FET # 2.1 the countdown has begun!!!

I don't know why I just put three exclamation points in the heading. I am not that excited about this FET. I guess I was so emotionally involved with the one that was cancelled that when it was cancelled, there were no emotions left.  It is actually double hard this time as I got a bit busy with my own business, I don't have any time to relax in the evenings as everyone wants something from me ASAP, so I work (or pretend to work, when I am too tired). Plus I am trying to spend every waking moment with my LO, which is also hard as I have had evening and weekend client meeting and worked late most nights this week.

In addition, I didn't expect it to be so soon. I had the surgery on the 4th and AF was not supposed to start until 4-6 weeks later, so I wasn't paying much attention and then one day BUM and I got my period, late on Monday, October 21, 2013, it had been just a bit over 2 weeks from the surgery and the entire cycle was only 25 days!  So I called in my Day 1 and was at a clinic bright and early on Wednesday, October 23.  Everything looked good and I started estrace - 2 blue pills twice a day.  I still have the  same struggles with having those pills stay put (I even had one fall out as I was bending to put another one. Ugh.

Well, when I talked to the nurse on October 23, she wanted to bring me in on October 31 (Day 11), but since the whole fiasco with the last FET I asked if she can bring me earlier, and she did. So after taking estrace for roughly a week, I was back in the clinic on Wednesday, October 30.  For some reason I was very nervous and was fidgeting waiting to speak with the nurse.  Luckily everything was fine.  My lining was at 0.9 cm the thinnest it has ever been, and the ovaries are quiet and that's what they like to see.  I started prometrium today and the transfer is going to be on Monday November 4!!!

It is happening soon, and I have such mixed feeling about it.  Trying to see if it is worst then when I didn't know that BFP is possible and real. I have this conviction that FET worked for me and it is going to work this time as well. But..... there are always "what ifs".  What if the embryos don't survive the thaw, what if we will not get pregnant..... Would be go for more testing and possibly back to IUIs as we cannot afford an IVF with my business just starting and DH's business not doing all that great and with the LO in daycare. Ugh.... I do try to push those thoughts aside, but they come to me when I have a few moments to be one-on-one with my thoughts.  How can I stay positive?  It's hard but I should. But then, if it is meant to be, it is going to be notwithstanding my thoughts.

Anyways, going to relax a bit for the first time this week.  It has been raining all day, and I had a late client meeting so didn't see my LO in the costume.  By the time I got home DH & LO already finished their trick or treating venture which lasted a whole of 15 min as the rain got much worse with strong winds.  LO and I just stayed home where we were giving out candies to the brave children who ventured outdoors. It's was raining on Halloween last year too.  Hopefully next year we can go trick or treating with our more than one child :)

Hysteroscopy... and more waiting

Sooo, I had my hysteroscopy on Friday (October 4). I just refer to it as surgery as it was a surgery with all bells and whistles. I was scared... not of the surgery itself, but of being put under general anesthetics. I have never been totally out for an operation before (well, actually I was but I was 3 or 4 years old, so I don't remember). I couldn't comprehend how I can be aware of everything one minute and then be asleep the next and then wake up.... scary.... as I do have certain phobias which are not the topic of this post.

The day before the surgery, I called the hospital to get the time for the surgery, and was told to arrive by 10 a.m. I was a bit nervous as that hospital is located across the city and we had to take the highway which at that time is almost always at a standstill. In the morning after sending DS to daycare (with lots of kisses and hugs from mommy) we checked Dr. Google which said that the trip would take 37 min in current traffic. I was thinking: "No Way! More like an hour and 37 min" We left just before 9 a.m. and headed South. Surprise, surpirse, the trip actually did take 37 min, well probably close to 40 min but still not bad.

There were no people in the registration area and we got registered pretty quickly.  I did not have anything to eat since the night before and nothing to drink since we left the house (or even just before that).  I also had to take a drug (vaginally) that helped my uterus to open up so the doctor can take a look.  That drug caused some cramping and light bleeding but nothing stronger than regular menstrual cramps, so I was somewhat ok. We were told to go upstairs and wait in the surgery waiting room, and so we did with tons of other people, for over an hour (or closer to 1.5 hours) until I was taken by a nurse.  She gave me gowns to change, took my blood pressure and went over some questions. Then the fun started.  She said that she needed to take my blood, and I told her that my veins are not the best, plus I have not had any food or water in a while which makes the situation even worse. She was touching both of my arms and decided to proceed with my left arm. I wasn't looking what she was doing but she did not get any blood.  I told her that usually if the arms don't work I get blood taken from my hand with a butterfly needle. She liked the veins on my hands but said that there are no butterfly needles on this floor. For some reason, she put in a small tube for IV in my hand and that didn't work for an IV, but she used the same hole to take blood. She suggested that I get an IV in the OR and we parted ways. I went back into the hallway to meet DH.

We didn't wait long until me and some other patients were called by another nurse who was escorting us to the surgery. We past a waiting room, and the nurse said that in that waiting room our significant others would be waiting for us after the surgery and that after the surgery is completed, the patient is going to be wheeled pass that waiting room so that significant other can follow into the recovery room. So we continued going and came into the third waiting room. Oei.....

I was bored out of my mind, but what was upsetting are the little children that were also waiting for their surgeries. There was this girl who was about 3 years old as she had her paci, and she continued to cry that she was hungry and wanted to eat, and her mommy and daddy tried to explain to her that she needed an empty stomach for the doctor to do the surgery.  I had tears in my eyes. I was just hoping that they would take her soon so she would stop suffering. Other kids were a bit older and understood everything, but she was too young to understand. I kept thinking about DS and how I wouldn't be able to explain that to him either and that made me even more sad...

