Is it Bad to be Happy?

This afternoon I was walking outside. It was pretty cold, but I was all bundled up, and it was sunny, plus I had just received good news - time 3! and I was happy. Yes, I actually felt happy for the first time in a long time. Of course, the thoughts crept it right away that I cannot be happy as I'll jinx it, it can't happen that I get all those good news, something has to not go right. It was hard to get rid of those bad thoughts, and I was thinking about Sex & the City - the movie, where Charlotte got pregnant and she was afraid that something bad would happen, but nothing did, and she gave birth to a healthy baby, but this is a movie... Would I ever just be happy for little victories in our infertility journey?

But, I should probably start from the beginning. I was schedule for a bunch of u/s and SHG today. I was told to drink 1l of water 1 hour before. I actually had 750 mil (1.5 bottles) and I was in so much pain when I got to the clinic that I couldn't sit down and had to complete all the forms standing up (another couple that was there, did look at me funny :) ). The tech was a very nice woman and she did comment that my bladder was very full (so I decided for the next time, all I am drinking is 1 bottle). She did an abdominal u/s, then told me to empty my bladder (which turned out to be a very hard task), so when I got back for the vaginal u/s she was still seeing lots of liquid, but thankfully for me she carried on. She also did u/s of my kidneys (that I don't remember ever being done at the other clinic). Then I was told to go have something to eat, take 2 Advils and come back in about 2 hours. So what did I do, I went for a walk in the mall (Eaton's Centre - for those who are familiar with TO). When I got back for SHG, I found out that Dr. H himself would be doing SHG - nice bonus. He was amazing, as I did it about 3 years ago at another clinic, and with Dr. H it was a breeze. He said that everything looked very good - both tubes are nice and clear, and the uterus is just waiting for a baby (Good News #1). Then he said that he got the results of my AMH test - and I have tons of eggs (I don't remember the number that he was saying, but apparently it is higher than average) (so Good News #2). I SHOULD NOT have any issues with my eggs. He said that we would have to play it safe to make sure I don't get too many. To which I replied that I don't want him playing it too safe as the last time around playing safe gave us very poor results. He said that will talk about it on Monday in more detail.

Then, I asked Dr. H if we got DNA fragmentation results back for DH. He said that he didn't, but then he looked at the file and he just got it this morning! He said that they want to see the lower % and that it is usually around 15%. Well DH had 10%!!! Which supposed to be very good (Yei!!! Good News #3). I called DH as soon as I got out of the room (and texted both my sis and SIL).

So, all the good news, did bring some hope back that IVF #2 might actually work. I am trying not to be too optimistic. I guess my thinking is if my expectations are not very high then it is not going to be too bad to fall down (if it doesn't work). But I so want to believe that it will work and I want to be happy ALL the time.

And by the way, we decided to go away for a week, subject to whatever Dr. H says on Monday. That's the reason why I haven't entered ICLW this time around, as I will be gone for the majority of that week (hopefully). I am just fed up with this winter. The sunny days are scarce and I am always cold (well most of the time). I was wearing a nice wool sweater today as it was over -20C with windchill and I knew that I would be walking outside to get to the clinic, although I found an underground PATH to 1 block from the clinic. Yei!!!