Not my normal day

I am feeling a bit down again, and lazy, so lazy that I didn't even type a post yesterday. Just spent the evening vegetating in front of the TV again yesterday. I wasn't commenting much either. My ivf.ca forum for November/December IVF turned into pregnancy discussions and I feel a bit resentful and self-pity, so I decided to skip it for now.

Today turned out to be a very stressful day. It started last night, when my sis called me and told me that her husband's grandmother passed away. The fact is that she's been with her DH for over 12 years now, and we are very close to his family. They were there when my FIL passed away almost 6 years ago.

In Jewish tradition when a person passes away he or she should be buried within 24 hours, unless it is Shabbat. So I knew that the funeral is going to be today. I couldn't sleep, as I was trying to figure out how to plan my day. This morning at 9 we had a follow-up appointment at Mt. Sinai (better known as WTF happened appointment), then I was planning to stop by Hannam Centre to get one blood test out of the way. And I had to get to the office at some point, either before or after the funeral. So, it ended up that I went to the office before as the funeral was scheduled for 2 p.m. and since I had to leave by 1 p.m. and it was around 10am when we were done at Mt. Sinai, I just went straight to the office and skipped Hannam. I'll go there at lunch one day, but I wanted for DH to see that clinic too.

At our appointment, Dr. G acknowledged that we were disappointed, but didn't really say want went wrong. She said that she did give me a small amount of medication due to my young age and the tons of follicles that I had as she did not want to overstimulate. She also said that for the first 6 days they were growing pretty slowly (at which point I was thinking, so why the hell didn't they raise the amount of medication - but i kept my cool - what's the point to argue anyways). She recommended that for the next cycle we don't do BCP (as to not suppress the ovaries, plus I have a regular cycle so that's not a problem), she said we can start again in March. She set the dose at 75IU Menopur plus some other drug, and after I told her that I had a reaction to cetrotide, she switched it to another drug as well. But, I still don't know if I want to do another cycle at Mt. Sinai (unless we can get some funding). I also saw a fellow that did both my retrieval and transfer, and she just passed by - yep, too many patients to remember. I don't know....

The funeral was uneventful - it was very called, so thank G-d, I put pantyhose under my pants and a tank top under my sweater. The only problem - my toes and fingers got frozen. My BIL's grandfather passed away 3 days after my FIL, so they are buried very close together, so today my BIL's grandmother was buried next to her husband, so DH and I went to visit his dad too. I became very emotional as it reminded me of my FIL's funeral almost 6 years ago. How sad. When I got home, I was just tired from not sleeping well, so I had a nap, and thereafter decided to undecorate the christmas tree.

I actually took down all decorations in the house too, and DH moved the tree outside. The house is slowly starting to look normal again. The cleaning lady coming this Saturday (can't wait), so it will be back to normal. The holidays are gone, and hopefully it will take all the bad staff with it. I cannot comprehend how it is possible that after this IVF we have nothing! nothing! I was sooooo sure that we will either have a baby or some frozen embryos, I couldn't even fathom that I would not have anything. Now, I am afraid - what if the 2nd IVF doesn't work, what are we going to do?!? There was a discussion on one of the forums about setting limits on how many IVFs to do. and I like most girls am not able to do it, but what would it take for me to have a baby? My optimism is escaping me today, I guess all I need to do, is read a bit and get my sulking self to bed.