Little Signs

DH did get me mediation for IVF and I listened to the first session yesterday. I just love guided mediation, as I can reach a degree of relaxation that I cannot reach on my own. So, as I was mediating and relaxing and trying to imagine a bridge from my mind to body, a mental picture suddenly appeared - and there were little kids - and I knew that they were my kids. There were I think 4 different aged kids boys and girls. I didn't get a good look, and I was thinking may be I thought of my niece and nephews, but the kids in my picture did not have such dark hair as my niece or nephews. So, either I am completely going crazy or it is a positive sign. I also received an email from a jewellery place that was actually related only to baby stuff. I might be reading too much into it, but I hope that since I am so anxious and nervous about this cycle, G-d actually sends me signs that everything is going to be ok, that I am going to be a mommy, and I just have to believe. I do believe!!! and am going to listen to the next meditation session right now - good night!

Last BCP and pre-cycle jitters

I did take the last BCP on Friday and now am patiently waiting for AF to show up. I do have some twitching and cramping, but no spotting yet.

We did have a busy weekend. Friday I ended up going shopping with my mom and then went back to my parents' house to help figure out Wii game for my lil' brother (and ended up playing Wii with my mom late into the night). Saturday was an early wake up as (a) our cleaning lady was coming - finally! and just in time for DH's b-day next week, and (b) i had to get going for my gravity circuit class (probably the last one). The work out was amazing and I am sore all over now :) but feel great!!! Then we were off to my nieces birthday party - yes the second one, this time around it was for kids (and I had to be there to help with my brother and otherwise just help).

So the b-day party was going pretty well, until I saw our high school friend who was married about 2 years ago and now is very pregnant with her SECOND child. For some reason it really bothered me and I tried to stay away from her as much as possible (there were tons of other people and kids who needed my attention anyways). I managed to go through the party but lost it when DH & I stopped by to get some groceries. Yep, me crying in the middle of the supermarket (with people actually turning to look). I still blame BCP!!!

We did have friends over on Saturday night (except for my sis and sil, none of them have kids, so the conversations were light and funny).

Sunday morning we had a birthday breakfast - have you heard about that! It was about 40 min drive from our house, so DH & I were talking and our conversation moved to our 2nd IVF cycle. We were talking about what happened last time around and how we were grasping at straws to not have the cycle cancelled. We both agreed that we should have received more guidance and may be had it cancelled rather than going through with such a low level of follicles and E2. So we were trying to emotionally prepare ourselves for what can come. I told DH that our new RE would not proceed if my E2 was less than 6,500, and we agreed that if RE says the cycle is a no go - we are NOT going through with it. We also agreed that if RE is uncertain and is talking of may be cancelling this cycle - we are also NOT going forward. We pay for everything out of our pocket, so if the cycle is not going perfectly, there is no need to push it. This discussion seemed to make us both feel a bit better prepared.

This morning, however, I started to feel very anxious just trying to think about starting injections again. We are going to a concert on Sunday night and it starts at 8 p.m. and I set the date for my injection at 9, and I don't know what to do. I am not sure if there is enough space in the washroom at the theatre to start mixing medication as Gonal F comes in a pen but I have to mix Lupron together, should I pre-mix it 2 hours ahead, or should I just wait until the end and get back to my office and do it there 1.5 - 2 hours late (the theatre is about 5-10 min walk from my office). Plus, it's Monday and AF is a no-show. I know that last time it started the day I started stims, but now I am thinking that may be that contributed to the bad cycle, I don't know...

So, I called DH and told him that I was scared and very anxious about the upcoming cycle and all the injections and asked him to buy me the meditation that somebody recommended - Circle + Bloom. And he did!!! As I am typing this, DH is on his computer trying to download it onto my iPhone. Did I tell you how great my DH is :)
I hope this mediation helps, and I also remembered that I should probably try to get in touch with my acupuncturist as I want to start my weekly acupuncture sessions ASAP. So much to do, so little time. I think I am getting stressed out again. LOL

Cycle Review Meeting & more ranting re BCP

We had our cycle review apt this morning. And the first thing was a meeting with their financial person - yep our credit card bill will be MUCH BIGGER next month LOL. We went over forms and completed a few blanks that I had questions about. Dr. H popped up to say hi which was very nice of him. Than nurse J went over medication - by the way, using Gonal F looks like a breeze, much easier than mixing Menopur. Unfortunately I will still have to mix Luveris (and not with a nice Qcap that Menopur has). Any tricks on using those meds will be appreciated.