I wasn't taken until about 12:40 p.m.  The nurse that took me told DH that he can grab something to eat for 20 min and wait in another waiting room (which was wrong, as the doctor was supposed to come out to that waiting room, and since he was in another waiting room, he didn't talk to the doctor and neither did I since she was in another surgery when I woke up).  I was very nervous. When the put wires on me, I could hear my fast heartbeat.  The room was very bright and for some reason it did have a bit of a calming effect.  The anesthesiologist actually was from former USSR and also spoke Russian :) He had no problem putting the IV into my hand. I told him that I was very scared and he said that he is going to give me something to make me drowsy.  I remember him, the doctor and the nurse joking about him putting vodka in my IV and him saying that even though it is believed that Russians are great drinkers people in some other European countries can hold their liquor even better. All I remember laughing at that joke and turning my head to look at the nurse who was holding my mask to tell her that I am feeling a bit drowsy, and I was out. The next thing I remember is opening my eyes and seeing a nurse. I told her that she had three eyes as I had double vision. She put something warm on me and I felt back asleep. When I woke up next I was more alert. The same nurse asked me if she had three eyes :) I looked at the clock and it was around 2 p.m. in another 30 min I was wheeled into recovery room with DH. We were lucky as we got a private room (which they only have one or two).  We only stayed there until about 3 - 3:30 p.m. as I had no difficulty drinking and holding in an entire glass of water and going to the washroom thereafter.  I was feeling a bit groggy but otherwise not much pain.

We did have a company over that evening, and had to go to a birthday party on Saturday, so I didn't get much rest. When Monday came, I got very busy at the office (surprisingly things picked up a bit in my practice - knock on wood). So I had no time to rest.  I did call the office of my surgeon and the nurse said that she is in surgeries all days until Thursday.  I asked if she can check in my file what happened during the surgery, and she told me that yes, a polyp was removed.  So at least this whole ordeal was worth it.

Last night I emailed my RE to find out if he wants to change anything with my protocol for FET. I told him that it is not urgent and he didn't reply as of yet.  I have had light bleeding and it only is starting to die down now.  I went to a swimming class with DS so used a tampon just in case.

So now I am just waiting.... waiting for the bleeding to stop completely.... waiting to talk to the surgeon.... waiting for an email from my RE.... waiting for AF to start and waiting to call in my Day 1 to get FET#2.1 on the road.

FET #2 - biopsy, lining check, CANCELLED!

I had my biopsy on September 12th.  I got an email from the clinic saying that I should have a full bladder, but being miss "know it all", I decided that I am not going to have a full bladder (just drank half of what I would drink for a full bladder) as I didn't want to be uncomfortable for the biopsy as it was painful enough last time. Well... surprise, surprise... there was a reason for a full bladder as now they are doing u/s guided biopsy... Oops.  The tech decided that my bladder was filled enough and decided to proceed with what she had.  I don't know about others, but the prep part for me hurts much more than the actual biopsy. As last time, it was very painful and I was all sweating from pain (it only lasted like 5 minutes, but it felt much longer). And that was with me taking 2 advils an hour before the biopsy. By the time the doc was doing the scraping part, I didn't feel any pain. I am thinking that my uterus is positioned weirdly somehow as most doctors and nurses have trouble putting a catheter in. I should ask my RE if that can contribute to our IF.  Just a thought.... 

 She said that I may have a bit of bleeding and cramping, but I actually am bleeding like 2nd day of AF. I could only go through this the second time around, as I know that it helped and will help me get my little miracles settled in.

My lining check was on September 18th.  Why can't I be like a normal person?  My lining was 1.6 cm.  The nurse said that they want to see it at least 0.8 cm and this is double. She sounded pleased, but I told her that it might be too thick.   I remember after the failed IVF cycle, my RE said that one of the reasons it failed might have been thick lining.  Last time one day earlier my lining was at 1.1 cm (I don't think it could have grown half a cm in a day, so I think it was much thinner during last FET cycle).  She checked my thick file and at the time of trigger for unsuccessful IVF my lining was 1.3 cm.  She didn't know if my RE had a maximum size of lining (I guess it has never come up!!!) So I told her to talk to my RE and if he has any doubts about this cycle, I would rather cancel and start from the beginning. Ugh....  Later that day got an email and talked to my nurse.  The situation was even worse than I expected.  They also suspect that I have a polyp in uterus and are referring me for a hysteroscopy. I am to take 1 estrace pill orally and 2 progesterone pills orally a day for the next 10 days to bring in AF.  I am feeling very weird thinking about where I put those drugs before and now putting them in my mouth.  


The end result, until I am done with hysteroscopy I cannot call in my day 1.  Oh well.... as I say myself - whatever happens, happens for a reason.

I was lucky enough that I got in to see a OBGYN surgeon this week Tuesday (September 24th). Although her office is on the other end of the City, she turned out to be a very nice lady. She managed to get me a surgery date for October 4th, and since the perfect timing for hysteroscopy is best done just AFTER a period she told me to stop all my meds early. I have been heavily spotting anyways and just waiting for the full flow. Good news is that earlier today I got the full flow, so with hysteroscopy completed, I can start the next FET procedure with my next AF. Hoping not to jinx myself by saying that.  I guess I'll update more after the surgery.  My only fear is going under general anesthetics.  I haven't been fully out for a surgery before (well, I have been but I was like 3 or 4 years old so I don't remember), and all other procedures were done with conscious sedation.

