if he would get sick, would this affect the sperm quality. RE said that it will not affect the sperm quality just that some men when sick cannot get an erection. DH & I just looked at each other and started laughing - definitely have no problem in that area ;)

Well, it has been a long post, but if not for anything else, I did want to document it for the future.

To my friend in ON, enjoy the long weekend (unfortunately I am going to the office tomorrow, but only 3 full days of work left until the sunny Mexico :) )

I am content...

Today, while going through ivf.ca and reading through blogs, I realized that I am actually content with where I am right now. Technically I should be in my 2ww, but if you ask me when did I ovulate. I can only tell you: I don't know. I don't know when or if I ovulated (but I do ovulate in 99% of cases, and AF has been pretty regular). After over 4 years of TTC I am actually calm. I haven't been temping (actually for a while), not using OPKs. DH and I have been BDing when we wanted to and not when we had to (it still happens 2-3 times a week, so I am not complaining ;) ). We are slowly getting ready for our IVF #2 (the big post about our apt with our new RE will follow shortly - need time to finish it). I have BCP on my desk at home and I am actually looking at them right now, and they don't make me all stressed out, which is such a nice change!

Before IVF#1 I was stressing myself to get pregnant. DH and I both wanted it to happen in Thailand, it didn't happen. Then, I had to wait for my next AF to begin and DH told G-d that if we get pregnant naturally, we will donate half the money for IVF to a good cause. Well, that didn't work. So I guess I just came to realization that it is not happening naturally. And I am not just telling myself that so that AF showing her ugly head would not hurt as much, it is actually how I feel right now -- content.

According to my calendar AF is scheduled to arrive in about a week, exactly when we will be boarding our plane to Mexico. I do wish that this time around she is fashionably late (let's say for about a week LOL). But, well, it's not the first time nor the last time. It actually never fails, AF shows up the moment we land if we are travelling somewhere. Happened last year when we went to Jamaica, and a year before on our trip to Prague, but the best AF showing was the night before our wedding - yep, so much fun! My sis had to undo and take off my wedding dress after the ceremony and before the reception, so that I can change a tampon!!! Ha, I am suddenly changing topics (happens to me all the time). My mom's best friend came over last night, and while her DH was talking business with my DH, we watched the movie that my DH made from our pics from Thailand and thereafter, had enough time to watch my wedding video, awwwwwwww, I haven't seen it in a while. And that's actually why I think we will be successful this year in our quest to finally have a baby. So, on April 29th (yes, the day the prince gets married), DH & I will be celebrating 10 years from our first blind date, and 6 years from the day he proposed to me (yes on our 4 year anniversary), AND in August we are celebrating our 5th wedding anniversary. BUT, the best part is that if everything goes according to plan, my BETA would be just around April 29th -- it is going to be the BEST anniversary gift ever!!! So, you see, happy & content!!

Minor Changes :-)

I was getting depressed just looking at my blog background, so decided to change it to something livelier. These are my orchids. I got them as a present in 2010 New Year, and they bloomed again in January 2011. I am soooo proud, I don't have a green thumb, believe me! So, I'll keep it like that for now, and then once I find a deserving picture from our trip to Thailand, I'll change it again!

Valentine's Dinner on Feb 13 :-)

An update on our Valentine's Dinner on February 13th. It was amazing!

We went to the same restaurant where I celebrated my 30th b-day (the weird thing that I typed up 25th!!! I guess I am stuck at being 25 and don't feel 30 even a bit).

The restaurant was closed for a private engagement party in the afternoon, so by 9 p.m. it only had 2 tables occupied. We went with my sis and BIL as my DH's brother was very sick & my SIL obviously didn't want to go by herself. The food was just delicious (as always), and closer to the end of the night the owner joined us, got us a 2nd bottle of wine and deserts on the house, so it was even more sweet :).

I was a bit buzzed and tipsy by the end of the night as we pretty much had 2 bottles of wine between 4 people. LOL Oh, well, I needed to relax.

Valentine's Day thoughts

In my humble opinion, Valentine’s Day is so overrated. There are various other occasions that lovers can celebrate, and which are much more special to them, such as the day they met, the day of proposal, wedding etc. May be because I didn’t grew up with celebrating Valentine’s Day, I am not really into it. Even before we immigrated to Canada I knew about this holiday (yes, everything American was popular). My sis and I did little valentines and gave them out to our girlfriends (we were too young to have boyfriends at that time). When I met DH, he was working at a restaurant, and of course, on Valentine’s Day it was all hands on deck. For the first few years we would go out on February 13th, to pay tribute to Valentine’s Day, although without all those cheesy cards and gifts. It was nice; most of the restaurants were pretty empty, no waiting, exceptional service and you can order whatever you want. So, when DH quit being a cook, we decided to have a Valentine’s day dinner on Feb. 14. What a disaster that was! Waiting for 2 hours to get into a very cramped restaurant, having to choose from a pre-set menu, plus they were out of my favourite desert!!! So, we said NEVER AGAIN and continued with our little tradition to going out for dinner on the 13th (and sometimes having Valentine’s dinner at home with friends :) ). We did try it again on the 14th, when my sis & BIL made reservations for themselves but their DD got sick and they stayed home – it was a bit better, as there was no wait but still the restaurant was very crowded, and that table was so close that we felt like at a communal table LOL, not a bit romantic. So, today, Feb 13th, we are going out for our “Valentine’s Day Dinner”, a nice occasion to get together with my sis & BIL and BIL & SIL and have some quality time together (minus all the kids). So looking forward to it.

On the other note, a bit nervous about our RE appointment tomorrow. I know that all tests were great, but still have some irrational nervousness, and preparing a bunch more questions with reference to a protocol. The vacation to Mexico is already booked for the 24th of February, so would have to work around it. We are also going to NYC on March 17th through 20th to attend a Vision Expo, provided I am not in the middle of stims and monitoring (as RE said that monitoring will be daily).

I'll report on my apt with RE tomorrow, and for now has to get back to work, so that I can get home in time to have dinner at a restaurant (reservations are made for 8:30 :) )

Is it Bad to be Happy?

This afternoon I was walking outside. It was pretty cold, but I was all bundled up, and it was sunny, plus I had just received good news - time 3! and I was happy. Yes, I actually felt happy for the first time in a long time. Of course, the thoughts crept it right away that I cannot be happy as I'll jinx it, it can't happen that I get all those good news, something has to not go right. It was hard to get rid of those bad thoughts, and I was thinking about Sex & the City - the movie, where Charlotte got pregnant and she was afraid that something bad would happen, but nothing did, and she gave birth to a healthy baby, but this is a movie... Would I ever just be happy for little victories in our infertility journey?