Nurse J also gave me: (1) a big sharps container (not the shitty little bag they gave me at Mt. Sinai), (2) a nice bag for Gonal F but it can fit other medication too (I had to use my little cosmetics bag to carry my meds last time around when I had to take them at work and the meds barely fit!!! (3) syringes and needles for Luveris and alcohol swabs. I also got all prescriptions as I might get some drugs at a cheaper pharmacy rather than at the clinic.

The new RE's pffice is more organized too, I'll have my stims in the evening, so I can do them at like 9 p.m. in time for when I get home, and when the time comes for antagonist, it will be done in the morning (lets say around 6 a.m.) at Mt. Sinai it was the reverse and the bad thing about it was that I was not able to take medication in the morning until I had u/s and b/w and they call me, so a lot of times I had to do it in the bathroom at work - not the best place to mix medication :D But nurse J told me that once told I will be taking antagonist every morning BEFORE I come for u/s and b/w, so I don't have to take any medication with me to work. Such a relief....

So, overall, I was really happy with how this morning progressed!

And by the way - that shortage of Orgalutran that I was freaking out about, may exist or not exist, but I don't care as our clinic has enough medication for all girls cycling at the same time - Aren't they cool?!?!

The other good news is that I opened the last pack of BCP - only 2 more to go. The bad thing - I am getting MORE side effects. Now, hot flashes and night sweats were added to the mix. Yei!!! Why am I so "lucky"? Notwithstanding anything, I can feel that AF is already knocking on the door and just waiting for BCP to let her in. Moodwise - I am very bitchy and agitated - huge PMS!!!! Have been snapping at my boss for 2 days in a row now, can't help it.

Anyways, tomorrow is Friday and I can finally get more than 5 hours of sleep!!!

I guess for you being a nurse my excitement about sharps container, syringes and needles will look silly (especially since I've done it once already :) ). So once I get a "go" on the 1st of April, I'll pick up my medication at our pharmacy and will start using my tummy as a pin cushion :).

3 weeks on BCP

Today is March 23 (or since it will be after midnight by the time I finish writing - 24th ) and it is snowing in TO. Hmmm when is this winter going to end. I guess I am also not in the greatest of places emotionally, as I think BCP is screwing with me a bit. I did finish one pack today. I have very mixed emotions about the new cycle. Remember how I had optimism and positive thoughts? I still do, but now started thinking about what if this cycle is also a bust? Today was the first time I brought it up with DH and we decided that if this cycle doesn't work, we are going to the ayurvedic clinic in Hungary that I talked about some time ago.

Yesterday was my nieces 4th birthday, and even though I love her to pieces (and most of the time the feeling is mutual), this occasion was bitter sweet. My sis told us that she is pregnant 2 weeks before our wedding. When my niece was born we've been TTCing for 4 months, fast forward to today, my niece turned 4, her brother is turning 2 in 2 months, and we are still at the same point as we were over 4 years ago. uhhhh...

Another factor that contributes to my misery is my weight - I am overweight and if you look at a BMI, even obese (although I am a few kg over overweight category). , I am losing the battle with my weight as in the past 6 months it has been fluctuating in the 2 kg range back and forth. I just cant say NO to food, and I don't know why... I cant stand looking at myself on photos (and DH is the same way) so we haven't been taking pictures or have pictures of us taken in a long time ( I think there are literally just 2-3 pics from Mexico that have me on them). So why am I surprised that there are no pics of me or DH when looking through my sis' pictures of kids, and getting jealous that the kid's other uncle is in the pics a lot? I am blaming it on the drugs! And by the way, just looked through pics from the birthday party last night - there are 2 pics of me and OMG I look awful - does camera add a few kg??? Seriously need to do something, but have absolutely no motivation. Again, blaming everything on BCP.

I actually think that they are getting to me plus PMS as AF should be near. I am getting very nauseous in the evenings. I did not have that before, but then I was on BCP for less than 2 weeks and now I just finished week 3.