FET # 2 - Day 3

It's been a busy weekend, and I didn't even get a chance to get to a computer. So here is a rundown of what happened with our FET #2.

AF was supposed to be on Friday (September 6), but it actually started on Saturday (September 7). I was a bit pissed that it was delayed, but it actually turned out for the best.  I just checked and my FET #1 also started on the 6th day of the month (June 6). When I was completely sure that it was actually AF and not just spotting, I confirmed with DH that we ARE proceeding and thereafter called in my Day 1 (while DS was taking a nap).  Well... it didn't all sink in, until on Sunday morning DH showed me a missed call on his cell phone which was from the clinic and a voice mail message advising me to come in for Day 3 b/w and u/s.

Day 3 was this morning.  I got up extra early to travel Downtown to the clinic. As I work for myself now, I am used to getting DS ready in the morning and after having breakfast with DH getting to the office.  My office is in DH's office as I decided that I am not productive at home, but we usually take two cars as I leave a bit earlier to pick up DS from daycare.  Anyways, this morning I kissed the monitor as I  was leaving as DS was still sound asleep.  I don't like it when I don't see him in the morning, but it is all for a good cause (I keep telling this to myself to quiet down my self-guilt).

It was a bit weird to be back in the clinic, to be waiting for b/w, u/s and then to talk to the nurse.  I can't describe the feeling. It is like nothing has changed and I am transported back two years ago, when there was no hope in sight.  And then I glance at my cell phone and see a photo of DS that was taken just a few days ago.  His amazing smile and big blue eyes, and I remind myself that it is so worth it.  We are trying to give DS the best gift that we can give him (beside our unconditional love), a sibling.

The b/w and u/s went without a hitch.  Then when I got to see the nurse, the clinic was so busy that there was not a spare office, so we briefly talked in the little changing room. To tell you the truth, I didn't mind. She told me that my u/s looked good, told me to buy drugs, and that she will get in touch with me with scheduled biopsy and lining check.

She just did. I got an email from her -  everything looks good, so I am ready to proceed. And 2 little pills are already in me. :)  Biopsy is this week on the 12th and the lining check is on the 18th.  I am dreading the biopsy as last time it was not a fun experience (you can read about it here), but I also contribute our success in part to a biopsy so I have to just do it.

I am BACK

I am back on the roller coaster of this TTC world.  Can't say I missed it...

We had our "initial" consultation on the 21st. It was short and sweet. We waited for the RE for some time, when he came in he watched the video and some pics of DS and signed the protocol for our FET (exactly the same as I had last time).  Then we waited some more and our new nurse came in (unfortunately for me the nurse that I had last time got promoted and is overseeing all the nurses, so she is not dealing directly with patients). It turned out that I had to do an u/s and SHG.  With some convincing of the nurse, I managed to squeeze it in during this cycle so we can start FET with my next cycle in September.  They prefer to have it done in the first 10 days after AF, and I was on day 14.  I told her that there is no chance I can be pregnant since we didn't BD this month. Makes sense, right? Anyways, u/s was scheduled for this Tuesday and SHG for this Wednesday.  Both were done and over with very quickly - that's why I love my clinic, when it comes to procedures they are usually on time!  The end result - I am cleared to proceed!!! YEI!!!

I have very weird feeling about this whole TTC journey.  I really do want to have a baby, but I so don't want to get on this roller coaster again. Ugh!!!! Why can't it be easy, ooops I am pregnant. Not in this world and not for me.... I am so so so grateful for DS. He is my love, my life and my everything.  He is worth every tear and pain that I went through in 5 years prior to his birth. I have to keep reminding myself that it is all worth it. I am getting lots of questions in my mind, lots of "what ifs".  What if FET doesn't work, what next?  We are in a very shitty financial situation right now and would be borrowing money to pay for FET, but that's going to be between $2,500 to $3,000 with meds.  We are looking at completely different numbers if we have to do IVF.  I feel sad when I know that DS would like something and we cannot buy it for him cause it is not essential.  Don't get me wrong, we don't save on him.  He goes to day care full time, and he loves it!!! We take him to different places every weekend. I signed him up for baby gymnastics (cause his teacher at day care said he really enjoys it) and swimming. That's on our time, plus he has baby yoga and music at day care that we pay a bit extra for. I am just also afraid how with the new baby, DS is not going to be the centre of our universe. Or can the universe have two centres? But that's getting ahead of myself.

My main worry right now is that the clinic will fail to deliver.  I had left with a good feeling 2 years ago, but things do change with time.  There are many new faces, and I am just worried that something is going to go wrong.  I am usually such an optimist, but not when it comes to IF world.  I guess only time will tell...

So now, just waiting to call in my Day 1, estimated September 6 or in about a week.  Stay tuned...

TTC # 2

I haven't been on here much lately, but I do religiously check the blogs I follow. It is interesting how the lives of people I follow change and a lot of them just stop writing. I know it's hard with a little one (or two - in most cases) at home to find time to sit and document everything. I have been meaning to update our family blog too since the beginning of the summer but that dragged on as well and we are now in August and I don't have a single post since June 1st.

August brings with it our "initial" appointment with RE on August 21. I did send in a referral at the beginning of the summer. I have mixed feelings about this appointment.  We have not been protecting since DS was 6 months (September 2012). I have used ovulation tests, but after DS was born I know exactly when I am ovulating as I feel period like cramps and am bloated. We do try to BD around those days, but no natural miracle so far and I doubt it is going to happen.