But, I should probably start from the beginning. I was schedule for a bunch of u/s and SHG today. I was told to drink 1l of water 1 hour before. I actually had 750 mil (1.5 bottles) and I was in so much pain when I got to the clinic that I couldn't sit down and had to complete all the forms standing up (another couple that was there, did look at me funny :) ). The tech was a very nice woman and she did comment that my bladder was very full (so I decided for the next time, all I am drinking is 1 bottle). She did an abdominal u/s, then told me to empty my bladder (which turned out to be a very hard task), so when I got back for the vaginal u/s she was still seeing lots of liquid, but thankfully for me she carried on. She also did u/s of my kidneys (that I don't remember ever being done at the other clinic). Then I was told to go have something to eat, take 2 Advils and come back in about 2 hours. So what did I do, I went for a walk in the mall (Eaton's Centre - for those who are familiar with TO). When I got back for SHG, I found out that Dr. H himself would be doing SHG - nice bonus. He was amazing, as I did it about 3 years ago at another clinic, and with Dr. H it was a breeze. He said that everything looked very good - both tubes are nice and clear, and the uterus is just waiting for a baby (Good News #1). Then he said that he got the results of my AMH test - and I have tons of eggs (I don't remember the number that he was saying, but apparently it is higher than average) (so Good News #2). I SHOULD NOT have any issues with my eggs. He said that we would have to play it safe to make sure I don't get too many. To which I replied that I don't want him playing it too safe as the last time around playing safe gave us very poor results. He said that will talk about it on Monday in more detail.

Then, I asked Dr. H if we got DNA fragmentation results back for DH. He said that he didn't, but then he looked at the file and he just got it this morning! He said that they want to see the lower % and that it is usually around 15%. Well DH had 10%!!! Which supposed to be very good (Yei!!! Good News #3). I called DH as soon as I got out of the room (and texted both my sis and SIL).

So, all the good news, did bring some hope back that IVF #2 might actually work. I am trying not to be too optimistic. I guess my thinking is if my expectations are not very high then it is not going to be too bad to fall down (if it doesn't work). But I so want to believe that it will work and I want to be happy ALL the time.

And by the way, we decided to go away for a week, subject to whatever Dr. H says on Monday. That's the reason why I haven't entered ICLW this time around, as I will be gone for the majority of that week (hopefully). I am just fed up with this winter. The sunny days are scarce and I am always cold (well most of the time). I was wearing a nice wool sweater today as it was over -20C with windchill and I knew that I would be walking outside to get to the clinic, although I found an underground PATH to 1 block from the clinic. Yei!!!

Delinquent Award Recipient

I am a delinquent award recipient, but now is the time to respond! I am not very versatile with the blogger, so will try my best not to screw it up.

In the past 2 weeks I got the same award from three nice individuals (Thank you girls!): Lisa at http://lisabttc.blogspot.com, Krista at http://hopefulforababy.blogspot.com and My Infertile Confessions at http://myinfertileconfessions.blogspot.com

Rules for accepting this award:

1. Thank and Link back to the person who awarded you the award. (Check)
2. Share 7 things about yourself. (See below - check)
3. Award 15 other bloggers the award. (Uhm, most of the blogs I followed have already gotten such award, so only a handful of the very special remain :) )
4. Contact bloggers and let them know about the award and that they received it (Will do)


Things about myself:

I did cheat, by looking at what others have been posting! I hope that stuff is not copyrighted. :) So here it goes -- in no particular order:

1) I love to travel - I've been to Latvia, Lithuania and Estonia, Sweden, Russia and Ukraine, Czech Republic, in Canada (Ontario & Quebec), in US (by car NY, NJ & Chicago, IL, by plane SF (loved it) and Miami), Panama, all over Europe (UK, Belgium, France, Switzerland, Germany, Italy, Spain, Austria), Caribbean (Jamaica, Cuba, Mexico, Dominican Republic) and the latest and the greatest Thailand!

2) I love reading - anything (well almost anything). I spend 12 hours per day at the office reading and drafting - so in my spare time I read all the blogs I follow and my favourite ivf.ca site. I also read light detective stories in Russian. I love them, just to help me relax, they are also very funny and I don't remember most of them once I finish reading!

3) When I was a kid I loved to watch X-files, full house and who's the boss, I also love love love Friends. I didn't like Sex and the City when I watched it as a teen, but when I grew up a bit it also became one of my favourite TV series and movies. :)

4) I love singing, including Karaoke (only at private functions and home). I do sing in the shower. When DH is not home, I just turn the music up, sing loud and dance and it so makes everything better.

5) I am constantly fighting with my weight - so far, a losing battle. I've always been chubby, but after the wedding gained a lot of weight, which is not coming down that easily. My lowest weight ever (when I was 17 y.o. and after a few diets) was 149 lb. I would be ecstatic if I can get to that weight again.

6) DH and I met on a blind date :) almost 10 years ago. We liked each other and where almost inseparable until I went to Europe for 2 weeks about 3 months after we met. Thereafter we knew that we will be together for a long time.

7) I am not a good housewife LOL. I don't really know how to cook, and I can only cook if I have a recipe. DH finished a cooking college and worked in a few restaurants as a cook. Since I stuck at the office most days, DH also does laundry and cleans, although we do have a cleaning lady that comes in about once a month (just love her :) ).

So, that's a bit more insight into me.

Now for the major part - me passing the award to other blogs (in no particular order) --- drum roll please:

1) http://babiesonmybrain.blogspot.com

2) http://infertilefollies.wordpress.com

3) http://ousoonerchick.blogspot.com

======================
UPDATE - HELP!!! I do need a tutorial on how to include links!!! I don't think it is working very well. But, I've tried!

Scared...

On Friday I was looking through time dockets on a file that I've been working on for the past 2 months, and I noticed that there were no dockets entered for my time on December 14 and 15, and I don't remember seeing anything that was done on those days. I was trying to calculate in my mind when was the last time I took a vacation, and then it dawned on me - those were the days that I took off for ER! Yep, now it seems like it was so so long ago, but the feelings from it still lurk in my mind - the ghosts of the first IVF cycle!

I have been very impatient waiting for our protocol with a new RE, but I am scared, scared that the new protocol would not work for me, scared that we would have to cancel the cycle, scared that we are not going to have a baby. Yep, lots of ghosts. It is scary how my attitude is completely different from the first to the second cycle. I guess the first IVF opened my eyes a bit. I DO have to be proactive! I DO have to question my RE regarding his/her decisions. I have to do my own research.

I was told DH that I am scared and he questioned me whether I am scared of going through the cycle itself i.e. scared of pain of injections, growing follicles, ER and ET, or scared of the result i.e. not having a baby. I was surprised that he even thought of the former. I assured him that even if I had to jab myself with 10 needles every hour 24 hours a day, and do ER without any anaesthesia, I would do it over and over again, as long as we have a baby at the end, and that I am only afraid of having an empty uterus - AGAIN. He told me not to worry and that we will do everything that it takes to have this baby, as many IVFs as needed and all alternative medicine that can potentially help. That did make me feel better a bit.

I am also scared going through sonohysterogram on Tuesday (the 8th), I've done it before (about 3 years ago), but I was on Clomid a few months thereafter, plus 2 medicated IUI and of course, a whole bunch of medication for IVF, so I am just praying that everything is going to be picture perfect. I will post results on Tuesday after it is all done.