Tomorrow we are going for our "cycle review" appointment to review the cycle, learn how to administer new medication and of course, pay the fees (I am so looking forward to that - NOT! and especially to opening our credit card bill in about a month) oh well... Hope once AF starts I will feel like a human again as it is hard to control myself now (I am already snapping at my boss - which I've never done before). I am tired too. Need a 24 hour sleep therapy but who will let me do that. We already have tons of plans for the weekend and I do work on Sundays. Saturday, bright and early our cleaning lady is coming - finally and just in time as DH's b-day next week, then i am off to my last gravity class (although I might squeeze in one more class next Saturday as it is only going to be my first day of stims), then another b-day party for my niece (this time for the kids, but since I am an auntie, I have to go! and Sunday on top of work, I have my cousin's b-day party!!! Yep, crazy busy :) but may be its for the best as it takes my thoughts away from what could have been if IVF #1 was successful. I was so down that I was thinking of putting up a ticker saying "It has been exactly 12 weeks since we received confirmation that our little bean didn't make it" or "I could have been 14 weeks and 2 days pregnant today". Oh well....

BCP #19 and a first minor freak-out

I did want to write a post about the effects of BCP. I think I am more emotional - hence the freak-out, my bbs hurt and are more sensitive and I get more headaches. I am also breaking out on my face, but I don't know if I can attribute that to BCP.

The good news - 19 down and only 6 to go - yoohoo!!! The pack with 3 little pills left looks so cute :)

So this afternoon, I was reading through blogs and found out that there is a shortage of Orgalutran in Canada. I do some more search on the internet and find a few more mentioning of the shortage. So the balls started rolling in my head. Orgalutran is comparable to Cetrotide, and if there is a shortage I would probably be prescribed Cetrotide instead, I had an allergic reaction to Cetrotide and my new RE said that it might have contributed to my poor IVF#1 performance. So, at that point I have tears in my eyes and starting freaking out. I go to my trusty ivf.ca site for guidance of my efriends and of course just my luck, it is not working. I call DH with a breaking voice explaining the problem and he tried to calm me down by saying that our RE probably has a supply of such drug as he prescribes it to his patients. I can not star breathing but barely. Then I managed to get a hold of a girlfriend who just finished her cycle with the same RE (and got a BFP!!!) and she confirmed that she was buying meds through the clinic and if it will make me feel better I can email the clinic and ask them to make sure they have enough medication set aside for me as I have an allergic reaction to Cetrotide. So, I calm down, and start thinking rationally. My RE does cycles every 3 weeks, so he is actually doing ERs this week and they are probably done with antagonist medication, the next group is my group which will do antagonist drugs in the second week of April, so I can wait until Thursday to discuss this problem with my clinic.

I am again calm as a cucumber!!!

Welcome ICLW!!!

Welcome everyone who found their way to my little blog!

You can find our TTC timeline in the right hand column and a very detailed account of our journey at "about me" tab, but here is a shorter summary :)

DH and I have been married since August 2006 (after being together for 5 years).
We have been TTC for over 4 years now (since December 2006) and I have never been pregnant.
2 years ago we were diagnosed with MFI (male factor infertility).
After 5IUIs and a surgery for DH we decided to proceed with IVF.
Our first IVF in December last year was a disaster (understimulated, threat of cancellation, only one poor quality embie), and as expected, ended in BFN.
We changed clinics and are preparing for our IVF#2 (taking BCP) :)

So that's where we are right now.

All your comments, thoughts and questions are always welcomed and appreciated, so stop by to say "hi" often!

New York City - Here We Come!!!

This weekend we are going to New York City to attend Vision Expo 2011. We go every year as DH's business is connected to vision matters. And if you feel like checking out who is wearing what in the world of celebrities here is a link to a cute blog ;)

So we are leaving on Thursday night. We usually go with BIL & SIL in their van but this year they are leaving on Wednesday, and given the fact that DH & I just got back from our Mexican vacation not so long ago, I didn't think it was fair to take more days off, so we are going with DH's partner - 5 people in a sedan, which presented a minor problem with our luggage. We don't take much as we are only going for 3 days and this year there will not be any dinners/galas etc. but I hate packing and last night when I got home DH told me that I have to pack my things before I leave for work tomorrow (i.e. today) as his brother will take our suitcase with them in the van. So, I did 3 loads of laundry yesterday, but was too lazy to pack - I am the worst procrastinator ever!!! So, I got up 30 minutes earlier this morning to pack my bag, and it is already on its way to NYC :)

On the IF front nothing new to report. I am still taking BCP pills - today it was number 14, so 10 more to go (need to remember to pack them :) ). The only thing I can feel is some cramping around what was supposed to be ovulation time. Hoping everything is nice and quiet down there and we will hive a green light on April 1st to proceed with stims on April 2. Fingers crossed.