The pain and disappointment of the 5 years before DS was born is still with me, and I so don't want to live through that nightmare again. Moreover, now I cannot just think about myself, I have to think about DS, he needs his mommy, full of energy, mommy who can run with him and play games, and provide for him. I am dreading stepping on that IF roller-coaster once again, but don't see any other alternative. We really want a sibling for DS, I really want to feel another baby developing inside me, to feel this form of love that only parents can feel towards their children, to breastfeed again...  So notwithstanding anything, we are starting this crazy journey again with hopes that if we can just recreate the last FET, it would not be a long one, but who knows what awaits us ahead.

13 months and Update!

I can't believe that my baby is 13 months old already. The time surely flies. What have we been up to? Well, I returned back to work at the beginning of January (when LO was only 9.5 months old).  I've been working long hours and weekends since 1998, and I didn't expect having such a hard time adjusting back to work after 10 month break.  It was hard and emotionally exhausting.  I talked to my boss to cut my hours, and we both agreed that it would not work; however, he allowed me to continue working until the end of March at reduced hours (reduced hours for me where 7:30a.m. to 5 p.m.). The transition of my work to the new guy dragged into April, but I am happy to say that last week I finally was able to stay home, and spent time on my computer looking for work.

The LO is doing amazing. He is in home daycare and loves it. At 13 months he has 9 teeth, he walks, crawls, points his finger at objects, plays with the sorter taking shapes out and putting them back in (although not in the right way). He is the only reason I survived at my work. When I am in a bad mood I look at the photo of him on my phone smiling his infectious smile with big blue eyes, and everything else is not important anymore.

DH & I really want another baby. We haven't used protection since the LO was about 6 months. We sort of do timed BD, but I do not do ovulation tests nor temps.  I am scarring myself some times.  I find myself thinking the some way I did when we just started TTC for our 1st one.  Thinking about the timing etc. The good thing is that I am not freaking out (yet).  I am sort of unemployed at the moment, if I get pregnant it would be hard to find a job and/or qualify for maternity benefits.  So I have a plan. The moment I get a job, I am contacting my RE's office for an appointment.

I do think about our 2 remaining embryos, especially when I look at my son and think that not that long ago he was a frozen embryo.  It's hard to comprehend and it's mind boggling!!! I hope and pray that when the time is right, we will transfer our 2 remaining embryos and have 2 beautiful babies. I feel sad thinking about those two being stored in a lab downtown, far away from home.

Now back to my persona.  After LO was born (well about a week after I returned home), I lost all the pregnancy weight and then some. I've been very active while staying at home with him. Going out for 1.5 -2 hour walks ( 5-7km) in any weather, breastfeeding and eating pretty much everything. I've lost a bit more weight and was very happy.  My happiness was short lived as after going back to work, I had absolutely no energy, was constantly exhausted and unhappy, I continued to eat the way I was eating while breastfeeding (I mourned breastfeeding, as I really loved it, it was a struggle at the beginning but ended up being the greatest thing) but my activity level was pretty much 0.  So surprise, surprise I gained everything back to my pre-pregnancy weight :(  So I am starting once again to incorporate more exercise into my daily routine plus really trying to watch what I am eating. We will see how that goes.

I have bee neglecting this blog and the private blog that we created for our friends and family. Although, I think I will be back here when we start actually trying for our 2nd baby and once all the tests and procedures start again.  However, I am still following and reading everyone's blogs, even if I am not commenting much (or hardly at all).

3...2...1 .... weight off!!!

After gaining a whole kg over the long weekend, I decided that I need a simple plan that I can follow to safely lose some weight and keep it off.

Most of my weight I gained after the wedding during our 5 years of TTC. I was lucky that after I gave birth to DS and after all excess water left my body, I was actually about 5-6 kg less than my pre-pregnancy weight. I do look better now than I did before I got pregnant and get lots of compliments, but my weight is still far from ideal.  DS is going to be 7 months next week and in that time I managed to lose about 2 more kg, but that's totally due to breast feeding as I have been eating EVERYTHING, and mostly in the evenings.

This week is going to be my trial week as I fine-tune my plan, and then will go full steam next Monday.

To keep myself in check, I will try to post a simple checklist daily (or one in a few days, we will see).

Daily

1. Brisk walk for at least 1 hour in the morning or afternoon (bonus if I can squeeze in both times).
2. 2 10-minute work outs.
3. No sweets, except for special occasions.
4. If eating sweets, take only one piece and eat 1/2 (or share with DH).
5. Drink 2 water bottles.
6. nothing to eat after our last meal (8-9 p.m.) only water or tea.
7. go to sleep after dreamfeed at 11 p.m. (which means pump just before that).

So lets see if I can do this much and if that will help. We are going to the wedding (Caribbean)  in about 2 months, so I want to shed a few kg prior to that.  If the rules are pretty simple and easy to follow, I hope I can stick to them.

As of this morning the weight it 80 kg, and I am ready for a change!!!

Baby Dance and the 2nd one?