I also have been very tired lately. Last night (Friday), I went to bed at 9:30p.m., which is REALLY early for me as I usually get home right around that time, but as it was Friday, I was home by 7 p.m. and by that time was already ready for bed. I slept for 12 hours and got up to go to a gravity circuit class (which was AMAZING as always). And now it is almost 7 p.m. and I am again felling like I can just go to sleep for the night (although DH has plans to go to a movie - really don't feel like it now, but I guess would have to go to make him happy). I am very surprised at being so tired all the time, I am not pregnant (AF finished not so long ago, and we are not allowed to BD until after SHG) and I am taking more vitamins, much more vitamins, so I should be feeling great, but I am not. We'll see what the next week brings.

Doctors, tests, doctors, tests

Last Friday we went to see our new RE. I was so impressed and I am in love with the new clinic already. I just love the efficiency. Everything is done by email (well most of things). I have record of everything and all my inquiries are answered within a few hours. I liked that we didn't have to pull teeth to get information from our new RE, he was the one giving us all information. I didn't even use my list of questions that much. He ordered tons of b/w, which we did right there and then. No need to go to a different lab (my old RE's lab was only for monitoring). DH had 1 vial of blood taken, and when the tech started printing labels for me, DH counted 21!!! The tech also took me to a different room to make me lay down :) yep that was a lot of blood taken from me. (plus I got my AF the same day so, I was loosing blood like crazy).

Anyways, the new RE also wanted an updated SA, so DH had it done yesterday, again at the clinic. He also wanted to make sure I've done Sonohysterogram (SHG) which I had done about 3 years ago for my OBGYN (it was all clear, but it was before all the fertility treatments, so I am a bit worried). I have it scheduled for February 8, and it is a bit more complicated than what I remember. I have to get to the clinic by 10:30a.m. and drink 1L of water 1 hour before, then go get something to eat (and take 2 Advil) and come back at 12:45 p.m. for the second half. We have a follow up apt scheduled for the Valentine's Day - so at that time he would give us our new protocol based on the results. Crossing my fingers that all numbers come back great and SHG would not show anything abnormal.

Yesterday, DH and I had an apt with a new family doctor in our neighbourhood. I did know that she is a bit outside of the box, but I wasn't prepared by how much. :) My apt was at 9 a.m. (and DH was supposed to be at the clinic downtown for SA at the same time), so I went by myself and he had apt with the same doc for the afternoon. She actually spent an hour with me. We discussed our infertility issues, and she checked me out using TCM (I know since this is the same way my acupuncturist does it) and we talked about healthy alternatives to IVF like making changes to the diet, vitamins and natural supplements, and some other techniques that, to tell you the truth, I cannot wrap my head around to even explain what the heck it is. She, as well, ordered tons of b/w and I just didn't have time to have it done (there will be a LOT of blood drawn). She also talked about Eat Right for Your Blood Type, she was saying that she was doing her own research as her friend owns a lab, and she is a great proponent of that diet.

DH and I discussed everything that she was offering, and agreed that we will be following the diet and taking supplements, but we are not ready to postpone IVF. I just can't wait any more, just can't... It's been such a long time, long 4 years, and I just want it to happen. I have my doubts, which I should just let go and move forward. I look to feel comfortable and don't like change and that was one of the reasons why it was so hard for me to agree to look for another RE.

It is interesting that an email of daily thoughts that I got today from Yehuda Berg was: "We’re all at war with our doubts. Remember that. Especially when you are close to breaking through. Today, be on the lookout for sneak attacks from your fears." I should just continue going out of my comfort zone, and everything is going to be just fine...

It was bound to happen sooner or later...

It was bound to happen sooner or later, so it finally happened on Saturday night. DH and I were watching a Russian version of Dr. House. There was one doctor’s wife who was pregnant and her baby was not doing good and almost died, and there was another couple who gave birth but their baby died shortly thereafter. And that was the trigger, the tears just started flowing down my chicks as I tried to explain to DH that it is so sad that you try and try and try to get pregnant, and then you carry that baby for 9 months taking care of it and making plans and then that is what might happen. He calmed me down a bit, but then I had pain in my uterus (since I am in the mid of my AF), so the next wave started. I started thinking that I am in so much pain because my uterus is empty, because I couldn’t make my little baby to hang on, and then I just couldn’t take my little embie out of my head, I was thinking about him over and over. He was better than I thought, he was a 5 cell not 3, so why didn’t he continue to grow. DH lost the battle in calming me down this time around. For the first time since BFN I was painfully aware that I was empty inside and it hurt so much (emotionally)… I was just sitting on the floor and wailing … there was nothing that DH could have done to make me stop. He was saying over and over that everything is going to be alright and that we will never ever stop that we will have a baby one day, and I should just calm down as I am ruining my nerves which cannot be restored. He did manage to get me to bed about an hour later, and after such an intensive outburst, I felt asleep almost instantly.

I did feel much better in the morning.

Traditional v. Western Medicine?

First of all, I am still not feeling well. Today, instead of bloating, I have an upset stomach and a wicked headache since this morning. I guess me barely eating for the entire day is the cause of no bloating.

So, we were a bit undecided whether to change clinics or not. The good news is that the apt with the new RE is tomorrow, and I already have my list of questions. Plus I sent him all information that my old RE provided on our failed 5 IUIs and IVF cycles. Both him and his staff responded right away. I am falling in love with this clinic more and more. :)

By the way, some bittersweet news --> I finally had a copy of the embryology report for my little embie, and I guess as I was reading it upside down both times I've seen it (as it was in the hand of my RE), I did mix up the number - it wasn't 3/5 it was actually 5/3 - which means a 5 cell of a grade 3 (with 5 being worst). So, I am a bit happy that DH and I can produce some decent embie, but then I start questioning myself whether there is something wrong with me that the little one didn't stick. The thought does linger in my mind.

But to get back to the theme of today's post. So on top of deciding with which clinic to go, now my parents (from the best of intentions) have added another decision - whether to go through IVF now or to got to an ayurvedic clinic.

You see a few years ago, my dad was supposed to meet with his business partner at an ayurvedic clinic in Hungary. He didn't know much about it and thought that they'll have tons of time to take care of business while doing some therapy sessions. Boy was he wrong! First of all, after running all diagnostics on him, the doctor (who is also a Western medicine doctor)told him that he had a mini stroke (yep, we were all very "happy" to hear that), then he started treatments with oils, massages, saunas, yoga etc. and of course herbs and pretty strict diet. In the week that he was there my dad changed drastically for the better. A year and a half later my mom went and it helped her a lot too.

