Picking Up the Pieces of My Broken Heart

I am sad, I am moody, I am mad, so it's not going to be a happy post.

Yesterday when I got to the clinic there were tons of ladies and I waited for my b/w for about 30 minutes (which is very unusual for them). I guess because I knew what the result would be, the whole atmosphere there was depressing. I was still hoping I only have to come back for another b/w and a couple of u/s.

The call from the nurse came in around 1 p.m. as was expected. The time between noon and 1 p.m. was the worst. I was so anxious and fidgeting that I couldn't concentrate. Since, I already emailed my nurse on Friday with the test result, she started with that there are no surprises and that my Friday test was confirmed with a beta of zero. She told me to stop all the medication and asked if I scheduled an appointment with the RE (which I did, just didn't want to confirm until her call).

I then called DH, my hands were shaking, and even though we kind of expecting this result it was still hard for me not to break down in the office. It was good that his brother was not around when I called so DH also had some time to compose himself until breaking the news to his brother. I emailed my sis and SIL and told them that I want to be left alone. My SIL responded with one email that she was very sorry and if and when I would be ready she was here for me. My sis, on the other hand, bombarded me with emails about asking what she can do, telling me that everything is going to be alright etc. which actually made me feel sadder. I asked my sis to call our parents and she said that they were both shocked and very upset.

At about 6 p.m. while I was still at the office, my cell phone rang, and it was Dr. H. He told me that he was surprised that we had a negative result. He said that he reviewed our file and the embryos that we made were very good and that before our appointment in a few weeks he will be reviewing the DVD of our transfer (apparently they record all procedures!!!) to see if there is anything else he can do to improve the transfer next time around. He said that he was really sorry for the results but that he is optimistic. Needless to say I am shocked. I didn't expect to hear from him. I guess it's true that you get what you pay for, as this clinic is a bit more expensive, but our experiences between the two clinics differ like day and night. Notwithstanding the result, I am very happy that we found Dr. H.

I called my mom on the way home, trying to be cheerful. My mom being a mom said right away that she is coming over and my subtle hints that I don't want to see anyone didn't really work and apparent my sis decided to come over too. When I told DH about that, he was not too happy as he was afraid that they would knock me out of my temporary new found equilibrium. I asked DH how if he told his brother and it turned out that his brother also didn't take it very well (which was expected). Our families were so full of optimism it sucks that we had to make them feel bad.

The evening turned out to be not so bad. I managed to force my DH to walk to the polling station and vote, so we had a nice stroll. My sis came over with a box of chocolate and the four of us (DH, I, sis & mom) almost finished it :). We were watching a competition of parodists on Russian TV and didn't talk about IVF or any baby related staff.

Today was a normal working day for me. DH & I are figuring out a strategy in moving forward and I've been emailing a few people from the same clinic to get the info on FET. We are going to my parents tomorrow to hopefully figure out the plan.

I have no sign of AF not even spotting, even though I had no hormones since yesterday morning. I do have various cramps and I also have shooting sharp pains in my ovaries especially in my right one (which had more follicles) which comes and goes. The pain gets so bad that it shoots into my leg. I actually emailed my nurse about it tonight, so will see what she says tomorrow.