We walk the same line

A friend at the ivf.ca posted this song and the lyrics that she thinks epitomize the journey that we have been taken together. Once I read the lyrics I couldn't agree more. That's how I feel with all my friends on blogger and ivf.ca, and I wanted to posted on my blog so you can read it too, the lyrics are just beautiful.


We walk the same line
Words and Music by Tracey Thorn

If you lose your faith, babe, you can have mine,
and if you're lost I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

Now I don't have to tell you
how slow the night can go,
I know you've watched for the light.

And I bet you could tell me
how slowly four follows three,
and you're most forlorn just before dawn.

So if you lose your faith babe,
you can have mine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

When it's dark baby,
there's a light I'll shine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

And I don't need reminding
how loud the phone can ring
when you're waiting for news.

And that big old moon
lights every corner of the room.
Your back aches from lying
and your head aches from crying.

So if you lose your faith babe,
you can have mine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

When it's dark baby,
there's a light I'll shine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

And if these troubles
should vanish like rain at midday,
well I've no doubt there'll be more.

And we can't run and we can't cheat,
cause babe when we meet
what we're afraid of,
we find out what we're made of.

So if you lose your faith babe,
you can have mine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

When it's dark baby,
there's a light I'll shine,
and if you're lost, I'm right behind,
cause we walk the same line.

The link to the song is here.

I am NOT watching any more TV!!!

It's not like I watch TV regularly, I rarely do, as I work long hours, but today decided to relax a bit in front of the TV as DH needed to step out for a bit. I was flipping channels and stopped on TLC - Cake Boss - amazing, I love Ace of Cakes and Cake Boss is the same idea - it should be about CAKES!!!. Well, what do you know, the entire episode was about BIRTH - his wife was very very pregnant and gave birth (they actually showed her in labour and during her giving birth) to a baby boy on Valentine's Day - and it's his 4th kid. Hmmm. Of course, I've been bawling with tears streaming down my chicks through the entire episode (I should have turned it off, but that's an after-thought), and it took some time for me to finally calm down by the time DH came home. I thought I was over this type of behaviour a long time ago, but I guess I am still fragile. I was asking myself why I was crying, and at least I am happy to say that it was not because I felt sorry for myself and I am trying to be honest. But I started thinking how my family would be happy when I give birth, how my SIS will be calling everyone with the announcement, who would come to the hospital etc. etc. Oh, well, better get to bed and remember that even food shows are not as innocent as they seem. I guess that's life of an infertile couple....

Jinx It

I wrote before about me being happy and hopeful again after the first IVF, and in the past couple of days I actually catch myself thinking that yes, this is it! It is going to work! and I feel happy. Even though it is gloomy and snowy/rainy outside, I feel like my sky is clear and blue. And by the way, BDing still continues to be wonderful - it feels like we are dating again ;)

When we were on vacation, DH and I were talking about having our baby(or babies) first b-day at a Caribbean resort, and we were actually planning a road trip with the baby (or babies) from Canada down to Florida when I will be on my mat leave as we would not have to worry about taking time off and could spend more time on a trip and exploring little towns along the coast. We would actually love to take the trip along the Pacific coast too, but that will have us flying all the way to Vancouver and then renting a car. But, these are just thoughts - happy thoughts! (my SIL said that we are crazy even thinking about it, baby would not enjoy a car trip and we would have to take tons of baby food to Caribbean blah blah blah, but we are not listening as we are in our happy place now :) )

Then from time to time the thought creeps in, am I jinxing myself by thinking like this IVF is a done deal (before it even started)? I really hope not! It is like a very fine balancing act - I should be positive, but not too positive to jinx myself. I think I am confused!!! I am thinking, is it possible to jinx yourself by being happy with starting IVF, or with an amount of follicles? We were doing great at the start of IVF#1, with great odds, great AFC, and great number of follicles developing and I was happy about it, so did I jinx myself? I am hoping that it just wasn't my time yet to have a baby, and my little angel just went to a different couple instead.

We all know that getting a BFP is only winning half of the battle, carrying the baby to term is another. For now I am really concentrating on finally getting to see the 2 lines for the first time in my life!!! I am a bit worried about the second part, but if I look around - my sis has 2 kids (no mc), my SIL has 2 kids (no mc), out of all of my friends and relatives who have kids only 1 had a mc. So why should I be any different? I will get my BFP and I will carry the baby(or babies) to term. PERIOD (not the bad kind). That's my thinking and I am trying to stick to it for as long as I can!