So my dad contacted the doctor (he did ask our permission) and after reviewing several of DH's b/w and SA, the doctor said that he can help us, but I have to go there for 10 days and DH for 20. It would be nice to go there to get our health in check too, but the earliest that we can go there, realistically, would be in the Spring, plus it will take the sperm at least 3 months to renew, so now we are looking at the end of the Summer for seeing any results and then it is not a fact that we will get pregnant right away even if the sperm count is amazing, since even couples who have no issues take some time to get pregnant. So, that would delay us for a good 6 months, which I don't think I am ready to do. We have been trying for over 4 years now, so even a thought of waiting another year is giving me goosebumps. And there is no point of going there and then going through IVF.

So, DH and I kind of decided to do IVF #2 and if that doesn't work (yep, most of my positivity was buried with my IVF#1) then we would go to Hungary, most likely in the Summer. That's sounds like a plan, right? But try explaining it to my dad, who believes that it would be much better to have a natural child rather than one conceived through ICSI, even though I've been telling him over and over again that there will be nothing artificial in our baby given that it is my egg and DH's sperm and not something synthetically produced. All they need is a bit help to meet each other. Anyways, we are going to my parents tomorrow to discuss this AGAIN, but this time in person and not over the phone, and hopefully come up with a plan.

Yep, never a dull moment!

I am still here, barelly :(

I have been MIA for a while now, but I am soooo tired and exhausted. We have a big reorganization tomorrow, and I've been working very very long hours for the past 4 days (yep, including Sunday). So, there is so much that I wanted to write about, but that would have to wait until the weekend.

But, I have to share amazing news. So yesterday as I was on a train going to the office, my phone rang. Guess who..... my new RE's office. Somebody canceled and we got an earlier apt. - on FRIDAY at 8:30 a.m. I am so excited about it. Can't wait to meet him and see his office. Going to be preparing a bunch of questions for him as I want to be more thorough based so as not to allow a repeat of our last IVF experience.

By the way, I am still bloated. As soon as I eat my lunch in the afternoon (doesn't matter what I eat), I get bloated and am this way until I go to bed. AF is supposed to arrive any day now, but I've heard horror stories about it being delayed after failed IVF cycle, so will see. Praying that it will stay the same.

I am thinking about all of you and reading your blogs, as much as I can. I can't reply to most of the blogger blogs from the office, no clue why, and it is kind of hard to see on a tiny screen on my iphone (and I can only see 2 recent ones as the scroll thingy is missing for some reason). Anyways, got to go to bed now, as wake up call at 5:30 a.m. tomorrow.

What God Meant

I've been a bit behind on my blogging and on my commenting. I am in the office right now, but will try to hit my computer hard when I get home tonight (whenever that might be).

In the meantime, I've been lurking on the ivf site recently and found a beautiful article which brought tears to my eyes, so I wanted to share it with all of you, as we are all on the same road, some are further along and some are just at the beginning, but nevertheless on the road of IF.



What God Meant
Author Unknown

What do I think God meant when He gave me infertility?

I think He meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper.

I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down.

I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols.

I think God meant for us to find a cure for fertility.

No, God never meant for me to not have children.

That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on.

I've been placed on the road less traveled, and like it or not, I'm a better person for it.

Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let Him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God singled me out for special treatment.

I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.

While I would never have chosen infertility, I cannot deny that a fertile woman could ever experience the joy that I know awaits me.

Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own.

And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice, I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when He handed me infertility. I already know."

Panic/Anxiety Attacks

I don't really know if that's what they are called, but I manged to get myself to one yesterday. I didn't have them for a very long time, basically I had them before the wedding, when 3 weeks before the wedding I found out that uhmmm our Rabbi was dying in the hospital, and then that our photographer is sending somebody else instead of him, and that I lost my veil, and the night before the wedding AF showed up (a few days early), and tons of other little organizational things, none of them having to do with me actually wanting to marry my DH, I knew I would marry him 1 month after we started going out, it only took him 4 years to propose :).

And now what caused the feeling that I cannot take a deep breath, feeling like my chest is all constricted and trying to breathe even deeper and getting dizzy and panicky. I started thinking about the second IVF and our dilemma about which clinic to choose. I don't think I trust our RE anymore, I am sooo afraid that even with a bit bigger dose and slightly different mix of meds, it is still not enough, and that the fellows who do u/s would not catch it in time to do something about it. I feel like I blindly trusted my RE with my first IVF and she broke that trust by understimulating me. BUT If we go to a new RE would it be like trying for the first time again? Would he be guessing as well? All I want is to get a decent number of follicles and a decent number of eggs and embies - oh, and of course a baby (or two). Nobody can guarantee that.

I was so confident getting into the first IVF never even considering that it might not work, and now I am scared. What if... What if it doesn't work AGAIN what are we going to do? Try and try again... I was so ready to dive into the 2nd IVF as soon as I got a BFN but this waiting game is playing tricks with my mind and my confidence in this IVF ever succeeding. It feels that this always searching, trying, hoping for a baby is the status quo and would remain this way. It has been so long now, as we are going into our 5th year of trying. Our friends and everybody we know are getting pregnant, giving birth, getting pregnant again and giving birth to their second children, they talk about day cares, schools, changing the nursery to a toddler room, and we are still at square one - a family of 2.

My BIL called today, and asked if we can find a space to put a crib, a chest and a changing table as their kids are now outgrown this furniture, and it is bad luck to keep it in our house (and I am superstitious too). Both DH's brother and my sis are waiting (somewhat impatiently) for us to have kids so that they can unload tones of boxes and drawers full of baby staff that they've been storing for years now, and it is just not happening. We don't store anything for our future baby in our house, but if you come into our house you would think that we have a kid or two, as it is full of toys which our nephews and niece have brought over for the last couple of years, we even have four little plastic chairs for them so that they can sit down and watch TV. We love them, but when they leave the house is quiet again. All I want is to have baby sounds in my house too, the cries, the laughter, to have somebody call me "mommy" and come to me to make all the things better. All I want is a baby....please.

Welcome ICLW!!!

Welcome everyone who found their way to my little blog.

It's my second time participating, and I am again very excited!

So, to make it easy, I'll just tell a bit about myself here.

DH and I have been married since August 2006 (after being together for 5 years).
We have been TTC for over 4 years now (since December 2006) and I have never been pregnant.
2 years ago we were diagnosed with MFI (male factor infertility).
After 5IUIs and a surgery for DH we decided to proceed with IVF.
Our first IVF in December last year was a disaster (understimulated, threat of cancellation, only one poor quality embie), and as expected, ended in BFN.
We are considering the second IVF probably in March and are pondering whether to change the clinics.

So that's where we are right now.

All your comments, thoughts and questions are always welcomed and appreciated, so stop by to say "hi" often!

I am bursting!!!