I don't know if I should still call it the baby dance, as we got our baby, but it sounds much better then calling it by any other name (especially on the internet). The point is we did BD, finally after over 2 months after our little one was born. Initially I thought I wanted it after the baby was born, but we didn't have time or were both exhausted and when we had a bit of time about a month ago, I chickened out. I was scared. We did stop actually BDing a few months before the due date, so it was like the first time. But this week I was ready. I had my mani & pedi for the photo shoot and then I finally had enough courage to do a Brazilian (it did hurt a lot, waaay more as usual, so it was almost the Brazilian) and felt attractive again.  I have never been the person who really takes care of myself. I didn't wear make up to work nor anywhere for that matter, unless it was a special occasion and even then it was pretty light. But I was doing pedi from time to time especially in the summer and Brazilian sugaring starting last summer. So, I guess during the last month of pregnancy and after the baby was born, I let myself go even more then usual, hence felt unattractive. The weight gain didn't help as well.

But a few days ago, after I had everything done, I was finally ready. I did feel like a human being again. After I dream fed the little one and he was sound asleep, we did it. And it hurt! I was really surprised as I thought it was not supposed to hurt as I had c-section, but I guess it is all interconnected.  DH was very gentle and slowly we were past the pain. The deal was that he will pull out, as even though we have MF nobody knows what's the story is with his guys at present. But when we were in the middle of it, I told him not to do it, and it felt amazing.

I really don't think that this one time can lead to something, and I am hoping it didn't. I know that we struggled for such a long time to have our little one and the pain from those 5 years and countless BFNs is still with me. But, the scars from my c-section are just too fresh and even though my doctor said that it is not going to be the end of the world if I get pregnant within a year (although he would want me to wait at least a year), I am afraid to get pregnant now.  So, I went out and bought some protection for the next few months.

DH actually really wants the second baby quickly. I don't think he is thinking with his head (more with his heart). He love the little one to pieces, and is a tremendous help. Although we do get into some arguments if I want him to take over in the morning. The latest ones are usually because he watches movies or stays on his computer for half of the night and of course is dead tired in the morning. The fact that I've been up at least 2 times for periods of up to 1 to 1.5 hours, doesn't sway him. So, it's not all perfect all the time, but he does help, and I am grateful to him for that (especially since I've heard stories from other moms how their hubbies are completely useless).

What are my thoughts on the second baby? Well... I am a bit torn. I have a very selfish reason why I want the second one pretty soon -- I don't want to go back to work. Yep. I am trying not to think about it, but time does fly and soon I would have to face the music. I have no clue what I am going to do. Go back to my previous job? Look for another? Open up something on my own? I don't know... I did tell my boss that I will be coming back end of December when the little one is going to be 10 months, but since he was born late, he will not be 10 months until January 15 :( , and then the hours... how can I cut back the hours that I have to be at the office? That's another question. But then, if I will have the second one without returning to work, I would not even have the measly maternity benefits that I am currently getting, so how are we going to survive financially with 2 kids and only 1 income? I don't think DH thought of that.

Otherwise, I do like the thought of having the kids close together, like me and my sis. We are one year apart and were even born in the same month! It is like having twins, sort of. When we were kids we constantly fought, but now we are the closest friends and confidants, and I want the same for my baby.

So, my thinking is that we will use protection, at least for another 2 months, so that my insides can get proper healing and then try BDing without protection. I don't think I will start charting and temping. Well, probably not, as I am not looking forward to another TTC roller-coaster. If nothing happens naturally, sometimes during the summer of 2013 we will do FET of the last two embies and hope for the best.  DH and I were also talking that even if I get pregnant naturally, we will do FET a few years after the second one is born, but it's way to early to think about that as we are still long way away from that.

So those are my thoughts, and I do feel better "writing" them all out. That's the reason for this blog, my anonymous safe heaven for things that I cannot put out for my family and friends to read.  

2 months (May 15) and our NEW BLOG!

We are now 2 months old and doing very well.

I haven't been posting much here, as DH did a great thing for me. He made me a new blog, and it took my time away from this one. I was tired of not being able to refer to people and especially to my little one by his actual name, to not being able to post his pictures, and have a blog for family and friends. So, this blog will remain for my venting - the things that I cannot post on the more open blog, and when the time comes for us to try for the next one, I will definitely be back here, but all the up to date info and photos are going to be on the new blog.

So, if anyone still reads this blog and wants more info on the new blog (or just curious to see pics of our family from time to time) email me at creatingourmiracle@gmail.com.  It is actually a webpage so that I am not restricted by the constrains of Blogger regarding file sizes etc.  It is still a work in progress, but I started posting there already. I want to keep the infertility world separate from my happy motherhood world, and so there will be no mentioning of anything IF related on our new website. I know that some people are all for being open with their TTC struggles, but unfortunately, I am not one of those people. There is only a small number of people who actually know the full story of how our son came to be and we are really hoping to keep it that way.

8 weeks (May 10) - Happy Birthday to ME!!!

As we get closer to the little one being 8 weeks old, here is what has been happening to him:

1)      He started to eat his fist. Like ALL the time. He prefers it to a pacifier and he tries to shove it in his mouth even during breast feeding.

2)      Also as he was giving me his usual smiles (did I tell you that my baby is very sociable!!!) he actually started to make sounds as well and it sounded like laughter and not just silent huge toothless smiles that I so love!!!

3)      I was also playing with him and sticking my tongue out, and he was copying me. He started sticking his tongue out, although it doesn’t come out all the way. (Note to self, I do need to discuss this with his paediatrician as he has a little thing under his tongue).

So this week was my birthday! To tell you the truth, I wasn’t very excited about it. It was like last year when I didn’t want to see anybody, but a big difference was that last year I was getting over a BFN after a perfect IVF cycle, and this year all I wanted to do is to be with my baby.

