the 1st day of 2011

The New Years Eve did go according to plan (well, mostly). We ended up leaving the dancing at the restaurant at around 2:30 a.m. as my SIL and BIL had to go home as their children were to get up early the next morning (and they were driving all of us), so after that we decided to visit our friends and actually got home around 4:30 a.m and to bed by 5:00 a.m. - in my view this New Years was a success!

Now for much sadder part... Sometime in between decorating the house, watching all the kids meet Santa and his granddaughter and helping the kids with songs, riddles and games, I realized that I was still thinking that by the next New Years I am going to have a 3 month old baby. Even though we did get a BFN, my mind just continued this life which I lived during 2ww - that I am pregnant and there will be a baby, that my little 3 cell grade 5 embie will pull through. I don't think I completely let go of that "life", but I did have to go upstairs a few times during the evening just to pull myself together. Nobody noticed anything. But, when DH and I were alone on a couch, he hugged me and I quietly sobbed on his chest, in his big strong embrace. I couldn't say a toast to say good bye to 2010, as the moment I opened my mouth, my eyes started watering - and there were a few people who don't know what's going on, so the rest of my family just took over. They were sooo sweet. My cousin, who immigrated to Canada in the summer, told us that last New Years eve, she and her DH made a wish, wrote it on a piece of paper, burned it and drank it with their champagne when the clock was striking midnight. So, we all tried to do that - the paper was too thick, it didn't burn properly, so we all were chewing those pieces of paper. You all know what my wish was, but that was also the wish of my entire family, they all ate those stupid pieces of paper just to make sure that we have a better chance in our wish, and I am so grateful to all of them. Nobody brought up the IF and IVF topic though, except for my MIL, she had to mention it just before she was leaving - she had good intention, but that brought me to tears, when there were other people around, which I wasn't that happy about.

Anyways, I guess I am slowly coming to terms with the BFN and failure of our first IVF. AF is in full force and I am in a lot of pain. I usually just pop an Advil in and it all gets better, but after having so much medication in my body for the past month, I am giving it a rest and suffering silently (well not that silent as DH hears a lot about my cramping) plus I got a magic bag that is heating in the microwave right now, and that helps too (both for my kidneys that hurt and cramping). Everybody came back for breakfast at 10 a.m., and now we are just vegetating in front of TV watching all New Years programming from Russia. We might go out tonight to visit our friends, but don't know yet. Just taking it easy and hoping that all the heartbreaks and sorrows were left in 2010.