I have been soooo bloated for the past few days (or almost a week), it gets worse in the afternoon and I feel like the buttons on my dress pants are going to burst! I also have cramping, so basically feeling like I did just before ER. In addition, it also hurts to do high impact aerobic movements, like running and jumping. So today decided to take it easy. I don't know if this is lingering effect of stim medication, although, even my RE admitted that I was understimulated. I wish I could just go for an u/s and see what's going on. It would totally suck if I now have more than one follicle (without any meds) and after we paid 12K I only got 4. As you can see I am still not over my anger about the failed cycle. My AF is not due for another week, and I've been told that the first cycle after IVF is longer than usual. I am so afraid of my cycle being irregular due to IVF (it was pretty regular), oh well... I think I starting to slowly enjoy not doing much about IVF. We are getting together some documents for the next cycle. I can't update my b/w now, as I need to do it on CD 2-3, so still a week away. Apt with the new RE is not until March, I scheduled a physical with my new GP and it is still 1.5 weeks away. So, just hanging, didn't make a decision yet about clinic and for some reason don't want to think about it now.

Tomorrow is Friday - TGIF and beginning of ICLW - both of those make me somewhat happy!

Don't feel like it....

It is strange, but for the last couple of days, I just don't feel like writing a blog. I don't really know why, because once I start, I do enjoy putting all my thoughts "on paper". I have wanted to start doing more to take care of my weight problem, but it is getting very hard to stop myself from eating and getting my butt to exercise. Yes, on top of being cold (see my previous post) I am also hungry all the time. BUT, I don't feel like exercising, and generally don't feel like doing anything once I get home, mind you, I do get home around 8:30p.m. if I am lucky. Sorry, this turned out to be another bitching post, and I had so many ideas for writing a few entries, but I guess I'll keep them for later, as right now I just don't feel like it. My brain is foggy (and I might be getting a cold or something), so I am going to get up now, get changed (yes, I am still in my dress pants and shirt), and do 10 min boot camp video. If I feel like it, I'll update this blog tonight and tell you if I actually got my fat butt out of the chair or did what I usually do in the evenings - go an pilfer the refrigerator. :(

****UPDATE*****
Yep, I've done 10 minute boot camp workout AND 15 min running on a treadmill (for the first time in a very very very long time !!! If only I could do it every day...

Plus, I think I figured out whats happening with me - after the worst AF in my life (following the disaster of the IVF#1), I am having the worst PMS (although, my AF tracker app says that I have 10 days left until my next AF), whatever....

one month ago...

One month ago today we were having our ET procedure. We were still full of hope that our little embie would hang on and make it during the following two weeks. I just realized that if he would have hang on, we would have been able to see him by now and probably hear his heartbeat. (for some reason I believe it was a boy)

Instead, we are left with nothing - just feeling of failure... It doesn't help that we are in our 5th year of trying, 5th!!!! Our baby could have celebrated his or her 3rd birthday by now. My YOUNGER sis' kids will be turning 4 and 2 this year, I love them to pieces but so wish they could have been my own.

Plus, it is sooo freaking cold, it was -26C this morning when our train was late and in order to get a seat on a GO Train we had to stand in line (my sis and I were first in line) on the platform and freeze! My eyelids were cold (and believe me that's never happened before). I love to be outside, but this winter there were days when DH and I would not leave the house. I am also pissed because I am always cold in the winter. I wear layers of clothing, I have an additional personal heater in the office, plus a thick pashmina, so that I can keep my hands warm and get some drafting done.

My only saving grace was our annual trip to Caribbean every year in February, it made the winter so much more bearable. But not this year, we had to cancel it as (a) if I would have been pregnant (which we were sure I would be) we didn't want me flying in the first trimester, and (b) even though I am not pregnant, we have to save money for the stupid second attempt at IVF. It just SUCKS!!! I always thought that I would miss winter if we would move somewhere where it is warm all the time (not crazy warm - as I don't like hot temperatures either), but somehow this winter I just want to move somewhere South closer to the Equator..... just dreaming, as we would not leave all of our families and extended families here in Canada. Oh, well.... getting to bed, hopefully it will warm up tomorrow (a girl can hope...).

Did you miss me?

I just noticed that I haven't posted any thing since Wednesday, and it is so not like me :).

In my defence, after working only 3 hours on Tuesday, both Thursday and Friday were just crazy at the office. So no energy was left to get back to the computer once I was home. Well, the good thing that we did BDed on Friday (so really crossing my fingers). Plus, I've read in a few books, that to increase the sperm count the guy has to get in the mood and up to but not come (a few times before the actual time for BD). I was too chicken to try it before any of our IUIs and definitely not before the IVF, so I told DH about it and we decided to try it this time around. I was thinking that if he goes a bit too far, nothing big will happen. We went ahead and did it on Wednesday - tell you it was an interesting experience.... but we did it :). So will see how it goes.

I have also signed up for fitness classes (my SIL and I bought 20 classes for $20), I used about 7 before IVF, and want to use the rest of them before IVF in March (they'll expire in April). So, today's class was gravity hybrid circuits, and I loved it. They have two classes one from 9:30a.m. (which is early for me) and the second one from 10:30a.m - and the first one was all full and at the second one there were just two people - me and my SIL, HA!! We had our own private class. So, I registered for all Saturdays until February 26. And I feel so great, my legs, abs and arms are hurting (I'll probably would not be able to move my body tomorrow :). A thought did enter my mind - what if I did get pregnant now, may be I should take it easy and not do much exercising between ov and AF. BUT I've been playing it safe for 4 years, so decided to just concentrate on my physical well being - and continue with all my exercise, and if I get pregnant and it is confirmed by HPT, then I'll take it easy. So that's the plan!

I'm sorry if my post a bit incoherent, as I've been listening to Ace of Base as I was writing it, I just LOVE, LOVE, LOVE all of their songs. and I loved them since I was a teen, since before I moved to Canada. So, found a string of videos on youtube, and am indulging myself. I deserved it today (after morning at the class, afternoon watching a hockey game where the teen who lives with us was playing, and now back into our nice warm house!!)

And just one more thing that I have to share with all of you. I wanted to post it on Friday, but instead I went to my parents and played Wii with my brother for 2 hours :) So you'll get it today. Enjoy!

Hopes Springs Eternal

How stupid can I be? After over 4 years of trying (about 49 cycles), after 5 failed IUIs and 1 failed IVF, I still have a lingering hope that we can get pregnant naturally. Why do I set myself for disappointment and heartbreak AGAIN? Before IVF, I cried pretty much every time I would get AF...

I am not sure how IVF affected my cycle, but based on my old cycle, I supposed to ovulate in the next several days. I've been very bloated and crampy (feeling pretty much the same as before ER), I don't know if those injections are still affecting my body - but it sure feels this way. DH and I have already BDed several times, but we have to time it a bit to make sure that we gather the best of the little swimmers, so the next one is on Friday (when according to my calculations I should ovulate). So, once again, I am planning I am hoping, thinking that "may be....". Although, it would be soooo cool to get pregnant the old fashion way. I live by the proverb "Hopes Spring Eternal" or if you translate the similar one from Russian it says "hope dies last", yep. The story of my life. I am an optimist (although sometimes I tend to forget about it).

All I need now is one little miracle!!! Please pray for me...

Not my normal day

I am feeling a bit down again, and lazy, so lazy that I didn't even type a post yesterday. Just spent the evening vegetating in front of the TV again yesterday. I wasn't commenting much either. My ivf.ca forum for November/December IVF turned into pregnancy discussions and I feel a bit resentful and self-pity, so I decided to skip it for now.

