Baby Dance and the 2nd one?

I don't know if I should still call it the baby dance, as we got our baby, but it sounds much better then calling it by any other name (especially on the internet). The point is we did BD, finally after over 2 months after our little one was born. Initially I thought I wanted it after the baby was born, but we didn't have time or were both exhausted and when we had a bit of time about a month ago, I chickened out. I was scared. We did stop actually BDing a few months before the due date, so it was like the first time. But this week I was ready. I had my mani & pedi for the photo shoot and then I finally had enough courage to do a Brazilian (it did hurt a lot, waaay more as usual, so it was almost the Brazilian) and felt attractive again.  I have never been the person who really takes care of myself. I didn't wear make up to work nor anywhere for that matter, unless it was a special occasion and even then it was pretty light. But I was doing pedi from time to time especially in the summer and Brazilian sugaring starting last summer. So, I guess during the last month of pregnancy and after the baby was born, I let myself go even more then usual, hence felt unattractive. The weight gain didn't help as well.

But a few days ago, after I had everything done, I was finally ready. I did feel like a human being again. After I dream fed the little one and he was sound asleep, we did it. And it hurt! I was really surprised as I thought it was not supposed to hurt as I had c-section, but I guess it is all interconnected.  DH was very gentle and slowly we were past the pain. The deal was that he will pull out, as even though we have MF nobody knows what's the story is with his guys at present. But when we were in the middle of it, I told him not to do it, and it felt amazing.

I really don't think that this one time can lead to something, and I am hoping it didn't. I know that we struggled for such a long time to have our little one and the pain from those 5 years and countless BFNs is still with me. But, the scars from my c-section are just too fresh and even though my doctor said that it is not going to be the end of the world if I get pregnant within a year (although he would want me to wait at least a year), I am afraid to get pregnant now.  So, I went out and bought some protection for the next few months.

DH actually really wants the second baby quickly. I don't think he is thinking with his head (more with his heart). He love the little one to pieces, and is a tremendous help. Although we do get into some arguments if I want him to take over in the morning. The latest ones are usually because he watches movies or stays on his computer for half of the night and of course is dead tired in the morning. The fact that I've been up at least 2 times for periods of up to 1 to 1.5 hours, doesn't sway him. So, it's not all perfect all the time, but he does help, and I am grateful to him for that (especially since I've heard stories from other moms how their hubbies are completely useless).

What are my thoughts on the second baby? Well... I am a bit torn. I have a very selfish reason why I want the second one pretty soon -- I don't want to go back to work. Yep. I am trying not to think about it, but time does fly and soon I would have to face the music. I have no clue what I am going to do. Go back to my previous job? Look for another? Open up something on my own? I don't know... I did tell my boss that I will be coming back end of December when the little one is going to be 10 months, but since he was born late, he will not be 10 months until January 15 :( , and then the hours... how can I cut back the hours that I have to be at the office? That's another question. But then, if I will have the second one without returning to work, I would not even have the measly maternity benefits that I am currently getting, so how are we going to survive financially with 2 kids and only 1 income? I don't think DH thought of that.

Otherwise, I do like the thought of having the kids close together, like me and my sis. We are one year apart and were even born in the same month! It is like having twins, sort of. When we were kids we constantly fought, but now we are the closest friends and confidants, and I want the same for my baby.

So, my thinking is that we will use protection, at least for another 2 months, so that my insides can get proper healing and then try BDing without protection. I don't think I will start charting and temping. Well, probably not, as I am not looking forward to another TTC roller-coaster. If nothing happens naturally, sometimes during the summer of 2013 we will do FET of the last two embies and hope for the best.  DH and I were also talking that even if I get pregnant naturally, we will do FET a few years after the second one is born, but it's way to early to think about that as we are still long way away from that.

So those are my thoughts, and I do feel better "writing" them all out. That's the reason for this blog, my anonymous safe heaven for things that I cannot put out for my family and friends to read.