So I decided that I’ll have my parents and MIL for breakfast and invite close friends and relatives for late night snacks, for 9 p.m.  It did feel like every other day, the only difference was the DH stayed home. I still had to juggle the little one’s feeding schedule so that we could have an uninterrupted breakfast. DH made omelette and a few salads with bagels and bought some sweets. Then as we all got outside, my mom was complaining that the little windows on our garage doors were still covered with plastic from the manufacturer, so she and MIL decided to try to peel it off. It didn’t work, so then DH and my dad spend the next hour or so peeling and scraping that plastic off which melted in the sun.  First the little one was asleep in the house, but as normal it was his short nap and I took him outside. My mom suggested that I put him in a stroller and he continued napping. Which was great.  Once the windows were clean, everyone went home. DH said that he needs to work for a bit and me and the little one went for our usual walk, and the day continued as usual. 

Once the little one was off to bed, DH and I started preparations for the evening. He was cooking and I was setting the table. Most of the people got to our house between 9 and 9:30p.m. and after initial congratulations, conversations at the table (or actually at the countertop as everyone loves to congregate around the isle in the kitchen) drifted in various directions. I’ve got lots of fresh flowers which I didn’t really enjoy as I had to cut them and figure out the vase situation, which took some time. My aunt was the best – with the potted orchids and then one couple who didn’t bring any flowers as they were running late and I sincerely thanked them for that.  We had snacks and a birthday cake. DH was hilarious... as he was looking for candles he found three sparkles, so he lit the sparkles first before the candle (which was actually a Chanukah candle, LOL) and by the time the candle was lit and on the cake the sparkles were done. The cake was delicious – red velvet cake. My SIL bought it for one of the birthdays and I really liked it, so I asked DH to buy it. It turned out that most of the people at my party, including SIL, didn’t really like velvet cake (and didn’t even take a piece), oh well…. We got more!!!  Around 11 p.m. I went upstairs to feed the little one for dream feed. Well, it didn’t really work. As he was continuing eating he spit the milk out and it went not only out of his mouth, but also out of his nose and all over me (I was glad I took off my nice top before feeding him). At the same time he also pooed all over as well. So I called DH and it took some time for us to clean him up and then for me to put him back to bed.  When I got downstairs people started to leave as it was Monday and people had to go to work the next morning.  It all worked out nice. DH & I cleaned a little bit and were in bed around midnight.

Wednesday, May 9, started like a regular day. I called my mom and told her that we have lots of cake left over so she came over with my brother at around 5 p.m. just as DH got home as well.  She said that she met my sis at the pool where my brother and my niece and nephew take swimming lessons, and my sis said that my nephew had some breathing issues and BIL took him to a walking clinic so he is missing his swimming class. Then on my mom’s way to our house, my sis called and said that BIL was told to go to emergency and she is driving there with my niece. As we were having tea with cake my sis called again. She was hysterical.  Apparently, BIL barely made it into the ER when my nephew’s throat just closed off. The doctors had to struggle to put a tiny tube in to give him air. They were trying to stabilize him to move him to sick kids hospital downtown, but that hasn’t happened. She asked for my mom to pick up my niece and drive her home, so mom left right away.  DH and I were in total shock as I couldn’t even imagine what my sis and BIL were going through with their little one barely clinging to life.

My mom came back as my brother stayed with us. She left her car at the hospital and drove my sis’ car as it had a car seat for my niece. My mom was all pale. She said that doctors and nurses were working feverishly on my nephew and they don’t know what caused it. The doctors were on the phone with Sick Kids but couldn’t move him yet. My mom left to go home, when my BIL’s brother called and asked DH for a ride to retrieve my BIL’s car as it was also at the hospital and they were prepared to be moved to Sick Kids. At around 11 p.m. I got a message from my sis that my nephew is finally stable enough to be moved to Sick Kids and they were in an ambulance on the way there.

The night was rough as both DH and I were worrying about our nephew.  He was in the critical care unit and my sis and BIL were spending the night on the chairs next to his bed. Thursday, May 10, I was just exhausted from all the phone calls and messages about my nephew as the news started to spread. He was sedated and very uncomfortable and the swelling was not going down. The worst part was that the doctors didn’t know what caused it and that was scary.

Friday, May 11, was pretty much the same. My nephew was getting better a bit, but still was intubated and the doctors were running tests. We had Shabbat dinner at my BIL & SIL house and my niece came over as well. It was nice to see that she is not really affected by all that drama.

On Saturday, May 12, we were back to BIL & SIL’s house for breakfast, and thereafter needed to go shopping so went to Cos.tco. I hate going shopping on the weekend as it usually is a ZOO and it was this time too. When we got home, I was tired but the little one didn’t have his walk yet. I was so tempted to just stay home and watch TV or on my computer, but made an effort and DH & I went for my 6 km walk together.  We were tired, but it felt amazing!

During the day, the news were coming in from my sis that my nephew was doing much better, the tubes were out and they might be moved to a normal room. First there were no beds available, then there was shortage of staff, and only in the afternoon they were moved to a regular room as the doctors wanted to keep my nephew around for observations. We all breathed a sigh of relief.  