Today turned out to be a very stressful day. It started last night, when my sis called me and told me that her husband's grandmother passed away. The fact is that she's been with her DH for over 12 years now, and we are very close to his family. They were there when my FIL passed away almost 6 years ago.

In Jewish tradition when a person passes away he or she should be buried within 24 hours, unless it is Shabbat. So I knew that the funeral is going to be today. I couldn't sleep, as I was trying to figure out how to plan my day. This morning at 9 we had a follow-up appointment at Mt. Sinai (better known as WTF happened appointment), then I was planning to stop by Hannam Centre to get one blood test out of the way. And I had to get to the office at some point, either before or after the funeral. So, it ended up that I went to the office before as the funeral was scheduled for 2 p.m. and since I had to leave by 1 p.m. and it was around 10am when we were done at Mt. Sinai, I just went straight to the office and skipped Hannam. I'll go there at lunch one day, but I wanted for DH to see that clinic too.

At our appointment, Dr. G acknowledged that we were disappointed, but didn't really say want went wrong. She said that she did give me a small amount of medication due to my young age and the tons of follicles that I had as she did not want to overstimulate. She also said that for the first 6 days they were growing pretty slowly (at which point I was thinking, so why the hell didn't they raise the amount of medication - but i kept my cool - what's the point to argue anyways). She recommended that for the next cycle we don't do BCP (as to not suppress the ovaries, plus I have a regular cycle so that's not a problem), she said we can start again in March. She set the dose at 75IU Menopur plus some other drug, and after I told her that I had a reaction to cetrotide, she switched it to another drug as well. But, I still don't know if I want to do another cycle at Mt. Sinai (unless we can get some funding). I also saw a fellow that did both my retrieval and transfer, and she just passed by - yep, too many patients to remember. I don't know....

The funeral was uneventful - it was very called, so thank G-d, I put pantyhose under my pants and a tank top under my sweater. The only problem - my toes and fingers got frozen. My BIL's grandfather passed away 3 days after my FIL, so they are buried very close together, so today my BIL's grandmother was buried next to her husband, so DH and I went to visit his dad too. I became very emotional as it reminded me of my FIL's funeral almost 6 years ago. How sad. When I got home, I was just tired from not sleeping well, so I had a nap, and thereafter decided to undecorate the christmas tree.

I actually took down all decorations in the house too, and DH moved the tree outside. The house is slowly starting to look normal again. The cleaning lady coming this Saturday (can't wait), so it will be back to normal. The holidays are gone, and hopefully it will take all the bad staff with it. I cannot comprehend how it is possible that after this IVF we have nothing! nothing! I was sooooo sure that we will either have a baby or some frozen embryos, I couldn't even fathom that I would not have anything. Now, I am afraid - what if the 2nd IVF doesn't work, what are we going to do?!? There was a discussion on one of the forums about setting limits on how many IVFs to do. and I like most girls am not able to do it, but what would it take for me to have a baby? My optimism is escaping me today, I guess all I need to do, is read a bit and get my sulking self to bed.

Cats and kittens

I am not going to lie, I am a cat person. I am ok with dogs, but I love cats much more. When I was little I had a male cat and his name was fluffy (if you translate it into English). He was an amazing cat, I could do whatever I wanted with him, and when he died at the age of 3, it was very hard to get over. He was the first living thing I've lost in my life and I cried for months for him (I was 12 years old). When we immigrated to Canada, my sis managed to convince my parents to get a cat (since it is less trouble than dog) and we got a female kitten. She would always sleep in my bed in my legs, and once DH started staying at my house, she would be jealous and would try to push him off :) she would also get up at around 5 am and would start crying so that we open the door to let her out. Oh, how he hated that. She went for a walk one day and never came back, and DH was there to help me through that loss. Since then, I really wanted to have another kitten. My parents had a dog that we brought from Europe so they didn't want anybody else (the dog passed away 2 years ago he was 17 years old)- so my parents do not want another pet (they have fish!). DH and I have been living in our house for over 3 years and I still cannot convince him to get a kitten, and now we have a teen living with us (long story) and he is allergic to cats, so we definitely cannot have one for another 1.5 years. hmmmm. Why am I telling you this? Because, I finally got around to open another gift left over from the New Years that my aunt and uncle gave me - I knew it was a calendar (my sis got an identical one, but hers had destinations on it), and surprise surpirse - mine has cats and kittens - it is sooo adorable, I love it!!! So I have almost 365 pictures of cats and kittens in my house!!! I'll tell you, I felt a bit jealous reading blogs about how cats helped their owners to alleviate pain (both physical and emotional)during the IVF. Oh, well, hopefully I'll have a baby soon, so I will have someone to keep me occupied :) and after that, hopefully be able to convince DH that kids need a pet!

iPhone 4

I got an iPhone 4!!! Well, it was supposed to be a NewYears present from DH, but we've never got around to it, so last night he bought me one. Yei!!! and it's sooo cool. I was playing with his for awhile. My sis, SIL and BIL all have one, and love it. I was hoping blogger would have a nice mobile version to see the dashboard and all your posts, but I can do it through safari - which is a bit painful. If blogger has a mobile version, I can't find it. It's OK, I can send my posts by email, but I prefer to type them up on my PC instead, as the keyboard is much better (and I type with amazing speed - thanks to grade 10 typing! - the most useful course ever in high school!!!). So, I am in a good mood.

Plus, I've done my first 30 min cardio since after IVF, and that helped to improve my mood too, and I figured out how I can connect my iPhone to a TV in the basement to see exercise videos from sparkpeople, so I will start the 4 week boot camp challenge tomorrow. Now we are going to my parents to help them set up Wii, its for my brother (who is 12), but also I want both my parents on it since both of them are overweight (if not obese!).

All in all a great day today!!! I am sending all of you some positive energy!!! Enjoy the weekend!!!

fertility etiquett

I want to thank Krista and Lori B. for posting the article about fertility etiquette. It is funny how we all are in sync with each other. I had an idea for the post which I've been mulling around in my head for some time now, and it is somewhat related to the article that was posted. I've forwarded this article to my sis and SIL, and sis responded: "Wow! I guess everything we do is wrong." Not everything, but it does get to me sometimes. Since I haven't told my friends or my sis or SIL about this blog (this blog is my safe heaven!), there is no point for me to post it here (although, if anyone else wants to read it, I trust Krista or Lori B. would welcome you on their blog).

My sis is a very outgoing person and an extrovert (vs. me who is more shy and a bit introverted)and I do love her and her DH to pieces. They tried for 6 months for the 1st baby and one time for the second (yes, they BDed 1 time, and yours truly actually calculated when they should BD, so I was very happy when she told me she was pregnant - I was the 1st to know, even before my BIL, and was proud in taking a part in it). So she has absolutely no clue on what it feels like to try for years with no results. I am happy that she got the article, as after 2 years of trying when we were not ready for IVF, she was constantly pushing to us to do IVF. And after the fiasco with the first IVF, I guess she and my BIL didn't know how to react (although everybody were very upset).

