Looking back at when I was decorating our Christmas Tree, I was so happy and hopeful. I remember thinking that next year I'll have little someone to decorate the tree with me. I've always loved Christmas trees. We would usually put it up right after Christmas and keep it until the old New Year(January 13th). It always brings happy emotions in me, but not this year. I was surprised when on the 1st of January, I had an urge to take down all the decorations, right then, and I still want to do it. The problem is that we only have Christmas tree pick up next week, and until then it has to be in water, otherwise our entire garage will be filled with needles. I started to analyze my reaction to the Christmas tree that I loved just a week earlier, but I think now it just serves as a painful reminder of what happened on the eve of one of my most favourite holidays. I am still doing much better than I expected (at least not showing it), but now I start to wonder whether the hurt is just too deep inside me. I am not happy and feel depressed and unsatisfied. It is hard to concentrate on anything, including work. I started obsessing about finding a new clinic and new RE and getting on with IVF#2. IVF#1 physically was a walk in the park for me - but emotionally, I think I am more scarred then I let myself know. In the past couple of days the tears are back. I cry in the evening and in bed before falling asleep. That's the time when I am tired and the most vulnerable. It is hard to let go of those crashed hopes...
I wonder when the tone of my posts would be less bitter and more hopeful. I want to feel airy, bubbly and happy. I also want to see everything in colour again not just shades of gray and unseasonably warm but gloomy weather is not helping much.
It's normal to feel that way, but I'm sorry you are having a hard time. Believe me, after my first IVF cycle failed & after all of my losses, I went through dark times. I never thought I would feel hopeful again, but I am much more hopeful again. It will take some time. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteIt takes time....just let yourself feel what you need to feel right now. In no time you'll feel like your old cheery/hopeful self again. Take the time you need though.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you're feeling this way but I would urge you not to expect too much of yourself right now. You have every right to feel (and therefore post) bitter and gloomy after going through this loss.
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