Happy International Women's Day!!!

Today is the International Women's Day!!!

I know it is not celebrated (or known) much in Canada and USA, but for those of us who came from across the ocean it is still an important day and occasion. I reminded DH to buy flower for my mom (he does it every year). So he did, but he also bought a bouquet for me (awwwwwww), so I made a photo. In the front is my bouquet and at the back are flowers for both moms - my mom and MIL. Isn't my DH the best???



I've copies some information from Wikipedea:

"International Women's Day (IWD), originally called International Working Women’s Day is marked on the 8th of March every year. It is a major day of global celebration of women. In different regions the focus of the celebrations ranges from general celebration of respect, appreciation and love towards women to a celebration for women's economic, political and social achievements.

Started as a Socialist political event, the holiday blended in the culture of many countries, primarily Eastern Europe, Russia, and the former Soviet bloc. In many regions, the day lost its political flavour, and became simply an occasion for men to express their love for women in a way somewhat similar to a mixture of Mother's Day and St Valentine's Day. In other regions, however, the original political and human rights theme designated by the United Nations runs strong, and political and social awareness of the struggles of women worldwide are brought out and examined in a hopeful manner.

Female members of the Australian Builders Labourers Federation march on International Women's Day 1975 in Sydney

The mimosa (technically, the Silver Wattle) is the symbol of the celebrations of Women's day in Italy and Russia

The first IWD was observed on 19 March 1911 in Germany following a declaration by the Socialist Party of America. The idea of having an international women's day was first put forward at the turn of the 20th century amid rapid world industrialization and economic expansion that led to protests over working conditions.

In 1910, Second International held the first international women's conference in Copenhagen (in the labour-movement building located at Jagtvej 69, which until recently housed Ungdomshuset). An 'International Women's Day' was established. It was suggested by the important German Socialist Clara Zetkin, although no date was specified. The following year, 1911, IWD was marked by over a million people in Austria, Denmark, Germany and Switzerland, on March 19. In the West, International Women's Day was first observed as a popular event after 1977 when the united Nations General Assembly invited member states to proclaim March 8 as the UN Day for Women's Rights and International Peace.

Demonstrations marking International Women's Day in Russia proved to be the first stage of the Russian Revolution of 1917.

Following the October Revolution, the Bolshevik Alexandra Kollontai persuaded Lenin to make it an official holiday in the Soviet Union, and it was established, but was a working day until 1965. On May 8, 1965 by the decree of the USSR Presidium of the Supreme Soviet International Women's Day was declared a non working day in the USSR

If you are interested, there is more information available on this site.

So HAPPY INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY my dear friends!!!!

Cycle Update (BCP#5)

Today I had my 5th BCP, it is nice to see the pack slowly getting emptied out. 19 more to go!!! I am happy to report that I don't have any s/e (for now at least). Last time BCP gave me headaches, but I was told that Alesse is milder than Marvelon, and it shows :)!!!

I've received a package of documentation from the clinic with all the forms and descriptions. I was reading a description of ER procedure (I did do it once already, but still...) and it get me very anxious. It did say that they are going to do local injection into a vaginal wall, but did not say anything about anaesthetics through IV to make me "consciously sedated". So, I turned to my favourite site ivf.ca and I have a friend there who actually just did ER at the same clinic. Thank G-d for these sites and for people who are there and ready to help!!! She did say that Dr. H does use anaesthetics through IV and she said it was a breeze and she didn't feel anything. Hearing that made me feel much better.

On another front, since I started taking BCP (and feeling much better after the cold) our BDing is great (although not sure if I can still call it BDing since technically no baby can come out of it, but I don't want to be vulgar on my own blog, so BDing it is). It has been 3 days in a row of BDing and not because we had to but because we wanted to and it was great! It's the first time in a very long time BDing is not calculated and therefore, much more enjoyable ;)

So, I am happy and optimistic today!

Fun in the Sun!!!

I had almost 12 hours of sleep today, and have been on the computer pretty much since breakfast (which we had at around noon :) ). It is rainy and gloomy outside, and it brings me joy to remember hot sunny days in Mexico.