On Sunday, May 13, I told DH that I really wanted to go for a walk on Lakeshore. I love that place.  Since the time DH showed me that trail when we met so about 10-11 years, I have been imagining taking the walk with our kids as there are a lot of families there. Last summer and fall as I was walking the trail and boardwalk being pregnant, I was thinking of how I’ll be taking the little on there, and I really wanted to do that. So, I fed the little one, DH did some work on the backyard and we were off. I calculated the time so that I can feed the little one in the car upon our arrival and then we would have around 3 hours for our walk. That’s what we did.  We actually ended up walking a total of 10 km! It was nice. The weather was very warm and sunny. The little one was sleeping one way, then when we turned to go back, he woke up and was a bit fussy. We tried to calm him down with a pacifier but he was still fussy. So I picked him up and walked with him for a few minutes. The problem was that it was hot and there were a lot of insects, so we were afraid that one of those will bite him, and back to the stroller he went. I remembered that when I was taking out the stroller mattress I saw a panel that can be raised. DH did that and the little one was able to half sit in the stroller and see what was going on. He liked it and the rest of the walk was fussy free :). The little one did get fed once we were in our car. During the walk we got the news that my nephew was finally released from the hospital. Yei!!!  My parents also called and we ended up stopping at their place for dinner.

7 weeks (May 3) and trip to USA

This week, we’ve seen the following new activities:

1)      First of all, we managed to shed a tear! The first one was actually about a week ago, and I thought that the little one was getting sick as he was also coughing and sneezing. Then this week, the little one managed to squeeze out another one as he was crying.

2)      We also noticed that he started making bubbles with his saliva, and I was thinking that he started teething, but was told that it is waaay too early at 6 weeks.

3)      The little one also started to reject his pacifier more often, although he still uses it to soothe himself.

Tuesday, May 1, started like any regular day. I did some laundry when the little one was down for a nap, and then close to noon DH called and said that we are going to NY (well, Jersey City, which is just across the river) as he had an emergency with his business. So I was told to start packing.  We did discuss this possibility earlier, we just didn’t know if and when we have to go. I started packing as much as I could with the little one in my hands, and when DH came he helped me pack and load the car and we were off on the road by 7 p.m.  We crossed the border with no problem. At the beginning of the trip I was sited at the front and was turning around to the back seat pretty much every few minutes – to give him his pacifier, to move his blanket, to move the screen on top of his car seat so that sun wouldn’t shine in his face.  A few hours into the trip I was getting very nauseous, so after we crossed the border I moved to the back seat to be next to the little one. We moved the front seat all the way to the front and I had lots of space at the back. DH wanted to go as far as possible and then stop for the night. We stopped a few times. Once just before the border when I breast fed the little one, and then at a service station for an 11 o’clock dream feed. I actually pumped so that one of the feedings be easier. Then we were supposed to drive for another two hours and arrive to a hotel by about 1 a.m., but it turned out that DH misjudged the timing and we didn’t arrive to the hotel until after 2 a.m. I was happy that the little one was still asleep, but he was getting fussy as his feeding time was approaching. The good thing was that the hotel was only about an hour drive from New York.

On Wednesday, May 2, we did get a bit of sleep and after having breakfast at the hotel (which the little one attended in his car seat and pretty much slept through) we were off to our destination. Of course, we hit very heavy traffic getting close to Jersey City and didn’t get to our destination until 10 a.m. Again, it was very close to the little one’s feeding time and I actually just grabbed him in his car seat and hurried onto the premises.  

I really like the area where the business premises are.  While packing I was imagining how I will be taking two walks every day, while DH will be taking care of business. I took a book, sunglasses and sunscreen. You probably guessed it… when we opened curtains in the hotel on Wednesday morning – it was raining. Hmmmm… I completely didn’t plan for that and haven’t even considered it as an option. It was raining when we got to the premises. So I put the little one for his first nap inside. I was given a little room for my use that somehow turned out into storage (although it did have a nice big window). I did venture outside when it wasn’t raining very hard. I ran to the car to get a rain cover for the stroller. It was also chilly so I was wearing my warm leather coat with a hood. The little one and I were sent to buy lunch as DH was busy dealing with problems. Luckily I put the rain cover on the stroller as it started to rain very hard the moment I got to the store.  After lunch, it was only drizzling and the little one and I decided to go for a little walk, which was refreshing after being stuck in a car and then inside. At around 5 p.m. DH drove us to our hotel, where we checked in, took a shower and were off to have dinner.  The little one was asleep in his car seat for his night sleep, and we got back just in time for the dream feed at 11 p.m. when I put him to bed in the bassinette from the stroller which I placed on our king side bed in between DH and myself.  This was the best decision, and I only wish that I could do it at home. It was so much easier to quiet him down if he was fussy at night as all I had to do is just stretch my arm instead of getting up and walking to his bassinette.  DH actually had to leave right after dinner and didn’t get back to the hotel until after I finished the 2 o’clock feed (around 3 a.m.)

On Thursday, May 3, it was still chilly in NJ and cloudy so it looked like the rain is going to start any minute. So after having breakfast, which was just a bagel with eggs at a café close to the hotel, I made DH go to Wal.mart to buy an umbrella for me, plus we needed some more diapers for the little one. I was appalled that the same type of diapers was $10 cheaper in NJ than at home. Ugh!!!  DH was again very busy and the little one and I were on our own most of the day, although we did go out to lunch together. The place was tiny so we put the little one in his car seat and when he woke up during the lunch DH just rocked him back to sleep with one arm, while continued eating with another. But, at least the little one slept through the dinner without even stirring!

