11dp5dt - 13dp5dt

On Friday morning DH & I promised that we are going to keep the news of BFN to ourselves and let our families to be blissfully ignorant over the weekend.

I managed to keep tears back at the office, but the moment DH picked me up from a train and we were alone in the car the tears started flowing again. I was crying on and off pretty much the entire night. We found a an Italian restaurant for out anniversary. The mood was a bit sombre as we are both not taking it that great. We were discussing options that we now have and all the money issues as DH's business is not doing that well. We are both worried about telling our families on Monday as they've been very excited about how good this cycle has been for us. We both feel like we are under a microscope as our families , from good intentions, are very into our lives and we would not be able to do anything without them knowing as our every day lives are so intertwined. My sis and I travel to work every day and DH is in business with his brother. Just feel a bit trapped.

After the restaurant, we went to Baskin Robbins and bought a big ice cream cake and ate almost half while watching TV.

On Saturdays we usually host family breakfast and I was secretly hoping that when we get a BFP on Friday we will let everyone know at the breakfast on Saturday. Luckily I didn't arrange anything, and I definitely didn't want to see anyone. We didn't have breakfast, but it was a trying day. We had to go to my parents' house to finish all our taxes and my sis was there too. I cried on the way there, but managed to compose myself, and even though DH thought that they will tell that something is wrong by looking at my face, I passed with flying colours. Although both my sis and my mom asked if I POASed.

Then was a dinner and theatre show with my BIL and SIL and again both of us had to put a brave face. When they ordered a bottle of wine I wanted a huge glass too, but since I am supposedly pregnant, I was drinking water all evening. The show was hilarious and it took my mind of things just for a bit. After the show we all went to our house and finished the ice cream cake. My SIL also asked how I was feeling and if I POASed.

Today was a bit easier. DH was crazy busy as he had to drive MIL to see a doctor, then the kid to driving school, then me to subway to go to the office, then to my parents' place to finish taxes and then pick up the kid. We got into an argument in the car as I was telling him that it is OK to ask for help when he has so much to do, like asking his brother to pick up the kid as my parents' house is so far away from where he was. I guess our emotions are on high right now as we are waiting for the final verdict tomorrow. The kid had a tryout tonight so DH asked if after he picks me up from the subway I can pick the kid up and he would go to the movies. And with everything he was going through I wanted him to have some time off to unwind with guys. Although, driving in the rain on a highway is not my favourite pass time.

I am a bit torn right now - the realist in my knows that tomorrow beta will just confirm that it is a BFN, but the other half of me is stupidly thinking that may be just may be we get a positive beta on Monday, but it is stupid as it should have shown something by 16dpo. In about 12-14 hours I will have the answer.

DH is now blaming himself for all the pain that we've been going through. He said that he will never ever push me to POAS again. I told him that it was my doing too because if I wouldn't want to I wouldn't do it. Although doing it on a Friday meant that we are both miserable for the entire weekend, and unsure of what Monday will bring. We agreed that it would have been double hard to hear a BFN on Monday at the office, and I told him that some girls actually POAS in the morning of beta so that they can take care of their emotions at home and be ready for that phone call at the office.

I've been playing in my head various scenarios about how we are going to tell our families. I think for this Monday there are only two possible courses of events - (i) the beta is negative, or (ii) the beta is positive but the number is too low. So, DH will get a phone call and the rest of the family will get an email. I will not be able to break their heart and listen to them trying to console me.

I am also seriously thinking of cancelling my birthday party next Sunday. I told DH that and he is against the idea. He thinks that we can survive through it and even if we cancel, everyone would still show up just on a different days and times, so better have it all in one shot. Hopefully the weather is going to be nice and we will have a nice bbq on our backyard. And if I get a BFN tomorrow, I just get really really drunk!!!