Scared...

On Friday I was looking through time dockets on a file that I've been working on for the past 2 months, and I noticed that there were no dockets entered for my time on December 14 and 15, and I don't remember seeing anything that was done on those days. I was trying to calculate in my mind when was the last time I took a vacation, and then it dawned on me - those were the days that I took off for ER! Yep, now it seems like it was so so long ago, but the feelings from it still lurk in my mind - the ghosts of the first IVF cycle!

I have been very impatient waiting for our protocol with a new RE, but I am scared, scared that the new protocol would not work for me, scared that we would have to cancel the cycle, scared that we are not going to have a baby. Yep, lots of ghosts. It is scary how my attitude is completely different from the first to the second cycle. I guess the first IVF opened my eyes a bit. I DO have to be proactive! I DO have to question my RE regarding his/her decisions. I have to do my own research.

I was told DH that I am scared and he questioned me whether I am scared of going through the cycle itself i.e. scared of pain of injections, growing follicles, ER and ET, or scared of the result i.e. not having a baby. I was surprised that he even thought of the former. I assured him that even if I had to jab myself with 10 needles every hour 24 hours a day, and do ER without any anaesthesia, I would do it over and over again, as long as we have a baby at the end, and that I am only afraid of having an empty uterus - AGAIN. He told me not to worry and that we will do everything that it takes to have this baby, as many IVFs as needed and all alternative medicine that can potentially help. That did make me feel better a bit.

I am also scared going through sonohysterogram on Tuesday (the 8th), I've done it before (about 3 years ago), but I was on Clomid a few months thereafter, plus 2 medicated IUI and of course, a whole bunch of medication for IVF, so I am just praying that everything is going to be picture perfect. I will post results on Tuesday after it is all done.

I also have been very tired lately. Last night (Friday), I went to bed at 9:30p.m., which is REALLY early for me as I usually get home right around that time, but as it was Friday, I was home by 7 p.m. and by that time was already ready for bed. I slept for 12 hours and got up to go to a gravity circuit class (which was AMAZING as always). And now it is almost 7 p.m. and I am again felling like I can just go to sleep for the night (although DH has plans to go to a movie - really don't feel like it now, but I guess would have to go to make him happy). I am very surprised at being so tired all the time, I am not pregnant (AF finished not so long ago, and we are not allowed to BD until after SHG) and I am taking more vitamins, much more vitamins, so I should be feeling great, but I am not. We'll see what the next week brings.