11dp5dt - not much hope

It's been almost a week since my last post.

With the help of all of my e-friends, I decided not to POAS and I am in peace with that decision. The anxiety is gone.

I've been very busy at work last week as on Friday, July 1, was Canada Day - meaning a long weekend!!! Yeah!!! But, before I had to finish all the last minute things. So, Thursday was a 14 hour day. Friday, we went to my parents. We were supposed to go to a farm that our family friends bought, but the traffic was at a stand still, so we decided to go for a picnic. We bought food and headed to the park, well.... after not even finding a free shade to put our butts down, we ended up spending our afternoon at my parents' house eating the food we bought and just relaxing. My mom and my brother left for Cuba Saturday morning, so it was nice to spend the entire day with them. Later on Friday we went to a friend's house for bbq as a couple of our friends came from the States. Saturday, against my wishes DH invited everyone to our house for breakfast, and I was not in the greatest of the moods, although thereafter we all decided to actually go somewhere and with my sis' family and my SIL's family went to Cobourg (which is about 1.5 hour drive from TO). There was a festival there too, so tons of people, but we did find a spot on the beach and my BIL had a nice tent were we could all relax with my niece and nephews running around :). The weather was nice too, it was very warm (I believe around 30C), but the wind was cold, and together it was very nice. I tried to follow my mom's advice not to walk a lot, and stayed put most of the time.

Today has been a total leisure day. Even though first time I woke up around 6 a.m. I was drifting back to sleep on and off until about 11 a.m. and then DH & I just cuddled for some time in bed (remember no BD after transfer) :) Then we just watched TV for a while and in the meantime I did a few loads of laundry and washed dishes - nothing major. The cleaning lady was in on Friday and the house is spotless. Well, almost, since we did have everyone over for breakfast yesterday. And for the last few hours, I've been on the computer catching up.

During last week there were a lot of times when I was really bloated and had a feeling similar to how I was feeling just before ER - a lot of fullness in my ovaries and lower tummy. It even hurt a bit to walk. Now that bloating is almost gone. I do feel constant pulling and cramping in my uterus and in my ovaries, but have no idea what it is. The worst thing is that I have shooting pain in my ovaries, especially if I do something sudden. Yesterday, I stepped on a little twig, I reacted suddenly and then got a shooting pain in my ovary which made me bend over in pain. Today, it was me sneezing that also ended in me screaming out in pain so loud that DH jumped in his chair next to me. I don't know if it is good, bad or ugly.

My last PIO shot was on Friday. Notwithstanding what the nurse said, I did manage to get exactly 10 of 1 ml doses from a 10ml bottle. Since the PIO shots were done, I think my symptoms are getting less noticeable. I still have a slightly sore bbs. I do feel somewhat nauseous some times (but that I was feeling even when I wasn't pregnant). Another new thing that I forgot to mention before is that I wake up to pee around 5:30 or 6 a.m. even BEFORE my alarm, but since I measure my temp every morning, I would not get up until closer to the time when I need to take my temp. I don't know if that has something to do with pregnancy symptoms (not able to sleep through the night without getting up to pee), or is it just due to it being summer and me drinking much more as it is pretty warm outside. I don't know.

Overall, sometimes in the last week when the mundane things took over and symptoms were not as pronounced, I lost hope... I don't know if it is just my coping mechanism clicked in, with us having experienced so many disappointments that I just prepare myself for the worse. In my mind I understand that it can go either way, I want to believe that this is it for now, and we will finally getting what we've been seeking for the past 4.5 years, but the other side of me tells me to be realistic - it hasn't happened before - why would it happen now?

I have been taking it easy physically wise, but I haven't been talking to my babies much in the last week. I told this to DH and he thinks the same way as me. We both had our share of disappointments to last a long time. The only ray of hope that I got is another blogger who has been with me (and I with her) since my and her IVF journey begun last year, just got her BFP in the frozen transfer after a heartbreaking journey of OHSS and FETs - may be it is a sign that it will finally happen to us too. I sure hope so... but for now I have the rest of today and three more days to wait for our answer.

I was breaking my brain on what to do on BETA day to get the news with DH. During IUI's I would promise DH that I would call (thinking that I would not call him if it good news as I want to tell him in person), get the call myself in the afternoon and call him right away with bad news. With both of our IVF's I POASed so we knew the results before getting the call. This time around, I don't want to POAS and I don't want to take the call and not tell him until I see him in person, so I think what we will do is that I will let the call go to voice-mail, take the first train home and we will listen to it together - good, bad or ugly - we will be together, and deal with it together. Although, as I said, not really holding my breath.