Panic/Anxiety Attacks

I don't really know if that's what they are called, but I manged to get myself to one yesterday. I didn't have them for a very long time, basically I had them before the wedding, when 3 weeks before the wedding I found out that uhmmm our Rabbi was dying in the hospital, and then that our photographer is sending somebody else instead of him, and that I lost my veil, and the night before the wedding AF showed up (a few days early), and tons of other little organizational things, none of them having to do with me actually wanting to marry my DH, I knew I would marry him 1 month after we started going out, it only took him 4 years to propose :).

And now what caused the feeling that I cannot take a deep breath, feeling like my chest is all constricted and trying to breathe even deeper and getting dizzy and panicky. I started thinking about the second IVF and our dilemma about which clinic to choose. I don't think I trust our RE anymore, I am sooo afraid that even with a bit bigger dose and slightly different mix of meds, it is still not enough, and that the fellows who do u/s would not catch it in time to do something about it. I feel like I blindly trusted my RE with my first IVF and she broke that trust by understimulating me. BUT If we go to a new RE would it be like trying for the first time again? Would he be guessing as well? All I want is to get a decent number of follicles and a decent number of eggs and embies - oh, and of course a baby (or two). Nobody can guarantee that.

I was so confident getting into the first IVF never even considering that it might not work, and now I am scared. What if... What if it doesn't work AGAIN what are we going to do? Try and try again... I was so ready to dive into the 2nd IVF as soon as I got a BFN but this waiting game is playing tricks with my mind and my confidence in this IVF ever succeeding. It feels that this always searching, trying, hoping for a baby is the status quo and would remain this way. It has been so long now, as we are going into our 5th year of trying. Our friends and everybody we know are getting pregnant, giving birth, getting pregnant again and giving birth to their second children, they talk about day cares, schools, changing the nursery to a toddler room, and we are still at square one - a family of 2.

My BIL called today, and asked if we can find a space to put a crib, a chest and a changing table as their kids are now outgrown this furniture, and it is bad luck to keep it in our house (and I am superstitious too). Both DH's brother and my sis are waiting (somewhat impatiently) for us to have kids so that they can unload tones of boxes and drawers full of baby staff that they've been storing for years now, and it is just not happening. We don't store anything for our future baby in our house, but if you come into our house you would think that we have a kid or two, as it is full of toys which our nephews and niece have brought over for the last couple of years, we even have four little plastic chairs for them so that they can sit down and watch TV. We love them, but when they leave the house is quiet again. All I want is to have baby sounds in my house too, the cries, the laughter, to have somebody call me "mommy" and come to me to make all the things better. All I want is a baby....please.