Today was my beta day...
We watched TV until very late last night and then I couldn't fall asleep. I woke up before my alarm clock and just tossed and turned, so I barely had 4 hours of sleep. At 6 a.m. DS was not sleeping so I stayed with him for about 5 min after I took a quick shower and got ready. I was hoping he would fall back asleep, but when I left his room and looked at the monitor, his eyes were wide open. The blessing was that he was not crying so DH could still catch a few winks before getting up with him at 7:15 a.m.
My sis picked me up and I took a train downtown. We didn't tell the family (well mostly we didn't, my mom and BIL knew), so I just told her that I need to do more tests and she asked me if afterwords they will tell me if I can do a transfer. When I got into the elevator to go up to my clinic, there was another girl there with me. She got out on the same floor and it turned out that we both were going to the same place. It also turned out that she was the girl who did her transfer at the same time as me. We chatted for a bit waiting for blood work, and while having our blood work done. She gave me a hug and we agreed to meet at the clinic on Wednesday for our second beta tests. I really hope that even though I am not going to be there, that she is, her story is sad and I really wish her a BFP.
I called DH on my way to the subway to tell him that it is out of my hands now and headed to the office. He picked me up from the subway, and we tried to joke around a bit, although the thought of our future getting decided weighted heavily on our shoulders. Even the sky was ominously grey with only limited amount of sun rays getting through. DH noted that the sky is so resembling our situation.
We got to the office, I took all my drugs and made a couple of phone calls. Of course I couldn't concentrate. Close to noon, DH asked if I wanted to eat, and I told him that I couldn't put anything in my mouth at that time as I was too nervous. I was on another call when the second line beeped and it was REs office. I tried to finish the conversation quick, but I did miss that call. I ran into DH's office and told him to come over as they called. BIL came over as well, and three of us sat around my desk listening to the message. As I was dialing the number, to calm myself a bit I said that if it's bad news so be it. It was. The beta came back negative and I was to stop all medication. :(
I was holding pretty good. No tears. BIL told us to keep it together and quickly retrieved to give us some alone time to grief. I could see that DH was also on the verge of tears, but he doesn't cry (I saw him cry only once during our 12 year relationship, and that was when his father passed away). We talked a few times over the next couple of hours as I was emailing the clinic to set up WTF appointment and a few tests ahead of that. The appointment was scheduled for January 28 - a long time away.
Since BIL was with us, there was one more person who knew what's going on and deserved to know the result - my mom. I couldn't bring myself to call her, as every time I would think about it I would cry. So I asked DH to call her and he did. I also messaged sis with the news so she wouldn't ask anymore questions about when our transfer is going to be.
I left the office shortly thereafter, went to a store to buy some stuff for DH and then home to update everyone in my e-community. I did talk to one client at home and had a short nap before picking up LO from day care. I ended up spending about 20 min at daycare as there were only 3 kids there and they were drawing, so I let my LO to hang around a bit longer.
Once we got home and got undressed, I hugged him really tight and kissed him all over. He is my little miracle, my everything. I don't know how I would have handled this failure if he wasn't in our lives. DH was not home, and surprisingly my LO let me hold on to him for much longer than usually. I wasn't really crying, but I was not in a happy place. DH was running late so my LO and I spent the entire evening playing and dancing together. I don't care now if I am holding him and dancing with him, as my uterus is empty. He was laughing so hard and I would do anything for his laugh.
So what are we up to now... our immediate future - I will start temping and we will try the old fashion way. As well will try to lose some more weight - 2 kg loss so far (but I finished half of the box of chocolates while I was home alone, so I am not sure how that will effect my weight). I am trying to get requisition for DH to do a SA before our apt with our RE as we want to discuss real options and not hypotheticals. If his count is up, we can try IUIs before moving into IVF #3. We are thinking 3 IUIs but I guess it will all depend on his number pre and post wash. Ugh.... I can't believe we are at this place again. Why can't we just get a F-ing break for once!!!!! I am angry!!! I want DS to have a sibling who is very close to him in age, like me and my sis and like DH and his brother, but DS is turning 2 years old in 4 months, and what are the chances of us getting pregnant before his second birthday to have at least 3 years difference. I am pissed, but there is nothing I can do right now to change it. I just want my family to be complete. I have to acknowledge the fact that it will not happen on my terms and let the life take over. Can I do that? Not now. I am hoping the relief will come with AF, whenever she decides to show, as I have been on a LOT of hormones lately. AND YES, I do have the stupid pregnancy symptoms still, sore boobies, nausea, cramping and tiredness. Hmmm.... may be the clinic made a mistake? and I am pregnant...... unfortunately that doesn't happen in real life and the sooner I get AF the better.
Anyways, I guess the journey to baby #2 is continuing...
No comments:
Post a Comment