The day we found out for sure, they asked us to come by their house and spend time with them. My BIL just hugged me a bit longer and kissed my head, and without him saying this I understood that he is sorry and would do anything for us. I've known him longer than I have known my DH. He was a shoulder to cry on for both my sis and me when our mom went into a very early labour (at 27 weeks) and he spent a night at our house consoling both of us. At one Shabbat dinner that we had at their house (before the IVF) they were lighting candles and saying prayers and he asked God for a baby for us, he was so genuine that I almost cried.

But going back to my sis and the day of our bad news - she was trying to make us feel better, we were talking about this and that, and then jokingly she said that she and my SIL were deciding which one of them is going to carry our baby. She repeated it again when our DHs joined the conversation. and that statement hurt me, I told her that there is nothing wrong with me, and the problem is not that I cannot carry a child, but that DH's sperms cannot get to my eggs! That statement really stuck with me, I was quick to rebut her presumption that the problem is with me, too quick. I was thinking later why I had such a reaction, and it made me realize that I am afraid that since we've never gotten to the point of me being pregnant may be on top of DH's problems there are problems with me, and I am more sensitive to the comments regarding me being a problem (although, I have never ever ever blaimed DH for our IF struggles).

I remember in grade 11 or 12 English we had a very peculiar teacher, and I don't remember what we were reading, but he was saying that people make a big deal of issues that they are struggling with. So, if somebody jokingly calls me stupid, I would not be offended, as I know that after graduating from law school at 23 (being the youngest in my year) I think I do have some brains, but try to make a joke about my weight, and I will bite your head off (I've been struggling with weight pretty much all my life). So, my conclusion is that I am insecure about our infertility struggle and am afraid that once we overcome DH's problems we will have other ones with me. I keep telling myself to look around at people who did struggle and now have healthy babies and healthy pregnancies, but it does feel that this constant struggle to get pregnant is now a status quo and are going to continue like this forever. I guess I am depressing myself again. :(

The only good news is that today is Friday!!! and I can really use some sleep this Saturday as this week has been crazy busy at the office (and today is not an exception).

blog commenting and some thoughts

I feel like I have a bipolar disorder or something (not sure if I am using the right term). I am sad one day and happy the other. Well, today I am sad! I guess because I am very tired. Had a long day at the office yesterday, and when I get tired I get upset very easily and cry for no reason. So here we are, today is not a very positive blog, just filled with my doubts. Plus, I think I have a lingering cold, my throat hurts a bit and my ears hurt and are popping too (and my ears usually don't hurt when I have a cold), and because of that I feel a bit dizzy all the time. Yep, that's me whining.

I found that I am addicted to blogging. I've been keeping it up to date with at least one blog per day, and I haven't run out of things to say (as my head is filled with thoughts, doubts, questions, comments etc.), and I usually write a few blog entries as soon as I have a thought in my head, so I can stop thinking about it - like a therapy. I am happy that 6 people decided to publicly acknowledge that they are interested in what is going on with my life. Every time I get an email that I have a comment posted on my blog, it's like opening a little present for me.  So, why do I feel most of the times that my opinion doesn't matter much? I guess when I see a blog where there are already 18 comments, does the writer really want to hear another "congratulation" or "so sorry to hear your bad new". It sucks that for some reason I cannot leave comments from my office computer, so all of the commenting has to wait until the evening. I do tend to leave more comments for people who I am more familiar with (like you) and if I have something to say, but I follow a few more blogs and constantly find second-guessing myself whether the writer really wants to hear from me (mostly after ICLW is over). I guess I do have a low self esteem...  What are you thoughts on blog commenting?

busy bee

I've been very busy emailing back and forth with the new clinic and completing all sorts of forms and questionnaires. The RE responded himself to an email I sent him and copied his staff for different issues. I am SO excited and looking forward to this new experience.

My mantra right now: new year, new clinic, new baby!!!

The only little disappointment is that this RE can only see us on March 9 (although I was assured that we are put on his cancellation list, and he does have some cancellations), but I was hoping to do a cycle in March and to hopefully have a baby in 2011.

I am fortunate that with time my memory does not regain bad memories. Looking back at IVF #1, I will tell you that overall it wasn't a bad experience in terms of physical pain, and I am already looking forward to this new cycle. I know it's going to be different drugs for sure, as the new RE (from a little synopsis that I provided to him of my story) thinks that my low response might have been due to cetrotide, which might be true as all hell broke loose after 2 shots of cetrotide. So, I am being optimistic that next time around we will have lots and lots of eggs.

For now, both DH and I are impressed by the new RE and his office's efficiency. I have almost 20 emails going back and forth.

I also rescheduled an apt with my current RE to next Tuesday. We just want to know what she thinks happened. I don't think that we will continue with Mt. Sinai, but we will make a definitive decision after that appointment.

I do feel optimistic today, and being a busy bee really helps!

Oh Christmas Tree!

Looking back at when I was decorating our Christmas Tree, I was so happy and hopeful. I remember thinking that next year I'll have little someone to decorate the tree with me. I've always loved Christmas trees. We would usually put it up right after Christmas and keep it until the old New Year(January 13th). It always brings happy emotions in me, but not this year. I was surprised when on the 1st of January, I had an urge to take down all the decorations, right then, and I still want to do it. The problem is that we only have Christmas tree pick up next week, and until then it has to be in water, otherwise our entire garage will be filled with needles. I started to analyze my reaction to the Christmas tree that I loved just a week earlier, but I think now it just serves as a painful reminder of what happened on the eve of one of my most favourite holidays. I am still doing much better than I expected (at least not showing it), but now I start to wonder whether the hurt is just too deep inside me. I am not happy and feel depressed and unsatisfied. It is hard to concentrate on anything, including work. I started obsessing about finding a new clinic and new RE and getting on with IVF#2. IVF#1 physically was a walk in the park for me - but emotionally, I think I am more scarred then I let myself know. In the past couple of days the tears are back. I cry in the evening and in bed before falling asleep. That's the time when I am tired and the most vulnerable. It is hard to let go of those crashed hopes...

I wonder when the tone of my posts would be less bitter and more hopeful. I want to feel airy, bubbly and happy. I also want to see everything in colour again not just shades of gray and unseasonably warm but gloomy weather is not helping much.

Adding Insult to Injury

Caution: this post will have TMI!!!

It is day 4 of AF and it is still raging like crazy. It is one of the worst AFs in my life. I usually have it heavy on the first day, then it slows down on day two, almost stops on day 3, and then spotting day 4 and 5. Well, today is day 4 and it is still pretty heavy and chunky (without stopping for a breather on day 3). I guess it was supposed to be a very cozy place for my little embie, as I overheard the doctor saying that my lining was perfect. Yep, too bad it all went to waste! I have also been in pain pretty much for the entire time, but I am holding strong on not taking any medication!