We arrived late on Thursday. I was sick and once I put my head on a pillow I couldn't get up. The check in was a breeze and we got to our room pretty quickly. My MIL's room was next door. We ordered room service as everything else was closed by that time (and room service was included!). I did get feverish and my body temperature was around 37.5C - the worst, if you ask me. I took some pills and was somewhat capable of going outside the next morning. I couldn't refuse a few dips in the pool and the ocean during the day, so by the evening on Friday the fever was back. I started spotting on Friday night and decided that I will not use a tampon as I need to know when AF shows up (I am always worried that I am not going to understand whether it is just spotting or it is flowing full force). So Saturday was fun - me not able to wear a bathing suit + being feverish. Even though I was feeling like shit, we decided to go to the gym on Saturday as well - it was all worth it :)

The good news, this time around AF decided not to play any games and started pretty quickly, so DH and I decided to go to Playa Del Carmen on Sunday. My MIL went with us (which did not make me a happy camper, as she has problem walking) We spent half a day there and decided to skip the gym this time around.

I didn't go swimming on both Sunday and Monday and my cold was getting better. We did manage to get to the gym on each of Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday (Thursday was our last day).

The weather was gorgeous - it was hot, hot, hot and sunny!!! ALL THE TIME!!!! It only got cloudy on Thursday at 4 o'clock, just before we had to start packing!

Overall, it was a great vacation, although I could have used more alone time with DH. Spending so much quality time with my MIL was not that easy since we are not the best of friends (we are not enemies either, but she is my MIL, who can be very annoying), plus add me feeling sick and PMS on top of it - yep, I snapped a few times too many (DH was not impressed), but I did improve as my health improved too.

My thoughts on the hotel -- Iberastar Paraiso Lindo
it is a 5 hotel complex - Lindo supposedly was 2nd from the top

grounds and architecture: breathtaking
service: mostly pretty good
rooms: nothing special and definitely not a 5 star hotel - no internet in the room!!! that was a shocker - only in the lobby and even in the lobby we had to pay for it, but since we would go to the lobby only to eat or for show we would take our iphones with us (and would not carry our little laptop) - so very limited access to internet. For DH it was a harder blow since his business is on the internet. Needless to say, if we go back to this resort we will not be back to the same hotel.
beach: great, but too busy, and if you do not get there very early there would not be any lounges left. it was windy most of the time, so there were huge waive - which I loved (even though I don't surf or anything).
pools: were pretty good, that's were we hang out most of the time, they had a pool bar, a waive pool and a lazy river!!! We did take a leisurely swim in the lazy river a few times (just DH & I)!!!
food: The buffet was the worst ever. We tried to watch what we eat so for breakfast I had a little sandwich (bread with cheese) and cottage cheese with fruits. The rest of the foods was fried (their omelette and poached eggs weren't great either). The buffet for lunch was good with lots of grilled vegetables, although finding some fish was a challenge. The a la carte restaurants for dinner were great - can't complain there.

Overall with going to the gym 4 times during our stay I lost about 2 kg which made me very happy. Now have to make sure I can keep it and make it go down more!!!

I am posting a link to a short video that DH made from photos of our trip (there is one or two of me, but after spending all the time in the sun and in the water, I do look a bit scary - consider yourself warned!!!)

Here we go AGAIN!!!

So, AF did make an appearance on the 26th (just one day late), and I emailed the clinic my day one. And while I was basking in the sun I got an email back from the clinic --- my cycle calendar!!!

I started BCP on my Day 6 being Thursday, March 3, and I actually had to do it on the plane heading back. Here is my little pack, the start of our IVF#2 - which is going to be THE cycle :)

The plan is that I am going to continue with BCP for 24 days with the last one to be taken on March 26, 2011.

On March 24th we will have a cycle review appointment to sign all the forms, pay the fees (uuuuhhhmmm, as we are still repaying our line of credit from the first one), and review the cycle and any unfamiliar medications (in my case ALL).

Pre-stimulation Assessment - April 1, 2011, and if everything goes as planned -- starting stims on April 2, 2011 -- Day 1 -- Gonal f 187.5 and Luveris 75 in the evening and L-thyroxine 50mcg in the morning.

Orgalutran will be added around Day 6 (April 7, 2011)

Trigger shot of ovidrel on Day 10 -- April 11, 2011

Estimated ER --- April 13, 2011 Estimated ET --- April 18, 2011 (my SIL's b-day) which would theoretically lead to BETA test day of April 27th, 2 days before our 10 year anniversary. Oh, please please please please please let it be the best anniversary ever!!!!