I was happy when I opened the curtains on Friday, May 4, and it was finally sunny! We decided to have breakfast at the hotel and put the little one in a stroller. He wasn’t sleeping so me and DH took turns eating while the other one was pushing the stroller around. Actually, the same thing happened at lunch time. The little one was fussing and he was in his stroller. Since the stroller was on my left, I ended up pushing the stroller back and forth with my left arm while eating with my right one. But we managed and it wasn’t a big deal! I am saying that as a friend of mine was asking how are we coping with the little one and going out, as she cannot imagine going out with her baby as he wakes up and would rather get a sitter for him. Well… to each his own… I feel much better knowing that the little one is with me and that he can get his food right away.  But back to NJ.

Friday was our last day in NJ and we checked out of the hotel right after breakfast. The weather was amazing – very hot. So I decided that the first nap the little one will take at the premises and for the second nap we would go for a long walk. Oh how I enjoyed the hot weather! I ended up walking along Hudson river looking at the New York skyline for over 2 hours! If I didn’t have to feed the little one, I would have walked more.

We left the premises around 4 p.m. when we had lunch and then some ice cream. We decided to go shopping and stopped at a shopping plaza where we usually enjoy shopping. Unfortunately, this time couldn’t find much. All we bought were seat belt covers for the little one, and then headed for dinner at my favourite restaurant, which only has locations in the states. There was a huge line up and a long waiting list, so I decided to feed the little one in the car before we have dinner. When I finished feeding, the beeper went off and we hurried in. So of course the little one was not asleep. The restaurant was buzzing loudly with loud music and loud conversation, and I was thinking that in this mayhem the little one would never fall asleep. It did take some effort and DH was even considering going outside and walking with him, when the little one finally surrendered to his sleep and we had a nice dinner. 

After dinner at around 10 p.m. we were on our way home. The plan was to drive as much as possible so that on Saturday it wouldn’t take much to get home, but half an hour into the trip DH was complaining that he is falling asleep. We decided not to risk it and stopped for the night at the same hotel where we stayed on the way there. As this time breakfast was not included, we decided to have some food in the little town where we stayed, and found a pretty good chain eatery. We saw a few of the same eateries on our way, so decided that it is a good option for breakfast on the go.  We did have to stop a few times.  The first stop was at a resting stop where I fed the little one and all of us took a washroom break. That whole stop took about 40 minutes. At the next stop in addition to feeding the little one we had some food ourselves so stopped for over an hour.  After that stop we figured if the little one could hold it for about 3.5 hours we didn’t need to stop anymore. Well… there was a huge line up at the border.  The little one decided that he wanted to eat and started screaming from the top of his lungs. Me coaxing him only worked for a bit, so when we finally reached the border /customs official he was screaming very very loud. This helped as the questions were down to a minimum. DH also asked where we could stop to breast feed and were directed to a place where people who are being detained stop. DH looked around and saw cameras all over the place. I told him that I don’t care as all I want to do is to feed my baby.

As we were going through the border my parents called a few times, when I called them back they invited us to come over to have some dinner with them. After eating snacks on the road a good meal was in order so we agreed. My MIL also called to tell us that she made food for us. She wanted the keys to our house so she can bring the food or cook or something. DH told her NO, but she still cooked the food, just in her own house. So after my parents we had to stop by my BIL’s house to pick up her food. We didn’t get home until close to 10 p.m.  The little one was still sleeping in his car seat and we let him sleep until the 11 p.m. dream feed.

On Sunday, May 6, we decided to take it easy. I did manage to get DH to walk with me my long walk in the neighbourhood. As DH has an app on his phone which can measure distance, it turned out that my long walk is 6km!!! Wow, I walk 6 km almost every day! I couldn’t believe it. I also got a message on my phone being invited to a mommy group on Monday, May 7, and I decided that I am going to try to make it.  But the night from Sunday to Monday, the little one was very fussy and wasn’t taking my breast as usual. After we came back from US I continued pumping at around 8 p.m. feeding and then DH feeding the little one from a bottle. He really enjoyed this time together, but as the little one started to fuss more at night during feedings, I decided to stop that practice and only leave the bottle feeding to when I have to be out.

Notwithstanding that we had a crazy night, I did put the little one in the car seat and walked over one street for mommy and baby group.  When I got to her house there was only another mommy there with a toddler (2-3 years old), as that girl’s older child is the same age. It turned out that this group is for toddlers and my little one and her little one were the only newborns there. We stayed for an hour and the little one actually watched from my arms at all the mayhem that was going on as more and more mommies and kids were coming in. On my way home, I decided to make my own group as I figured I know at least two more mommies with the kids the same age as my little one.

As the day was getting to a close and I was putting the little one to bed, I remembered that it was my grandma’s birthday. I started telling the little one about my grandma and that his middle name is in her honour and how I really truly wished she could have seen her great grandson (her 4th). I told him that on May 7 I would always call her to wish her a happy birthday and she would wish me a happy birthday in return. That in the years close to her death, her memory was going and she didn’t remember to wish me a happy birthday, but I didn’t care as long as I could talk to her. She was the only grandma that I have ever known (and the only grandparent that I ever had, although I do vaguely remember my great grandparents – her parents, as they passed away in my childhood).  My grandma spoiled me and my sis by buying us ice cream with her last money, but she also was strict and when we misbehaved she could hit us with the cable from the phone (she had a stationary phone with a long cable so it could be moved around her apartment). When I would travel to Europe, I would always call her from different countries. She passed away a few years ago, and I still miss her like crazy.  I did started crying so DH had to take the little one. But, tomorrow is my birthday, so something to look forward to!