In addition, I am up 2 kg :( I do feel sorry for myself, and that's were the food comes in. I figured myself out, unlike most people, I lose my appetite when I am stressed, but when I am in pain (emotional and/or physical), I start feeling sorry for myself and allow myself the little pleasures of eating chocolates, ice cream and pastry (not the best of foods). And I am not a thin person to begin with. To tell you the truth I am overweight - well, if you look at my BMI, I am on the fence between overweight and "obese" - the word that makes me shiver as I am typing this - unfortunately it is more on obese side of the fence. So, additional kgs are not really helping!

Today, I am starting eating healthy (thanks to sparkpeople.ca) and trying to get more exercise in. I decided to wait a month from ER before starting more vigorous bootcamp exercises. Hopefully AF would subside soon, and I'll feel like a normal human being again.

Changing clinics???

I seem to be losing faith in Mt. Sinai... We were a bit taken aback with our doctor when she was pushing IVF during our initial appointment (without even telling us about IUI). We were both not ready emotionally for such a procedure at that time, and there were other options, including DHs surgery and IUI. Fast forward 1.5 years, and we still had some doubts about the clinic, as there was a feeling that someone screw up during one of our IUIs that was initially turning out to be like a perfect cycle. During our initial appointment re IVF, we were told that based on our test we are perfect candidates for an IVF with ICSI, at that point in the conversation the debate about single vs. two embryos transfer ensued. It turned out that the doctor is a great proponent of a single embryo transfer, and she was telling us about having many frozen embryos after the first cycle which we can later transfer at the fraction of the cost. So that was the prediction... the result - barely 4 follicles, 3 eggs, 2 mature, 1 fertilized - one 3 cell lowest grade embryo transferred on day 3. And during the whole process no one asked for our input. If I would have known what I know right now, I would have asked many more questions during the whole procedure. I know that the amount of medication prescribed to me was very very low. Since I had ovarian reserve count at 30, she was probably afraid of OHSS, but EVERYBODY who we talked to at ER and ET stages at the clinic had over 15 eggs, which begs the question, were we supposed to be consulted and given options with respect to the medication dosage, since going through an IVF cycle is hard physically, emotionally and not the least, financially? I was also concerned that the medication was not adjusted during the monitoring, and all decisions were made by fellows who were doing the u/s, and not by my RE. From what I understand, she only got involved when there was a threat of cancellation - and there is nothing they could have done at that point, my estrogen was rising, so more follicles were developing. I don't know why they decided to trigger when they did, instead of may be waiting for another day for others to catch up (as was mentioned at some point by a fellow). I also understand that Mt. Sinai is a teaching hospital, but with me only having 4 follicles, why was it a fellow doing ER? I am not blaming anybody, but could it have been that one egg was just lost or not collected. And I know that fertilization rate for ICSI is 75% and if out of 3 only 2 were mature, why only 1 fertilized and was of such a poor quality. I know, this rationalizing and blaming is probably part of my healing process, getting over the loss of my little embie who probably was transferred just because there was nothing else left. I am upset about the whole experience, and cannot call it by any other name but a TOTAL DISASTER! The cycle that was almost guaranteed to leave us with baby and a few frozen embies, left us with nothing - just 10K hole in the pocket. I actually liked all the nursing staff at Mt. Sinai they were great and very compassionate. I just think that may be it's too big and too institutionalized and not catered enough to deal with something that goes wrong during a planned cycle. I don't know.... I hate change, I really do and it's hard to know whether what we will get will be better or not. Although a few people I talked to do tell me that efficiency wise Mt. Sinai is at the bottom of their lists, especially during monitoring. Yes, it did suck waiting for an hour for an u/s and seeing people who were 30-60 minutes late taken first as they were first on the list. It also sucked waiting for 30-60 minutes to talk to a nurse, sometimes just to get a prescription. It did bother me somewhat when after allowing over an hour for b/w and u/s, I still had to make up excuses why I was coming in to the office later than usual, but I was prepared to let it go, if I didn't feel being let down by my doctor. May be it is still hormones from drugs and now AF, which is in full force for the third day (and me in a lot of pain and cramping), and that's why I feel like blaming someone, but can I trust them to do better the second time? Is it going to be better the second time around? DH and I are going to discuss it in more detail today and do some research on the other clinics that came highly recommended in Downtown Toronto, and start acting on Monday/Tuesday, as I want to have another cycle as soon as possible. I am soooo ready. We haven't decided yet whether or not we will be going to our follow up appointment with our current RE. Probably we will, but without committing to another cycle with the clinic.

the 1st day of 2011

The New Years Eve did go according to plan (well, mostly). We ended up leaving the dancing at the restaurant at around 2:30 a.m. as my SIL and BIL had to go home as their children were to get up early the next morning (and they were driving all of us), so after that we decided to visit our friends and actually got home around 4:30 a.m and to bed by 5:00 a.m. - in my view this New Years was a success!

Now for much sadder part... Sometime in between decorating the house, watching all the kids meet Santa and his granddaughter and helping the kids with songs, riddles and games, I realized that I was still thinking that by the next New Years I am going to have a 3 month old baby. Even though we did get a BFN, my mind just continued this life which I lived during 2ww - that I am pregnant and there will be a baby, that my little 3 cell grade 5 embie will pull through. I don't think I completely let go of that "life", but I did have to go upstairs a few times during the evening just to pull myself together. Nobody noticed anything. But, when DH and I were alone on a couch, he hugged me and I quietly sobbed on his chest, in his big strong embrace. I couldn't say a toast to say good bye to 2010, as the moment I opened my mouth, my eyes started watering - and there were a few people who don't know what's going on, so the rest of my family just took over. They were sooo sweet. My cousin, who immigrated to Canada in the summer, told us that last New Years eve, she and her DH made a wish, wrote it on a piece of paper, burned it and drank it with their champagne when the clock was striking midnight. So, we all tried to do that - the paper was too thick, it didn't burn properly, so we all were chewing those pieces of paper. You all know what my wish was, but that was also the wish of my entire family, they all ate those stupid pieces of paper just to make sure that we have a better chance in our wish, and I am so grateful to all of them. Nobody brought up the IF and IVF topic though, except for my MIL, she had to mention it just before she was leaving - she had good intention, but that brought me to tears, when there were other people around, which I wasn't that happy about.

Anyways, I guess I am slowly coming to terms with the BFN and failure of our first IVF. AF is in full force and I am in a lot of pain. I usually just pop an Advil in and it all gets better, but after having so much medication in my body for the past month, I am giving it a rest and suffering silently (well not that silent as DH hears a lot about my cramping) plus I got a magic bag that is heating in the microwave right now, and that helps too (both for my kidneys that hurt and cramping). Everybody came back for breakfast at 10 a.m., and now we are just vegetating in front of TV watching all New Years programming from Russia. We might go out tonight to visit our friends, but don't know yet. Just taking it easy and hoping that all the heartbreaks and sorrows were left in 2010.