I am BACK!!!

I am back in TO and back in the office with only 3 hours of sleep :(
Will post a more detailed blog and some pics later on or on the weekend.
The other great news - got my schedule!!!! and took 1st BCP last night on the plane.
Miss you all, can't wait to catch up.

Off to the airport!!!

OK, I did ended up working till 10 p.m. (for those who are counting - that's 14 hour day again!) yesterday and then going to my parents to pick up a car so I can run errands in the morning.

The cold is still there and I do feel like shit (somewhat). I had my eyebrows done, managed to get to the bank and more money into RRSP (the deadline would pass by the time we are back). We are all packed and just waiting for our pick up.

I'll try to log in if will get internet in our room.

Will miss you all.

Love,

R

Sick & Tired :(

This post is just a shorty as I am still at the office with tons more stuff to do before I leave tonight. I did talk to my boss that I am not going to come in tomorrow even though initially I said I would (just until noon) before leaving for the airport. I did spend 10 hours on Monday (the "Family Day") and another 14 hours yesterday in the office, and today is going to be another 13-14 hour day.

Nothing is done - no laundry, ironing, packing, manicure, pedicure etc. all will have to be done tomorrow morning (we are leaving at around 1 p.m.)

Plus, the cold that was lingering for the past week, for some reason decided to switch from mild to moderate - my throat hurts and my ears are popping (basically I already feel like I am on the plane + a headache).

Yep, sick and tired --- I do deserve every single minute of this vacation.

Why am I special?

I've been a bit on a sad side since I am not participating in ICLW, but I think it will only be fair for me not to participate in ICLW as I'll be away for a big chunk of it and would not be able to comment for a few days. But then I was thinking that maybe I should have done all the commenting in the first few days that I am home, and get upset at myself. On top of that, weight is a constant struggle (which I manage to lose more often than win). It is just so frustrating to see the weight coming down 100 grams at a time through the week, and then have it all come back after the weekend. UGH!!! Plus, since receiving an email from my IVF nurse about thyroid mediation, I can't stop thinking that there is something else wrong with me. So, it was a breath of fresh air when I received the following words of wisdom from Yehuda Berg:

"Reminding yourself of your shortcomings, troubles, and transgressions will only trick you into a state of sadness. And bring you further away from your dreams.

Be kind to yourself today. If that sounds impossible, then ask a friend to help remind you of why you are so special. (And notice how much easier it is to ask people what’s wrong with you.)"

That made me think that in our constant struggles during TTC we get frustrated at ourselves first of all - why it takes so long to get pregnant, why my body is not reacting to medication the way it should, why my body didn't hang on to the little embie last time around, and in all that negativity we do forget about ourselves, how special we truly are.

I started thinking about how special I am and what makes me special, and it is pretty hard to think of a few things. Well, after some thought, my list is as follows (in no particular order): I am kind, supportive, loyal, smart, caring, honest and loving. Here, now I have to repeat this every time I feel down! :)

Some nice memories :-)

It has been cold and snowing outside through the entire weekend, and only a few things keep me warm inside - the thoughts of our trip to Mexico in a few days AND my memories from Thailand. So I decided to bring some warmth on this cold day and post a few pics from Thailand. Enjoy!!!

This beach is where the movie "The Beach" was filmed. Not the most tranquil place, and that's not a high season!!!

The nature is just stunning!!!

This island they call the "James Bond" island. Apparently from the movie called "Golden Gun" if I remember correctly. I haven't seen that movie, but better take a look.

Our last sunset on the beach in Phuket, minutes before we had to leave... sad... very sad...to leave this place

Let's get this party started!!!

So, I am way behind in documenting our Monday RE's protocol apt as it is now Sunday evening, so here it goes.

On Monday afternoon, DH & I met at our RE's office (that's our new RE, as we did decide that we are switching clinics and going with Dr. H). We did end up waiting for over an hour, but I was ok, as I was reading my book and had nothing urgent going on in the office. RE started by reviewing the latest test results. Apparently, my uterus is a textbook example (I am so proud LOL). My AMH was 45.2 which is way above the average, and RE said it shows that I have quality eggs as only good eggs produce AMH. Then we went on to DH and discussed his results being 10% for DNA defragmentation, which is again totally awesome. So he gave us 70% chance of pregnancy this time around. On one hand, I am happy with such prognosis; but on the other hand, Dr. G (our old RE) also was saying that we have very very good chances of success, and here we are doing it again). Dr. H did say that the problem was not with us, but with the medication that was used for stimulation.

RE said that he wanted carefully balance my medications as he was also very concerned with me developing OHSS (i.e. overstimulating me)as potentially I do have lots of good eggs. I asked him what is the worst case scenario if I do get OHSS, and he said that with severe OHSS they would not do a fresh transfer since pregnancy makes OHSS even worse, and all embies will have to be frozen. He said that the rate of success of FET with the labs that he is using is ony 10-15%, which I found shocking as I was secretly hoping that we can get some frosties for the future so wanted a bit more follicles than 4 that we got last time.

Then we actually went through the protocol itself, it is still an OCP - controlled antagonist protocol.

I will start again with the birth control (Alesse, this time around as it is milder than Marvelon - I was told) on the 5th day after AF, which should arrive just around our vacation (not a biggie though). When we were talking about dates with the nurse, she was telling me that they want to see me for a day 3 b/w and baseline u/s before I start BCP on day 5. The problem is that in most likelihood we will be in Mexico by that time, so I asked her if it is possible to skip it, as I didn't want to postpone starting IVF for another month. She agreed to check with Dr. H as I have done tons of tests in the past couple of weeks, and most likely he will say yes. After I emailed the nurse to confirm my understanding she did say that RE approved me not having a day 3 preliminary u/s and b/w. Yei!!! Little victories!!!

I will be taking BCP pretty much for the entire month of March until told to stop by the clinic. I will start stims beginning of April and this time around I am on 187.5 Gonal F and Luveris 75. Dr. H said that Gonal F is a stronger medication than Menopur, which I was on during my last cycle. He did say that that dose is higher with the view of lowering it. It is nice that he actually listened to me as I told him how petrified I am about being understimulated again. He also added Lthyroxine 50 mcg/day, which apparently is a low dose thyroid medication. I've only found out that it is a thyroid medication when I emailed a nurse to confirm my understanding of the cycle and asked her what that drug is. Now, I am a bit nervous if some of my test showed a problem with thyroid, which might suck as I have been tested for it before and everything was clear, but might explain why it is so freaking difficult to lose weight.

I will also take the antagonist at 1/2 of a dose that I took for my previous cycle, as Dr. H also believes that it had an effect on my follies, as he has seen it happen before, especially since I had an allergic reaction to it. Dr. H actually switched me from cetrotide to orgalutran to avoid another unpleasant allergic reaction.

If everything goes according to plan (I did stim for about 9 days last time) the retrieval will be the week of April 11 (apparently this is the week that the clinic does retrievals as they do it in a 3 week cycles, and they only take a maximum of 18 ladies per cycle, but I was told that so far they are not even close to being to a maximum - another good thing!). The transfer (hopefully of 2 nice blasts) 5 days thereafter.

Our RE told us that he will cancel (or convert to IUI)if my estrogen level (E2) is less than 6,500 (indicating less than 6 eggs). We did review my E2 levels from the last IVF cycle and it turned out that my E2 levels were just about 3,000 the same as with two previous medicated (Clomid) IUI cycles, which also indicated that I only had 3 eggs - which was the case. I do get upset when I think about it!!! Nobody took their time to explain it to DH and I at our old clinic, everything was rush rush rush all the time. Always busy busy, tons of people, waiting waiting waiting. Oh, well, I really hope this will be a much more pleasant experience.

Oh, there was another funny moment when Dr H asked if DH wanted his "boys" frozen before the procedure (we were never offered that before). So we asked why would one considered doing that, to which Dr. H replied that some men cannot "perform" under pressure - and we assured him that DH has done it before and will do it again under pressure - no problem :). Then RE mentioned that the only other reasons is if DH got sick since its the flu season, so DH got all worried and asked what would happen if he would get sick, would this affect the sperm quality. RE said that it will not affect the sperm quality just that some men when sick cannot get an erection. DH & I just looked at each other and started laughing - definitely have no problem in that area ;)

Well, it has been a long post, but if not for anything else, I did want to document it for the future.

To my friend in ON, enjoy the long weekend (unfortunately I am going to the office tomorrow, but only 3 full days of work left until the sunny Mexico :) )